AM I WHO I SAY I AM?

Curbs and Belts

2012-01-18T23:27:00.005-06:00

Another notch under my belt. I guess thats the way to put it.

I've been seeing this guy who happens to be white. At this point, I am now placing him in the category of "just dating to say I did it..."

There really isn't much to say about him. He is not hard on the eyes, bald, a staunch Obama fan (I know I know). He can hold a conversation. He is al...right.

However, he was was in a 4 year relationship (with an older black woman) who wanted to get married and have children, but he wasn't ready. So he broke up with her. In the fall of last year. Yea. I know. I know.

That turned me off. Even though I tell myself I am not looking to get married or looking to having children based on the numerous excuses outlined for me: I am young. I have to settle on a career. I have to know myself. I have to love myself first.

The list motherfucking goes on.

I still cant help but date someone and possibly analyze and determine if I can see myself in the future with him.

Is it because I am a fucking woman and I have been influenced by society and family etc? OR is it in my nature to look for such?

I don't know. All I know is I am disappointed in his answers regarding commitment. There is also nothing I hate more than a guy who stays with a woman even though he knows what she is looking for in the relationship.

He is 34 by the way. He will be 35 in March.

As usual, all the guys in my blog receive a "heartfelt" name. He will now be referred to as IronMan. He reminds me of Jeff Bridges role of Obadiah in the movie Iron Man.

not as old though.

Ironman states he knew he didn't want to be married from 25-35. mmhmm
Ironman states he wants to have kids eventually. mmhmm

Ironman makes me want to DROP him ON the curb because I am not comfortable with being a notch under someone else's belt.
Although, there was this one guy who told me he wanted to fuck an African because he heard itll be good. Damn, that sexy ignorant asshole. Anyway, I digress.
We are going out again on Saturday to a comedy club. How long should I let this go on before I decide to dismiss? Ill see in a few weeks...I guess. Currently, I am dating around 3.5 guys so I can get my mind off any of these guys easily. I have a blog post about the .5 at a later date. I am on this "self improvement kick. Eating healthy. Working out heavily. Its been a little over 2 weeks. I think its frigging working because I can sleep through the night and I feel energized. Relaxed, even.
I was sad about the ending of GreenCard and I but now I have no thoughts on it. It was bound to happen. Anyway, I have to give the background to that at a later date as well.

And once again, I digress.

I kissed Ironman at the end of the night and everyone who is anyone KNOWS I hate kissing. But I did it. 2 small pecks. No fireworks. No wet panties.

...well inner thighs, because I don't do the panty thing.

By the way, I haven't had sex in 7months.

Is this real life?

Admitting Guilt

2011-12-04T13:31:00.001-06:00

I love Dorothy.
My new dog.
She is a chihuahua. And she is my companion

Im sad. Its weird, I am sitting here watching Waiting to Exhale. Embarassing.

He never cared. I waste too much time with guys who dont care, get on my nerves, or I dont even like. When I saw the signs, why didnt I leave...indefinitely.
Man, it feels weird. Like he is just as heartless as ever. Didnt see him on Thanksgiving. Didnt see him on my birthday. Nothing.
Its weird.

Granted I wasnt the best. It was like I was missing something, so I went out there looking. And got caught. Or shall I say admitted guilt.

I spent the night with another man. I was caught up and off guard. Did that play a role in the break up. No. It was already over. Over because I didnt marry him for his green card. Maybe I dodged a bullet. Maybe this relationship only met as much as the green card.

I dont know if I should say his cold behavior is because the recent death of his father or the actions of myself. I think the death gave him reason to not hold back on how he really felt about me.

I know he never really cared. We were not meant to be.

What you Drinking?

2011-01-29T02:24:00.011-06:00

"Ill Never Forget You"--Noisettes

This is the song I listened to all today.

I am juggling around 3 guys. One that I shouldnt have, but I did anyway.

Actually I take that back. I shouldnt be with anyone. Its not working out.

After going to a Nigerian meeting with one guy and meeting another. I feel I shouldve got to know people and keep the guys at bay. Case in point, the guy I met is studying for his GMAT and wants to meet at Borders. We do the Borders thing and go get drinks later.

Then I realize he is trying to kiss me. Ask me my favorite spot to be kissed. Rubs my shoulders, arms and hair. Kinda fast for a first date.

Our next meet up is at the library and the after date was at his house for food he cooked. It is 11:30p so I opt to go home. He does not like that. He whines and say I always cancel on him. And some more bullshit I dont give a fuck about.

Today's meet up was at Borders. I was supposed to come up with the after date plan. I didnt. I said hey we can go to the Grill place across the street. It should be open.

Stutter: Um. Uh. I-I-I am not not hungry.
Me: oh. ok (what the fuck does that have to do with me?...)
Stutter: I-I-I kinda dont want to do anything. I would have you come o-o-over but my brother is studying at the house.
Me: I dont want to come over anyway. Its late.(you trifling horny dog)
Stutter: I-I did didnt know know we had a curfew...

He rushes over that last phrase so fast. All I did was look at him like: Mother-fucker. You Stuttering Stanley bastard! You want me to come over your house when just yesterday I said it was too late! I dont know why you think Im easy, but you are mistaken.
He has some fucking nerve.
So. Once the bitch said he wasnt hungry. I wasnt gonna talk to his ass anymore.

You havent taken me on a formal date but you want the panties. Hell motherfucking NO.

This man clearly thinks I drink alot and I am promiscuous. Dont let the fucking beer and spontaneity fool you. I am not easy. Kiss my ass.

We sat in my car for an 1hour and 30minutes listening to music. I wasted a long time.

When he finally left my car I was just about done with life. I cant take these fucking losers anymore. I know what I want and I have yet to find him. One thing I need to do is be alone for a bit. I need to learn to be alone...and stay that way. No dates. No Late Night Conversations. No Hugs. No Nothing.

Its all a test. And I keep failing.

I'm not failing anymore.

I'm All Out of Love...

2011-01-08T23:33:00.006-06:00

I dont even know where to begin.

I virtually abandoned my blog.

So, I have to start somewhere.

Yesterday. I left GreenCard. He said he would do the real marriage, he said he really loves me.

However.

His parents have been in America for 4weeks and I was not even invited to meet them. Im sorry. Everyone knows that introducing your girlfriend of 1 year and 6months to your mother (and father) is a BIG DEAL. Yet. I was not even invited to church for goodness sakes.

It was a messy break up. Over the phone, I couldnt even get a word in once I said I wanted to start dating other people and I realize that I wasnt the one. I would NOT tell him why I was breaking up with him. I didnt want to hear any excuse why he didnt introduce me to his parents. Or have him string another girl along and play the role better. One thing that stood out the most was the fact he said I "waited until the year he would be deported" to break up with him.

First of all, I am not gaining a damn thing to marry him for 2 years for him to become legal. Nothing. So, why would I care enough to wait this long to leave. He wasted his own time. Once he realized I was ambivalent to marrying him, he shouldve moved on instead of stringing me along. In my honest opinion.

OF COURSE, this is all just speculation.

But the fact that it seemed no one knew we were in a relationship and he didnt introduce me to his family. And said "same here" (rather than I love you too) when he was around his sister when I said I loved him were MORE than enough signs for me to leave.

He was stringing me along. To get what he wanted.

OF COURSE, this is all still just speculation.

Ill never know if he really loved me. If he did, he had a terrible way of expressing it. To be over 30 years old, Im sure he knows how to treat a woman by now. So I would think, that is.

Con-currently, Im talking to another "need to have a green card" man. Is this like a never-ending cycle? My sister says keep him as a rebound to get over GreenCard. My friend says dont bother. I think I will go with the latter, based on the fact his voice annoys me, he talks too slow, he is too religious, and he is showing signs of obsession and control. I cant even stay on the phone with him long enough. Thats not good. I think he is trying to rush a relationship with me so he can get married and of course, become legal. It is not going to work. I dont even like him as a friend.

If I look on the bright side. Being alone will help me get back on track. I think.

Just like that. Im out of love. Again.

Dizzy

2010-07-09T01:03:00.001-05:00

Greencard is the only one left.

I have been seriously faithful for the past...hmm...month and a half. Or 2 and half.

When Binaca abandoned me on May 5th, I was sooo drunk, I let him go and continued with Greencard.

However, Greencard is simply that. He needs a Greencard to stay. and I am not willing to give.

I dont know what to do.

I may start cheating again.

Multiple Partners.

2010-04-26T03:43:00.002-05:00

So. Im fucking 2 guys and Im trying not to.

Green Card is still in my life. Benaka is in my life too.

Im sleeping with both guys.

Benaka is bigger and better.

Green Card is...well I dont know. He has a lot of baggage but for some reason I cannot leave him. I have stopped talking to him for 2 days and he came back today basically begging. I was even considering taking him back. We broke up for some dumb shit and I dont know if it is wise for me to be with him. He has baggage. Green Card baggage. He wants to get married in order for him to stay in America. Unless he is gonna pay off my $100,000 college loans...Im not marrying him.

Benaka. Hmm? What to say about Benaka. He is interesting to say the least. He keeps me entertained. He is much more insightful. Taller. Leaner. Did I mention "bigger and better?" However, I dont trust him. I believe he had a thing for this chicken I call my friend here in Atlanta. She is fake as hell. He is fake as hell because he entertained her acts of flirting with him. BUT Benaka doesnt come with the green card baggage.

Im thinking I should just be single. I should start over and meet new men. These 2 guys are...too much. Im literally torn in between the 2. I didnt think it would lead to this. The problem is they are both nice and shit...but I cant have my cake.

Green Card states that he loves me. I claim that I love him too...I think I do. Actually, I probably just care about him alot.

I know I dont love Green Card because I am cheating on Green Card.

and I doubt I will stop.

Green Card

2010-01-25T13:15:00.002-06:00

I decided to change the name of Smooth Talker to Green Card.

We have been talking since the end of October. No relationship. However, he wants to marry me. In fact, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Or he does? I have no idea. He is playing mind games that should only work for teenage girls. Not an experienced relationship whore as myself.

All I know is that he wants to marry me and I am not having it.

My mother put into my head that Green Card. Who is 30 years old. Could possibly be married or engaged in Nigeria. AND could be using me for a green card since I happen to be a citizen. Get his green card and bring over his lovely wife or fiance.
WHile Im left in the dust...looking stupid. twiddling my thumbs.

Hell NO!

I refuse to be an idiot. 1st of all, I do not want to get married anyway. I can tell he is trying to wear me down. Trying to make me fall for him so I can foolishly marry his ass. Little does he know, I DONT trust anyone. Ill just dangle this "marriage carrot" over his head until its time for him to go back to wear he came from...Ill email or something.
+++++++++++++++
Benaka is such a nice guy unfortunately he is showing me how much he likes me. WHICH is not a good thing. I just want to take advantage of people who are falling for me. All he does is eat me out and I dont even touch his dick. WHich is WAYYY bigger than Green Card's by the way....
He is also not a citizen BUT since he will be a doctor, he can be sponsored once he receives his M.D. so he doesn't need a green card spouse.

I also dont feel he is hiding shit from me...like I feel about Green Card. I feel I can trust him. And I know he will spoil me...But Im gonna take this thing very slow with Benaka.

This might work out.

He Came!

2009-11-20T12:22:00.001-06:00

What the fuck!

My regularly scheduled tease back fired. And he came. Fast as hell.

I cannot believe this.

Little Dicks and Mistresses

2009-11-16T16:48:00.015-06:00

I realize now that I am the mistress.

The girl a married man will fuck because his wife is not as exciting or can fuck as good as the mistress.

I'm the sexy. Freaky. Fun.

I'm not the marrying type.

Smooth Talker wants to fuck me so bad...it hurts me thinking that he has not got some from me yet.

This motherfucker is not to be trusted.

After driving 30mins to his home:
I began looking to the side, sneaking a peak at his phone, noticing a text from a girl that is obviously jealous of me. They are texting each other. And he is with me.

What to do? what to do?

I shouldnt care, his dick is about as little as a block eraser. She can have him. What is up with my curse of the little dicks!!?!!

scaled to actual size of his dick!

But I do care. Why the fuck is he talking to the both of us and he know we "sorta" hang out. What the fuck does he think this is?!

Time fast forwards and I climb on top of him. basically to torture him. It is midnight. And she texts him again. This time I see it. and I take advantage of my opportunity.

Me: Why the hell is Quarter Back (she walks like a man and has broad shoulders), is calling you? at midnight?
Smooth Talker: Its just a text
Me: at midnight?
Smooth Talker: Dont worry about it..
Me: Oh no. oh hell no -- climbing off of him-- That shit is weird and I don't wanna be involved with somebody who is talking to somebody I hang out with. Sharing. No.
Smooth Talker: I am not talking to her.
Me: I dont believe you. -- putting my clothes back on --
Smooth Talker: Dont put on your clothes. Oh my god, I think I am cursed.
Me: Hell yea you are cursed. Just when I decided we should have sex, she texts you. So. No (I wasnt gonna fuck him, especially not that little waste of time dick!)
Smooth Talker: Look, -- pulling out his phone-- She said ignore the last 3 texts

I read the texts and it says something of the sort

I think you are great guy. I dont wanna...blank

He closes his phone. Fuck.

Me: you guys are talking.
Smooth Talker: we are not.

I am irritated the whole time. I cant stop thinking about it.

I somehow ended up performing on him. Stopped. Ended up jerking him off. He came.

Then I thought about it and pissed myself off.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I cannot help my self when it comes to sex or sexual activities.

He falls asleep like a dirty fat old man. No hugs. No cuddles. ALL over me as usual. He comes. He is sleep. What the fuck?

At 6am I decide to leave. He stops me and I tell him how I feel about his ass sleeping like a dirty old man and how I know he is talking to Quarter Back. He will not budge and admit to talking to her, but she was confessing her love for him.

Me: She said you were a great guy and whole bunch of other shit.
Smooth Talker: You did not read that.
Me: so Im crazy.

I gave up arguing and ended up going to sleep. A day later I decide to confront him again. Apparently he was not getting my cold shoulder.

Me: Im mad at you Smooth Talker.
Smooth Talker: For what?
Me: Oh you don't know.
Smooth Talker: Not by the same things. Me falling asleep.
Me: dont play with me!
Smooth Talker: look. Ill let you read her the text messages. I dont want to do that because of ethics and its her business. But I need to prove to you and bring back my integrity. Because I am not a liar.
Me: - ethics my ass- Ok. I wanna see it. If you want me to believe you. I know its wrong but as I said before, I dont trust you. SO. I need to see them.
Smooth Talker: you will see that she accidently sent me those text messages, it said drive safe. They were not intended for me. Ill prove it to you.
Me: - she is fucking crazy, she knows those were intended for him but was trying to save her pride when he didnt reply (he was too busy eating me out to reply) or he is just a liar - Ok well. I need to see it to believe it.

Today. This motherfucker comes to my house. Eats my spaghetti. Finger fucks me. Sucks my nipples. But...

Did not mention the texts.
Did not mention showing me the phone.

Maybe he should just come clean with the reason he is talking to me.
But. He keeps lying.

Ok.
Done.

I hope?

1, 2, 3 Standard Deviations

2009-10-30T22:27:00.014-05:00

"Do you want me to add them all up and take the average?"--Me

I asked Mr. Useless his age 3x and 3x he has given me a different age. I already went through a relationship where I didnt know the person for 9 months. I refuse to accept even the whitest of lies....

Mr. Useless: C'mon man. I told you how old I was

Me: You told me you were 21. 22. 23. So. Should I add them all up and take the average to find out your real age? - im very sincere, I even pull out my calculator-

Mr. Useless: Man...

Me: You know what? - cutting him off- Let me call you back.

I am tired.

I am horny.

I am done.

Every guy I meet is either cheap. cheap and gay. annoying. stalker-ish. liar. or full of shit.

The current prospectives come and go. They invite themselves to my house. They try to skip levels of taking me out and feel the need to WANT TO come over for the so called "harmless"

tv and drink.

Hell no!

Just because I live alone does not mean you are invited. You got to take me out. I have no idea what to do. The men are abundant.

But they are all useless.

Smooth Talker is a current prospect that keeps inviting himself over to my house although I mentioned I was uncomfortable with him there. We have yet to go to a neutral place and for some strange reason I think his plan is to fuck me. But I am as old as dirt and I know I don't fall for that bull shit.

He just doesn't know.

Smooth Talker is interesting. He is a dentist. He seems normal. But he keeps inviting himself to my house. I'm not feeling it. I finally gave in tonight for movie and drinks for Sunday, but I am gonna change that plan when he calls me. This jerk is taking me out. Fuck that.

The surgeon. Was/Is a crazy ass guy thats falling in love with me and even goes so far to tell guys we are together so they will not talk to me. He has texted. called. emailed. facebook-ed. He has searched for me in so many weird ways to find me, I think he is nuts. I have yet to get rid of him. He loves to interrogate me! He would ask me tons of questions like

1. Who did you dance with at the party?

--fuck? are you my boyfriend?

2. Who is the guest you have at your house?

--what? is that your business?

3. Who are you going to the party with?

--not you!

4. Did your guest sleep in the bed with you?

--click (the noise a phone makes when you hang up on crazy ass questions)

I have seriously been through too much in the past month. I need a break.

My last prospect is car-less. I don't want to drive every where. I am not interested.

Once I got rid of Undercover, when he had the nerve to ask me to rent the movie and buy wine when he was on his way to MY HOUSE...that he invited himself to. I told him not to come over after he texted me that bullshit...but he came anyway and banged on my door for 15 minutes.

(I wasnt gonna answer that damn door)

I have been in a whirlwind of men that need to get a reality check.

Back to square 1. Lonely...erm..uh..I mean...SINGLE & learning to Love It.

by the way...

here is my Halloween Costume

I'm a Normal Curve.

Got to love statistics!!!

HaPpY HaLLoWeeN

Those were the Days...

2009-10-26T15:04:00.005-05:00

My friend R calls me 2 nights ago. She is beyond drunk and basically explaining how she wants us to have sex again.

I am more than irritated. I am sleepy and dont feel like hearing that bullshit right now. I repeat over and over how we are not gonna have sex again. She obviously doesnt believe me.

I dont even believe myself.

Navyman is back in the picture and she is jealous.

R: I dont wanna see Navyman when I come to see you in Atlanta
Me: Ok. thats fine. But I HAVE to see Navyman.
R: Thats bogus. I spend my money to see you. I miss you (insert my last name here)

R likes to call me by my last name. I cannot help but think how she is reminding me of talking to one of my high school boyfriends. Everything. From the words she uses to the inflections in her voice. I am once again turned off.

I think about how evil and inconsiderate that will be to have my friend come all the way from Chicago to see me and I leave her sitting on the couch. While Im fucking Navyman.

I must admit. That was the plan.

Me: Look. I will see Navyman before you come or after you come. My plans to see Navyman is not set in stone.
R: Man, thats bogus.
Me: Did you not hear me say I am not gonna do it.
R: I just wanna hit again. Navyman shouldnt get a chance to hit if he disses you.

R has a tendency to not hear you after you make a statement agreeing with her. I get so annoyed that I have to repeat that I am not seeing Navyman. Also. The immaturity of what she is saying works a nerve. I already explained to her several times that I do not like to be thought of as this tool used for sex. You cannot "hit" me. Then saying how Navyman dissed me took me over the edge. I hang up the phone.

She calls me 10x and text I think 5.

I am beyond irritated. But I ended up forgiving her last night around 1 am.

Still convincing myself that I will not have sex with my best friend.

Why cant things be like they were in the past?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Grad school has proven to be filled with the weirdest experiences in my life.

Atlanta has proven to be the same.

I currently have all these foreign men swooning over me. And I dont like not a 1.
1 has even gone so far to keep other men from talking to me. I think he deserves a sole topic.

Aye Ca-rumba.

Waiting to Exhale

2009-09-16T20:33:00.003-05:00

That's the CD I found in his car.

Now every gay guy I know LOVES Beyonce. Madonna. Cher. Celine Dion. And of course...Whitney Houston.

This big man has a car filled with religious music and Waiting to Exhale.

I have more rap than he does. I thought. All this religious music is starting to make me think he is hiding something.

Me: I hate Waiting to Exhale. The movie. And the Soundtrack.
Undercover: This CD kept me up from my drive to Atlanta! This is a good CD.
Me: Its scratched up. Throw it out (opening up the window, preparing to toss the CD).
Undercover: Naw Girl!!

screeeech! brake. brake...

This man loves to call me "girl." I have warned him before. But now its getting outta hand. When I texted him that I got the job at the CDC, he texted back

"YOU GO GIRL"

literally.

I sent a mass forwarded text to my brothers and my best friend.

Unanimously, they called him Down Low. Gay. Sneaky.

UNDERCOVER.

My brother said, "youve only been in Atlanta for a week and you already found 2 downlow guys! DAMN!!"

On our second date night he decided to question my religious beliefs. Which I found funny because I question it myself. I always thinks its funny when people put on this "Im prepared to debate voice" but he wasted his time because I dont debate about religion. Im not a Christian. And I am not an Atheist. I feel they are both extreme.

I lie somewhere in the middle.

I laughed at his questions of how you think you got here. And just asked him the same question.

Undercover: God!
Me: How did "God" get here?
-silence-

Undercover: God is God.
Me: Thats not an answer.
Undercover: Well, what do you think of Creationism?
Me: I dont think of Creationism. -chuckle-

He randomly goes into homosexuality. the gay culture in atlanta. etc

Undercover: There's alot of gay people here
Me: Theres alot of gay people everywhere
Undercover:But here is alot.
Me: Thats because of this "hype-d" up idea of it being the gay mecca. But what people dont realize is that the gay people here are transients. These so-called downlow brothers hail from places not in Atlanta. I mean I dated a downlow guy born and raised in Chicago. People need to worry about every guy they meet.

(Undercover is from Illinois)

Then he says the ultimate thing:

Undercover: People need God. God can make those feelings go away. The power of God can turn a gay man straight.
Me: So. God. Can Make. A Gay Person. Straight. _confused_
Undercover: yea
Me: Well, then God can make a straight person Gay.

-silence-

After oh so many "Girl(s)" I decided to drop mr. 6'5''-couldve-been-potential. Not only that. We went on 2 dates and he had issues with paying for valet/parking. Which in Atlanta is like $3-5! In Chicago, its $12 to $20! He must dont date often or something. And our current date was gonna be at his house. I decided to write him a rain check.

R asks me why do I stay with guys I dont really like?

I've heard this question before.

But since Freshguy..ahem...I mean FAKEguy came clean, Im starting something new.

If I don't like you.

Fuck you.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire.

2009-09-01T12:35:00.006-05:00

Freshguy is a liar.

The guy who claimed to be the beneficiary to 5 hotels (father's business) is infact one of the worst liars that I know. Not taking a 70k salary job in OHIO, yes Ohio not New York to stay in Champaign IL to take his GMAT and apply for Business schools seems rather strange. Especially since alot of top business schools require work experience. It astounds me. really. Is he really rich? The longer I spent with him, the more I realized he wasnt FRESH at all. The clothes. Shared with his cousin. The endless money. Working 2 jobs. NO CAR.

Freshguy pulled a fast one. I realize Im not shit either since Ive dated his unattractive ass only because I BELIEVED he had some sort of cash. Gold Digger. My experience with being a gold digger FOILED & FLOPPED!

Everyday I would ask myself:
1. what engineering job in whack ass Ohio will offer an entry level bachelors degree in Computer Science (If it was computer science!!?!!) a 70k salary?
2.Why doesnt he know differential equations and all the other stuff that engineers study (my older brother talked about it all the time before he switched careers to get his MBA)?
3.Why can he eat pussy like a fucking pro when he CLAIMS that he never done that before?
4.Why doesn't he drive a benz like he CLAIMED he was gonna get for graduation?
5. Why didn't he know when the grad school applications were due? said October when its really December
6. Why didnt he ever get a state ID or Drivers License and continued to use fake ids?
7. Why did he always carry cash and refuse to let me see his atm card or carry his atm card in fear he might lose it and get his identity stolen?
8. Why did the person he claimed to be his mom was really his cousin's mother and the room he claimed to be his room was his cousin's room?
9. Why didnt I know his real name until 2 weeks ago?!!!
10. Why is he lying!?!

My brother said he knows he cant "pull chicks" especially one's like me so he lies. I believe him. I wouldn't talk to him unless he was offering something on the table. I wouldn't talk to anybody for that matter unless they are offering something.

For 2 days I have been arguing with him to get the truth. He refused to give me the name of the company that was offering him 70k job. After 2 hours of cussing him out, he gave me this name:

http://www.adconengineering.com/contact_us.htm

I called today. Low and Behold, they tell me they dont have a need for engineers and IT. They ship, distribute and sale. They don's DEVELOP products. They don't computer program. So, there is no need for someone with those degrees to work there, no salaries to give out.

He kept stating how good of a "boyfriend" he was to me. Which I can agree and disagree. If you are a liar, your good points are deducted. He was nice and treated me pretty good. BUT I dont care if I dont know who you are! I also asked the name of his father's hotels. He wouldn't disclose the information. He claimed to pay $1200 for his GMAT course at Kaplan (I told him I paid 1200 for my GRE). I decide to ask my brother how much was the GMAT course before he went to business school and he said it was close to $4,000!! I checked it online and my brother was right. Why couldnt Freshguy check the internet before telling me these lies?!

Got to love my life.

While Here in Atlanta, going to grad school. working ever so hard. WHICH I AM LOVING!

I meet a guy at the gas station. For some reaon, I meet more men here than any other city I have ever been! ENDLESS DATES and PHONE CALLS. Its rather ridiculous.

He is kinda cute. He is 6'5'' In GREAT shape. He stops me because I have a huge ILLINOIS ALUMNI car decal on the back of my truck. We talk about being from Illinois and I leave the conversation to pay for my gas. I come back out after 15min and he is still there waiting for me. I give him my number.

After a day or 2, he calls and picks me up for a date. A fabulous date in one of Atlanta's random restaurants with live music, food and great beer. I find myself sexy and drunk, snapping my fingers to the good music. He tells me he is an assistant football coach to one of the universities here in Atlanta. He is 27. and some other stuff about him that I could care less about.

He has been calling me ever since.

Is he potential? Is he Freshguy's replacement?

Only time will tell.

However, I don't trust him. I don't trust any guy.

BEfore I moved to ATLANTA

2009-08-18T13:51:00.003-05:00

I am now an Atlantan.
I was so busy and in over my head, I am glad I made it here in 1 piece.

but here was life before Atlanta.

Recap:

R and I had sex twice.

The second time around, I didn't feel as bad. But I did question why I slept with a woman again.

As soon as I was done, I ran and hopped into the shower. I guess I washed away the guilt. She was highly offended.I contemplated whether I should go back into hiding like I did last time. Instead, Freshguy calls to come over. I hand her the pants she was wearing and basically kicked her out.

I had sex with two people that night.

I didn't feel weird for having an orgasm with her and 15 minutes later having an orgasm with him. I don't know if I should feel ashamed? Slutty? Promiscuous? Or just a plain freak?

Maybe I should feel all of the above.

I guess one would say that I should feel satisfied. I went from not having sex at all to having sex a little too much.

Yesterday, R pissed me off to another level. I learn that she tells her sister and our mutual friend that we had sex. These women had no idea if I was bi-curious or anything! Now they know my personal business. And I do not like that. It really hurt my feelings that she didn't think about how I would feel when it came to exposing our sexual history. I was gonna give R the silent treatment, but I changed my mind. I just came back home at 2:30 am. I spent hours at her place, talking about everything as usual.
I figure since she is my friend and I will be moving out of state in less than 5 days, the least I can do is be forgiving.

Im still trying to forgive.

Just to quickly throw this in, Freshguy and I made our "relationship" official. Although I warned him that I am known for cheating especially since we are going to live in different states. I might break his heart. However, he wants to make it work...

So...

Yea...

I have a boyfriend again.

Rocking Robin! Tweet Tweet!

2009-07-30T11:58:00.005-05:00

I said I wont.

But I tried it.

and Twitter,

I think I like you.

http://twitter.com/akizogn

Speak Up and Out

2009-07-23T15:32:00.011-05:00

My sexual harassment case is finally over.

Unfortunately, the bullshit that my lawyer told me was that he began to harass me after I stopped working for him, so there is nothing that they can do. In addition, there is a 6 month policy to file a claim of harassment with my alma mater. I tried to argue this rule by stating to my lawyer that I was a student and he is faculty. However, my lawyer let me know that I was not his student at the time or under a student/teacher or boss/employee setting. As a matter of fact, the DAY I graduated was when my boss crossed the line. When he took me to his home to liquor me up, I was no longer his employee.

Basically, the asshole pervert knew what he was doing.

My old boss will still be reprimanded and will take a class on sexual harassment. There will also be a note in his file or his record (or whatever that means) that a claim of sexual harassment was filed against him throughout his career. I can accept that. I can accept the school taking my issue seriously by even talking to the nasty ass old bastard. I just want him to know that I was on to him.

I feel at ease. I've been trying to avoid speaking out but I couldn't concentrate without thinking of a young woman that looked like me...that was afraid, sad and weak. This is the same woman who dropped all her cases of sexual harassment and rape because she didn't want to believe it happened. And because no one took her seriously. I kept seeing this girl who told jokes and did crazy things in order to forget the pain. No one knew the pain but her. I had to help her this time. I couldn't allow her to let another person get away with taking advantage of her. I knew I had the power. I knew could help her.

So I did.

If you think things are sweet

2009-07-08T07:08:00.002-05:00

Let me assure you that they are not...

I wish I listened to friends and my blog buddy, Unbreakable. If you don't like him, why waste your time? I don't like him. I did waste my time. Now he is sitting in my bed and I am waiting for his ass to leave. Its done. I'm done. I'm not playing anymore games. I'm too old.

I just cant seem to realize it.

It just keeps falling out

2009-07-06T20:33:00.012-05:00

what I dont get with Freshguy is that he tries to do moves and positions that only a well-endowed or even an average sized man should do.

I have had sex with a small penis before, but he was rather "fat" meaning that it was thick but small. He had girth. My last guy, unfortunately he was on the down-low and abusive, was a porn star. Penises should not be made that size of his.

But Freshguy is a finger.

I cant believe he said he used to have sex to J. Holiday's song, Put You to Bed. Are you kidding me? Put me to bed! Please. More like a quick nap! (if that. Go to sleep once you kick his ass out). I wonder what those girls were thinking when he fucked them to that song. I bet they were daydreaming. Wide Awake.

He tries to go fast, and move my legs and I cant help but think..."if my vagina queefs one more time I'm gonna scream!"

Now, I hate to brag but I KNOW I have amazing pussy. I'm a guaranteed good time. For some strange reason, I feel awkward and useless...and WIDE!

Like a gaping hole. Better yet...THE ABYSS

I havent had sex since September 2008. Almost a fucking year. The elasticity of my vagina should be at its peak but NOT WITH FRESHGUY. Freshguy falls outta me every time! Unless I'm on top of course. Then I queef when I move, meaning there is too much air going into my vagina...not enough penis.

I dont even have to stop him because I dont want him to ejaculate (how I usually torture the new guys). If I make a sudden movement, like "get on top of me" movement. It becomes a squishy useless teeny weeny penis. THIS IS THE 3rd TIME IN A ROW!! I just jerked him off and went to bed...I'm gonna fuck somebody else. I cant take it!

I knew this would happen to me. I knew that once I start having sex again, it will be a terrible experience. I KNEW IT! Story of my life...this is why I blog.

(Randomly) The very next day, I found this at Freshguy's apartment, sitting on his stairwell. As he tried to avoid it and looked very disgusted, I laughed and pulled out my camera and took a couple of snapshots. I couldn't help but think

"Freshguy can benefit from this, too bad he can't wear one!"

(must be a sign!!!!!!)

You're Just Gonna Leave Me Like This

2009-06-29T09:36:00.010-05:00

I must say, the Femidom is probably the best condom ever. Very weird. Offers a sense of control!

oh yea, and Kind of unattractive.

But hey, Im super confident with my body (I went to Walmart with an almost see thru shirt on, no bra and booty shorts) and I remember in high school when I was on "the patch" birth control, STUCK ON MY ASS, I would still bend over for my boyfriend at the time to get me from behind.

Maybe I was excited or something, The Femidom had a different feeling. Cant describe it. But he said it felt like nothing was there. Unfortunately, as we switched positions he got limp. Now Im starting to get a little worried. Maybe the 1st time we tried to have sex and he couldnt stay hard I was understanding. But it happened again. ACTUALLY, IM STARTING TO GET A LOT WORRIED! As he started to get hard again...

I stopped him!

He tried to stop me from pulling the condom out but I pulled it out anyway. It was quite funny to see the disappointment on his face.

I woke up this morning with the stomach flu. That damn chili!!

Karma is a bitch.

Female Condom (Femidom)

2009-06-27T14:08:00.009-05:00

Last night, Freshguy and I were fooling around. It was fun for a little bit until this long white bag fell out of his pocket as he was taking off his shorts. It was dark but that white bag looked very familiar. I ask what it was and he steps on it and scoots it to the side, pick it up and puts it back in his pocket. I pretend as if I dont know what it is as he starts to go down on me. Then I stop him because I was hoping its not what I think it was AND WHY THE HELL DOES HE HAVE IT!

Freshguy: baby? what?
Me: what the hell was that?
Freshguy: Nothing
Me: Then why were you hiding it!
Freshguy: Let me tell you the story
Me: (cutting him off) Is that a female condom?
Freshguy: (chuckling) Yes
Me: Why do you have that? Who gave that to you?
Freshguy: It was big box of them at my job, so I took them and regular condoms too

We laugh for about 5 minutes and start to fool around again

Me: why would you think that I wouldnt know what that was? Im getting a Master's in sexual health for a reason
Freshguy: I was hoping you wouldnt see it. Do you know how to use it?
Me: I taught my mom how to use it!

Sidetrack: My mom took a box from work and it contained hundreds of femidoms. She was shocked and asked me about it (she is an old fashioned nurse), I opened it up and demonstrated on my hand how to insert and remove a female condom (I didnt have fake vagina handy like in sexual health classes). My mom had 1 thing to say, "Its too oily!"

(Femidoms are very lubricated)

Freshguy: Have you ever used one?
Me: No. I just worked with them for my old courses
Freshguy: Can we try it?
Me: No! we are not even having sex!
Freshguy: Aww Heaven...

I turn around and go to sleep.

...a part of me wants to try it tonight after our movie and dinner date. Im going to. However, he CAN NOT fuck me til he cums. I have a plan to let him hit for exactly 2 minutes before I stop him and go to sleep.

I'm sure he will appreciate it. SOME pussy is better than NO pussy. Right?

Then is Then and Now is Now!

2009-06-26T21:08:00.000-05:00

THE END IS HILARIOUS! THE BEGINNING IS HILARIOUS!

..OH YEA, THE SONG IS GREAT. RIP MICHAEL JACKSON.

2 bad weeks

2009-06-26T16:47:00.003-05:00

I dont know what is going on! But Im trying to get my creditors to let my future lenders know that I have started a pay plan on the emergency room bill. I need an extra $10,000 to afford grad school and my future lenders need something in writing that I am going to pay this bill. Unfortunately, my creditors are being a real bitch about it. Infact, the bitch's name is Heather and I will love to drive to Michigan to whoop her ass!

Anyway, while aiming a fellow blogger, he always seems to ask me questions that piss me off and at the same time have me thinking all night. The question is as followed:

Well, what do you look for in guy?

Goddamnit!

So I thought and I thought...And I thought and I thought...And I summed it up today while teaching (shows how much I care about my job)...

1. Don't ask me questions.
1a. Act like you care, ask me questions

2. Gimme what I want, Don't argue with me
2a. Dont be a push-over, say NO sometimes and argue with me

3. Let me take charge in the bedroom
3a. Be aggressive, choke me sometimes and make me do what you want me to do

4. Be funny and goofy
4a. Be aware of serious issues, know when to be serious

5. Be smart and like trivia
5a. Dont be a know-it-all

6. Enjoy board games and random vacations
6a. Stay home with me and watch Cash Cab

7. Be considerate, surprise me with my favorite candy bar, flowers etc
7a. Dont keep anything from me as I HATE surprises

8. Dont say anything and listen to my crazy or stupid stories
8a. Give me sound advice, stay on task with the *point* of the conversation

9. Watch ESPN, think and breathe sports, play sports
9a. Give me my Discovery Channel, Discovery Health or TLC Channel time

10. Be appreciate of my taste in music, film and literary works
10a. Be your own person, listen to what you want

11.Play your gender role and I will "partially" play mine
11a. Be submissive when I need you to

12. Answer the phone when I call
12a. Keep me guessing

13. Have a sense of fashion
13a. Allow me to dress you

14. Be a tough guy
14a. Take a back seat and shut up

15. Laugh at dumb jokes, make dumb jokes with me, talk about me
15a. Be careful with the things you say, dont joke about things said in confidence

16. DONT BE A LIAR!

So there we have it. My list of what I want in a guy. I don't think I ever ask for too much...

Steady Shit Talking.

2009-06-23T23:24:00.011-05:00

I take long breaks.

My friend and I are talking. BUT I can tell we are not on good terms. She acts weird...like she has something to say but she cant seem to say it. Also, she tends to say slick comments every now and then. We had a falling out and then a comeback. I don't know. I dont know what to do and I dont know what to say. I'm just waiting...

So far, this has been happening in my life.

Richguy sends me off with the trip to Orlando. Almost 2 weeks later he calls me. and texts me. I was working and did not answer. Nor was I going to call or text back. Then he calls again. I answer.

Me: Hello
Richguy: Hello
Me: yea
Richguy: How come you are not answering?
Me: Im busy. I work.
Richguy: Are you mad?
Me: mad at what? (we both know I have a reason to be mad)
Richguy: About me standing you up?
Me: Oh, So you know what you did. Im not mad. (fuck you)
Richguy: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Why? (I am so done, you cant stand me up and expect me to see you)
Richguy: I had so much to do and I couldnt get to Orlando. Plus I had to go to my sister's blah blah

I tune the motherfucker out. 1st off, he asked me to call off work and I didnt hear from the fool when the time was approaching for the supposed trip. Before the trip, he said I better not stand him up. He will be so upset blah blah. Am I excited? shit like that. Well, fuck you. How can a man of 28 or 29 years play this goofy ass game. Be real with me. IF you have prior engagements, dont keep me thinking shit will work out and disappear when the time arrives. Be real. Be Mature. Thats all I ask. I missed 3 days of work for this bastard. He fucked with my money!

Richguy: Will you be in Chicago?
Me: No
Richguy: Thats the only time I have free. I cant get the trip to Orlando since I have to go back to work blah blah
Me: so. I just flew in from Atlanta, apartment hunting. I drove back home 2 hours yesterday right after my flight. I dont feel like driving back to Chicago.
Richguy: Then how do you want to go to Chicago?
Me: I dont know. (Motherfucker do you really think Im gonna come and see you)
Richguy: I really want to see you. I would love to go to Atlanta too.
Me: oh. (Im really trying to figure out the point of this conversation)
Richguy: So, are you going to come to Chicago?
Me: I guess. We will see. (You fucked up, and you expect it to be that easy.)
Richguy: Ok. Well Im gonna call you tonite. Ok?
Me: Alright.

He calls me at 10p. I press ignore and finish my nap. Now this guy never called me this much in 1 day. IF he thinks I will call him back, he must be sniffing on something.

I currently am talking to a 20 year old guy I call Youngin.

Youngin was a student of mine when I student taught an alcohol awareness class during undergrad. Basically, if things go "well" I will be fooling around with my student. Unfortunately, Youngin likes to talk about his accolades. Every conversation! Even at the Bar! Even at 2am with me laying in his bed, waiting for him to stop trying to appear mature, I guess. However, Youngin has got to be the sexiest motherfucker ever.

Youngin: Im currently participating in the blah blah scholars program. I have this scholarship, blah blah
Me: Mmhmm. I had that too during my time at U of I. Mmhmm (ok? whats the point of this?)
Youngin: I dont want to get distracted with things that hold black men back. I work as a mentor, blah blah
Me: Thats great! (why are you telling me this? Im not trying to give you a job! Maybe a blowjob!)

I heard from him today as well. Still the same shit. What is going on with these men!?!

Freshguy is still Freshguy.

...its freaking me out. Seems like a relationship to me. I got to stop it.

6 months into it. Still no sex.

Im surprised he is still talking to me!

The Praying Mantis

2009-06-08T08:11:00.012-05:00

I feel bad now. I seduce people. Men and Women. Then I am done with them.

Or am I done with myself?

Ok, I realized the idea of lesbianism was more fascinating to me than the act. Now that I have "committed" the act, I am now overcome with extreme guilt and shame. Once I reached my orgasm I had the thoughts of "this is not natural. I dont like this feeling. I dont feel like myself. This is not for me." All of a sudden I became this conservative. Me! of all people! I also realized that my being is governed by orgasms. (in a way). Once I have one, my feelings of love, lust etc. COMPLETELY disappears.

I thought this was an act that men usually have (saw it on the Discovery Channel).

I only like Freshguy only when he is going to give me an orgasm. Now, I think I should say I only like people until I get the orgasm. Then back to reality. Unfortunately, I feel like I used a very close friend of mine to fulfill this thought of lesbianism and I realize that she likes me but I rather be with a man. I may have lost a friend based on those very same selfish needs and wants that I have. The same needs that I fulfill that chases away so many friends and boyfriends. I have now settled with what I have done, but I feel as if I should become a recluse. In fact, that is what I'm doing as I type. I need to be alone. I need to find myself.

AGAIN!

OR did I find myself and just refuse to accept it? I cant explain how sad and ashamed I am now. I love my friend. My friend is a great person, but I cant be with her. She sent me an email that I refuse to read because I am scared. We shouldnt have done what we did. I know she feels bad for cheating on her girlfriend as well. I feel sorry for even putting her in that situation. I know she wanted to do it, but a part of me says I should have left to avoid the temptation. Why was I so curious? What do I do now since curiosity obviously killed the cat?

I think I lost a friend

2009-06-07T10:14:00.002-05:00

...I made a mistake. Im not ready to explain it as of yet.

I just had to get the first guilt step off my mind. 1st step to recovery is to admit, right?

A Victim of My Own Con Game

2009-06-05T19:01:00.006-05:00

I try my best to make this guy fall for me. Basically using him for my own selfish wants and needs. However, I find myself missing his company now that he is away in Paris for the week. This has happened to me before with other guys I have fooled.

Damn.

I must really like Freshguy.

Pounded Yams or American Pie.

2009-06-05T08:10:00.005-05:00

"Just call him." my mother said.
"why? I don't want to talk to anybody you and Maury (my aunt) hook me up with!"

I stayed trying to reason with my mom for an hour. She insisted I call this guy. He is Nigerian. He is nice. He drives a nice car. He is single. He is a resident working in internal medicine at the hospital my aunt works at, and she just KNEW he was the one for ME! Especially since he was a doctor...she kept saying that!

My aunt barely even knows me.

I was 19. Trying to figure myself out. and my mother and her sister was already trying to marry me off. Unfortunately, this wasn't going to be the last time my mother tried to marry me off.

"No! Im not calling him!" I exclaimed. "You cannot make me call him!!"
My mother made a disappointed face and won me over with her deep accent and her squinty brown eyes...
"Im so tired of my children marrying these...AMERICANS!" "I just want one of my kids to bring me home a respectable Nigerian man, even"

I dont know why my mom ends her statements with "even." And I dont know why my mom doesnt realize I AM AMERICAN. I was born and raised in America, I cant even fluently speak my family's language. The parents blew me off when I tried. I've never been to my parent's hometown. I didnt even know there were separate hometowns until I got to college. I occasionally speak to my distant family members. I only know how a few of them look. and there are hundreds of them. I have yet to meet my 6 half brothers and sisters. I didnt know their names until I was 13. I dont even remember it, and Im sure they dont remember mine. I didnt know the name of my parent's village until I was 20. I've yet to meet my grandparents. I didnt meet my aunt Maury, who lived in America, until I was 12.

I've NEVER "even" been to Africa.

But yet. My mom wants me to say Im Nigerian and I have to marry a Nigerian. However, I feel so troubled. Whenever I meet other Nigerians who ask me questions about Nigeria and start speaking to me in the language Im supposed to know. I stand there. Like a deer in head lights. I stand there. Thinking...

AM I WHO I SAY I AM?

"I have the facial features," according to some people. I have the name. I have the parents. I even have the history.

I have no idea.

I pick up the phone and dial. very slowly. I cringe when I hear this deep accent. Oh god. Strike me down.

"Hello"

"yes, Hi. I'm Heaven. Maury's niece?"

He asks me how I am and seems so damn excited. Im not. I think he sounds pretty wimpy. I want to get off the phone. But I dont, because my mother is breathing down my neck. We plan a date for the following weekend and I hang up and look at my mother. She is smiling from ear to ear. We walk outside and sit on our porch. Thats when she lectures me on being...I dont know, I guess African.

1. As much as you dont like your father, you better not tell him that.
(I say o..k. strange)

2. Eat with your right hand. (but Im left handed!)

3. Praise your family. Family is first

etc.

I look at her puzzled. and say I dont want to go. She convinces me to try it out. and I do. Our date is at 4pm that Saturday.

The date was ok. However, his ass was sooo damn late! I fell asleep and woke up and he still wasnt at my house. When he finally arrived, I was not disappointed by the way he looked but at the end of the night he did this weird "touching of my hand thing"...I wanted to puke. When we talked on the phone, I had nothing to say so he would whine "talk to me"...I wanted to puke. Its just not meant to be. We tried to go on a second date but he was soooooooooo late again, I went to sleep. (and I stress the extra O's I put) I didnt know if he showed up or not. He claimed he knocked on the door and no one answered. I feel he didnt come at all especially since my sister waited by the door for hours and said she didnt see him or his car. I waited a little bit too. With that being done, I completely stopped talking to him and answering his phone call.

No one sends off this diva!

Years go by and I still dont think I am who I say I am. I try harder to find out my cultural background only to discover that there is so much I still dont know. I still have yet to go to Nigeria/anywhere in Africa. And I am still ashamed at my ignorance.

Basically, I am still ashamed of myself.

No More Lez Porn Watching For Me!

2009-05-24T17:38:00.005-05:00

...Yep

Pretty freaking excited. I don't need the porn to get off anymore!!!!!

Today, I just got the absolute best head a girl has ever had in a long motherfreakin' time now.
I must say Freshguy is the bomb with the mouthpiece. It was so damn good, I almost fucked him. Not once but twice!
Too bad he is just like most guys and gets super excited and can't stay hard. That boy was about to get some. Sucks for him!

Richguy got my ticket to his Orlando timeshare. Time to vacay!

On another note, I got the nipples pierced. Random.
Now my clit isn't so lonely anymore.

My best friend since 4th grade. The 21 year old virgin (posted about him before). Has confessed to being in love with me.
I have yet to respond to his text. OR call him back.
I know I will hurt that boy. I will turn him out, he should not be in love with me!!!

Tuesday marks the day I start the new job and I take my sexual harassment case to a higher level.

Jesus take the wheel...!

Because this girl is tooo hot

I am strong. I am invinicible. I am woman.

2009-05-20T11:56:00.005-05:00

I filed a sexual harassment claim at 1 am today and have yet to get a response.

This is the 4th claim I have done in my life. And I doubt it will be my last.

My boss has been trying to fuck me for some time now and I decided since I graduated, I should report him to his boss and the director of the health center that I used to work at. For some reason, I regret exposing how my boss took me to his home and tried to make me drink hard liquor, how he has called me "cute" and said I "looked good" and that he "will punish me for being a naughty girl" or how he "will break my legs if I don't call him back."

I actually wanted to use this man as a mentor since he held the same job I will like to see myself in one day. Unfortunately I had to fuck my way to get it.

My heart is hurting right now because I know the head of the center received my email but has yet to respond because they like him. I forget that women are to blame in this society. Maybe it was something I wore, or the way I change my hair often, or the fact I am busty, or the fact I have a sexy voice, or my big brown eyes, or the fact that I wear makeup. Who knows? I should be familiar with this since grade school when I made my 1st sexual harassment claim.

6th grade: While walking home, I was attacked my 5 boys and fought them off of me. They groped every body part and one refused to let my breasts go. I fought vigorously and literally pried the boys hands from my breast. I ran home crying to my family and the next day I reported the incident to the principal. I had to explain what happened to me over and over again in front of the perpetrators. I felt so uncomfortable and sad and questioned whether the incident happened to me or not. I felt my principal didnt believe me, in the end I didnt believe myself.

Me: I was walking home when they attacked me.
Principal: Explain attack
Me: They grabbed my breasts, my vagina, my butt
Principal: Are you sure? Explain what they did

Freshman year of High School: A group of young men, known for being the popular bad boys grabbed me from my locker and into a space that was created from construction workers. No one would have known anyone was in that space created with dry wall and covered with plastic. I thought they were trying to scare me but instead they were trying to rape me. One boy played "look out" while the other tried to take off my clothes and suck on my breasts. I kneed his penis, bit him and fought my way out. I ran to the main office. I reported this incident to the principal but no action was taken and I transferred from the school the following year.

While in my new high school: my history teacher, my driver's ed instructor, the security guards and the police officer who patrolled the school often wanted to take me out on dates and ask for my number. The police officer was the most adamant although I will explain to him that I was 16 or 17. He would ask me when do I turn 18 and I would tell him on December 3rd. On my 18th birthday, he bought me balloons and flowers and asked to perform oral sex on me. I never reported the incident. I felt I couldn't because he was already a cop. I was young and now I know better.

Freshman year of college: I went out with a group of friends and got very drunk. I woke up with my clothes partially off and laying on the floor in my vomit. I wasnt going to report what happened to me until R and a former friend said it was best to go to the hospital. While at the hospital, I was given a rape kit where semen and saliva was found. I became very sick and unable to move due to what was in the drink I drank before. My urine was brown and I was given chemotherapy medicine to stop the nausea, put on an IV and stayed in the hospital for a day until what was in my system was flushed out. I made a police report but never followed through with it because I felt there was no use. The guy will never be found. I was left with an $8,000 hospital bill which I am still paying on til this day.

Police Officer: Do you smoke marijuana?
Me: No
Police Officer: Do you drink?
Me: I did drink
Police Officer: You are not old enough to be drinking

I realize now that the officer was out of line and what he asked had nothing to do with my rape. What happened to me that night still haunts every day even though I vaguely remember/recall.

Seniour year of college: My nasty ass boss. He has been trying to fuck me for a while. I have posted about his ass before. Im pretty sure he has tried this shit with other aspiring young women and will do this again. Even though I graduated from college last Saturday, I feel it is my duty to still report his nasty ass before another young woman is in my position and does not know what to do. He obviously thinks his position of power will get him some ass. Women must fuck their way to the top, I am here to change all that.

I will not stop until he is reprimanded.

"I want to eat you out, but Im not sure"

2009-05-19T11:49:00.010-05:00

After taking around 5 or 6 shots of Hornitos tequila and drinking my favorite drink, Gin and Tonic... those words sobered me the hell up.

"Maybe he is drunk too?" I think to myself.

This is the same guy who said he wont perform cunnilingus unless its someone he knows he will be with for a long time. Basically marriage. This is the same guy who has NEVER ate a girl out before. HOW CHILDISH IS THAT!

Now he wants to eat me out.

I lay on the couch enjoying my drunken stupor as he rubs my legs. For some reason, I am the horniest drunk in the world. I climb on top of him, kissing his neck while I undo his belt buckle. Then he says "I don't think you really want it"

I feel rejected. Once I start unbuckling a guys pants, I somehow end up getting fucked. This is weird.

Me: Yes I do. I know what I want. (angrily stated)
Freshguy: You are just drunk. You are Cairo right now, not Heaven.

I climb off him. Pissed. He likes to mention my drunk alter-ego Cairo.

After about 5 minutes, we start all over again. He finally takes my hand and lead me to his room. For some reason the kissing wasn't bad. I explained that I hate tongue kissing, so there was barely any of that. Of course he felt compelled to suck on my breasts but one thing I hate is when guys do it and stare at me. They look like big ass babies sucking for milk. I look up at the ceiling and act like I didn't see him. He takes off my leggings and I take off his shirt. Then I take off my top and unbuckle my bra. I hate the feeling of my breasts sitting on top of my bra. In the mean time, he is fingering me. I stop him to take off his pants.

Enough of this fingering stuff.

Freshguy: I dont think you want it
Me: Yes the hell I do. Go get a condom.

Im not sure if I really want it. But since R told me it will get rid of the P thoughts, I said why not.

He remains kissing my body. And I wait for him to get the condom.

Me: Whats going on?
Freshguy: I want to eat you out, but Im not sure

What!

Me:--blank stare--
Freshguy: You heard me?
Me: Um no
Freshguy: Should I?
Me: Freshguy, do you what you want? I dont care.
--just do it, please do it, hurry up and do it!--

All of a sudden...

Im having an orgasm.
....Hmm, I can get used to this.

Im having another orgasm.
....Damn, he is not that bad!

Im having yet another orgasm.
....I swear to god! He has done this shit before!!

Me: What the fuck!--pushing his head from my pussy--
Freshguy: cum again. I want you to cum again.
Me: No, I cant come again. --3 just might be my max, otherwise my legs become linguini--

Shit! I'm coming again!

I squeeze his head with my thighs and roll all around the bed. I am utterly shocked at this supposed FIRST timer. With a dick as small as his, his head game better be on point.

He kisses my whole body as he rises from my pussy. I am still in shock. He continues to try to go back down, I keep him from that area until the sensitivity is gone. For some reason, whenever I get really good head, I feel I must return the favor in some way. I wasnt going to suck his dick though....I have to get in the mood for that for some reason. Plus the size of his penis didnt pose as a challenge. Ive been recognized by the ex for my porn star skills.

Anyway, I would rather have sex since I havent had sex in so long.

I hold my vagina every time he reaches forward. He continues to push his hips forward and I pull backward. Im so confused. Does he wanna fuck? and if he does, how come he wont get the condom.

Me: Where is the condom Freshguy?
Freshguy: Its in the drawer.
Me: ok. you gonna get it?

-silence-

He keeps forward. I grab my vagina again. This shit is not funny. I will not fuck you with out a condom. I dont give a fuck. I cant believe I let him down there without dental dam in the 1st place...(I push all those thoughts out my head)
He finally stops and heads back down. He is down there for almost an hour. again.

He stops and is now hugging me and kissing my cheeks. I roll over and prepare for a good sleep. When this girl busts, she is gonna sleep!

He is all over me. I keep pushing him away. Im not the cuddling type!

Me: Stop it
Freshguy: Why do you like to turn away from me?
Me: Thats how I sleep! Now stop.

--he doesn't stop--

Freshguy: You know I did it because I have feelings for you.
Me: -laughing, FEELINGS FOR ME!?!-

Why couldn't he be one of those guys that do it...just to do it!?!

shit!

why am I always in a fucking relationship!?!

2009-05-10T02:50:00.004-05:00

yea

why?

this makes no sense

Freshguy checks in and checks out like Holiday Inn

Freshguy: Babe, I made it home.
Freshguy: Babe, I just left

Hold on!

Hold the mother fucking phone!

You are not my man. I dont give a fuck what you do! You dont have to come home, you dont have to leave. This fool also expects me to do the same. AND I ACTUALLY DO IT!

Common courtesy I guess. But tonight, he calls me while at the bar, in a corner. To tell me how much he likes me. He never felt this way before. He wants to go further. He misses me. He thinks Im sexy and cute and he is more than attracted to me. And he wants to know if I feel the same about him...I could not answer truthfully. AND HE SWORE UP AND DOWN HE WAS NOT DRUNK. but I think he was.

What I dont get is the fact he is making his life/career decisions around ME! He might stay in America for me! What the fuck! I dont know what to do. Why do men fall in love with me?!!!

I shouldve never showed him my pussy!

I saw it and said STOP

2009-05-05T09:48:00.008-05:00

Freshguy continued to whine. He wanted to come over, he missed me and even decided to text me in French how much he missed me. AND How he wanted to see me in lingerie or a thong.

Yawn.

I gave in and let his ass come over. I did not have lingerie on. I didnt feel like looking for it, since I seemed to have hid them after P and I broke up. Plus I NEVER wear panties, so I dont even know where my thongs were. I did have on a robe. I took him to my room and took off his clothes. That's when he decided to kiss me. And it was disgusting. He kept sucking my bottom lip and I had to stop him several times. I hate kissing in the 1st place, but when its nasty kissing...I hate it even more.

His tongue wasnt even slightly out, it literally began to drown me. He almost immediately went after my breasts. Which bores the shit outta me when guys decide to suck and lick on them. I know they are big but damn, dont spend too much time on them. It is not enticing.

Once I move him from my DD's, he decides to take off my boyshorts. I let him. He makes the "whoa" sound when he notices the piercing. I laugh. He proceeds to finger me.

Yawn.

This feels so high school. The fingering was terrible. He was trying to do it fast, I kept holding his hand to slow his ass down. He was a little too excited. I can tell this is his usual technique. He really needs to switch it up. I am not gonna teach him though. Fuck all that.
I remove his hands from my pussy. And then it occurs to me since he has yet to put his face in that location, HE DOESNT EAT PUSSY. I remember him saying that bullshit when I was at his place playing RockBand, I almost cringe! I actually do cringe. And now Im even more bored as I dodge his fat sloppy nasty ass tongue from my mouth and face.

Me: Stop sucking my face (whispering)
Freshguy:Why?
Me: What The Fuck?!
Freshguy: Ok, but you are so sexy. You are so sexy

Im laying there. Ass naked. And uninterested. And utterly disgusted.

He cannot stop saying Im sexy. How he loves my new long curly hair and He decides to take off his pants. Which I dont know why because I REFUSE to fuck a guy that doesnt eat pussy. Uh uh NO WAY. You got to eat me. YOU MUST EAT ME!

I sit up. He tries to push me back down. Now both our bodies are swerving because I am NOT laying back down. Plus, whenever I have sex with a guy the 1st time, I HAVE TO BE ON TOP. (its a control issue I have)

Anyway, I reach my hand out to see what he is working with. Since I really enjoyed my 12in and thick penis for a year, I expect something along those lines, maybe not up to P's caliber but at least a nice size, nice girth. Something I can feel. Something that wont plop out when I'm on my back or doing doggy. Something thats gonna rip my vagina hole a little, so when I urinate and feel a slight pain...I know I had some good sex with a big dick.
BUT NO.

He was tiny. Baby dick. I had to touch it 3x in order to make sure I wasnt feeling and seeing things. I expected more. I wasnt gonna fuck him at all but damn!

I want a guy with a package, not a postcard!

He tries to lay on me...

Me: Stop! (grabbing my robe)
Freshguy: YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
Me: Hell no. I said stop. (come to think about it, he was trying to fuck me with no condom...THE NERVE)
Freshguy: ok. (still touching me)
Me: Imma fuck you up. Dont touch me no more!
Freshguy: Fine. You just teased the shit outta me

(Fucking that little dick will tease the shit outta me!)

I scooted up to my gold satin pillow and turned to my side to sleep. He decides to rub me and hug me. He then puts on his clothes. I take off my robe. I say I am hot...just to warn his ass that I didnt change my mind. I feel icky! He practically sucked my face and nipples off and then wants me to fuck that bitty baby dick! Thats like child molestation fucking that little thing!

I am not pedophile.

I fall asleep and wake up this morning with a sore throat and a French fool next to me. I cannot wait to kick his ass out my house. He wakes up and tries to kiss me again...with morning breath and that nasty kiss. Hell no!

Me: stop that shit! (I turn my face from him)
Freshguy: How come you turning from me?

I dont answer. I get out the bed put on some clothes. Gargle and brush my teeth. Throat fucking hurts. I wait until 7:50am to tell him to leave. I make up an excuse about going to work early. However, he wants us to leave together. Bull shit!

Me: I like getting dressed by myself
Freshguy: Why? Whats wrong if we leave together?
Me: You got to go. I want to be alone
Freshguy: ok, but I wont leave until you kiss me

I take a quick look at his ashy lips and imagine the tongue and bad breath asphyxiating me.

Me: NO! just leave
Freshguy: I wont leave

Aint this some shit.

I pull him out the bed and towards the frontdoor. He grabs me and was so close to kissing my soft lips but it landed on the side of my cheek!

Me:Ugh! Arghh! Ugh!
Freshguy:(laughing) See you later. We are gonna get dinner tonight right?
Me: No.
Freshguy: yea we are. Im gonna call you. We are going downtown, that nice expensive place you were talking about.
Me: I guess (pushing him out the door)

He walks out the door and down the stairs. I lay in bed disgusted. Wash my face.

I feel like I just sold myself...

I know I only let him explore my body because I want him to buy me stuff.

...And I don't care.

Hopefully it works.

Hair Scare.

2009-05-03T15:05:00.003-05:00

So.

I hate my hair.
Actually, I dont hate it. I just cant get used to it.

Its big! Its huge! Its scary! Its curly!

ITS GODZILLA.

I dont know what to do, Graduation is on May 16th and I dont know what to do.

**tear**

I know I have been masterbating a little too often!

2009-04-29T01:30:00.003-05:00

...BECAUSE JACK the RABBIT IS BROKEN!

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A BROKEN VIBRATOR WHEN YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE SEPTEMBER, 2008!

IS THERE A GOD!?!

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME...

**OFF TO GO BUY THE BULLET**

FIGHT CLUB.

2009-04-25T08:41:00.018-05:00

Hanging with P. Being with P. Obsessing over P.

Forgetting about P. Not worrying about P. Laughing at P.

My friend R is a great girl. Smart. Funny. Genuine. Kind. Sweet. Sassy. Generous. Self less.

R is also what I call a "super thinker" which may or may not be a bad trait of hers.

Currently, R has come out as a lesbian. She partially has come out because a very select few know about her lifestyle, practically none of her family. I continuously try to push her ALL the way out the closet even by going as far as buying her a shirt stating:
OUT IS THE NEW IN!

Because it is.

So, when she hangs the shirt up in her CLOSET, its a warning sign that she shouldnt be in there in the first place! I dont like belief of keeping it "on the down low." I feel be yourself and you will feel better. In order for me to go through life every day, knowing that I am eccentric is to strongly, firmly believe that "people dont really care as much, that you are the one who really cares." Might as well be yourself, because once you show yourself, the person may forget or never bring up what you did. Therefore, you can continue being YOU without any qualms.

R is now is a relationship that strongly reminds me of my relationship with P.

And anyone who is anyone knows that P was the absolute worse person to be with. I feel like calling him and cussing him out right now ACTUALLY but something keeps holding me back. Maybe because he is agonizing right now since I never respond to his text messages, AIMs etc. Or I play the "Hi, How are you?" game and in the middle of him apologizing, writing down song lyrics and trying to go down memory lane...I disappear. A terrible teasing game where he thinks I will actually give him a chance and I am ghost after 10 minutes.

He actually thinks he was a good boyfriend: This is what he has stated to me April 21, 2009 at 7:16pm via AIM. "I did good also but I cant figure it out I think I was afraid of getting old and being loved like you did" "For me...I think that I was scared of how we would turn out""We clashed a lot but we worked a lot also""So, I was generally afraid you also made me feel financially inferior""So I can say that we did it to each other""We needed to help each other...but when I hurt you...you hurt me...and we never fixed it""We didnt help each other""I am sorry for it...I know how something so small can be meaningful and life altering"

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

The reason you beat me and treated me like shit is because we needed to help each other? In order to fix our relationship is because we needed to help each other? What the fuck!?!

This fool can never admit to fault. He is that terrible of a person. He some how finds a way to throw me under the bus with him...like he used to do when we were together. He can never do wrong all by himself. Someone had to do wrong with him. Immature.
Just apologize and admit to fault. Dont give me the we needed to help each other bull shit!
I did so much for this boy. I cooked, I cleaned, I bought him things. He did nothing but give me grief...Thank goodness I woke up and moved on.

R is in this same shit.

At first I was confused as to who was P in her relationship with said Domo. I thought R was P because she has a problem with a lack of response. Same as P. And it angers me so...

But as time went on I realized she was me and Domo (her girlfriend) was P. Domo would love her from a distance. The constant lovey dovey shit. The random I hate you. The instability and inconsistency. The Tyler Durden as I will call it.

Tyler Durden.

In Fight Club, Tyler Durden was the charismatic psychopath "personality" if you will call it from the main character. You think you are witnessing 2 people converse but in reality, it is just 1 crazy ass motherfucker and his multiple personality disorder. The main character aka the Narrator of the movie is involved with a woman name Marla Singer who experiences him and Tyler Durden. Here are some of their quotes:

Narrator: I know it seems like I have more than one side sometimes...
Marla Singer: More than one side? You're Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass!

Marla Singer: There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're... spectacular in bed... But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help.
Narrator: I know, and I'm sorry...
Marla Singer: Yeah, you're sorry, I'm sorry, everybody's sorry, but... I can't do this anymore. I can't. And I won't. I'm gone.

AND MY FAVORITE QUOTE IS!

Marla Singer: Ok. You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You show me a sensitive side, then you turn into a total asshole. Is this a pretty accurate description of our relationship, Tyler?

I LOVE FIGHT CLUB!!

P was never the same person. He had fucking issues. He would plot LITERALLY plot to piss me off, like disappearing for a few days, planting females in his car knowing that may be his best friend's girlfriend (even though his best friend was well aware of her being dropped off by P, P wanted to play a little game of not introducing her to me and acting as if she was his new love interest). P was fucking evil. Then he would kiss me. Take me to go eat. Say Im his boo and he loves me, dont leave him. He would move to where ever I go. Then cry over his ex. Break up with me, call his ex. Text his ex. Even though his ex wants nothing to do with him. Even gave him chlamydia for God sakes. Then another man wants to talk to me. He gets jealous. He would fight me. Drop me off somewhere and leave me there. I would leave him. Then he would come back and cry. Call me like crazy. Wait for me to come out my apartment. He would wait all night. Randomly show up places I am at.

Domo is the same. She cries over her ex. Wants to be in a relationship. Acts like she is in one with R. Then when she sees R, she is mean. Says she is not ready. Then plays jealous. Always calls and texts. Then she breaks up with R. Then comes back. Then R is done with her, she calls and texts like a mad woman. Like a stalker. She is annoying. Unstable. Doesnt want R to get off the phone. Is jealous of R's relationships with other people. R and Domo aptly named me Diva and when I spoke with her she states, "R is always talking about Diva. Diva this. Diva that. Diva did this. Diva said that." I guess she didnt notice that she was speaking to Diva (being sarcastic). I remained quiet and noticed that R is dealing with an insecure and low self esteem person. R needs someone with standards as high as hers. But its hard to see that when the sex is amazing.

R is in love with the sex. As I was in love with P's sex.

R is stressed out now. Grades are suffering and she just got back into the University. She is allowing this person to bring her down. She spends more time talking to her than she does studying for her exams or doing assignments. Everything else around R is stressing her too. But the selfish and inconsiderate girl cant take notice to R's demeanor. Something was bothering R. I knew it immediately. The sparkle in R's eyes were gone. She seemed dull and had something to say but didnt know how to put it into words. Everyday, I would ask "what is wrong R?"
I wanted R to give me a chance unlike what she did our 1st and 2nd year of college, where she left because of depression. I know depression. We couldve spoke to each other. Unfortunately, R likes to wait to the very last minute to say something. She procrastinates until it is time to worry. I believe when you have to do something, DO IT! Regardless of how you feel about it.

After my rape freshman year of college, I was at the lowest point in my life. I really didnt know anyone besides psychologists. I studied all day and all night. I had 4.0 GPA because I studied to get my mind off of it. Off of what happened to me. Off of being set up by my best friend because she didnt like me. Off of people who knew, but didnt say anything. And didnt say anything to me for semesters when they used to talk to me all the time. Everyone acted as if they didnt even see me. LITERALLY. I ate by myself. I hid the pain with laughter and jokes and studying. It took 3 years for me to acknowledge that I was date raped. I never told anyone but P and subtly expounded to R. P revealed his molestation and I felt closer to P. Unfortunately, P turned against me and stated mean things about what happened to me, such as "I feel like Im your counselor" even though I never spoke about it after that first time, he continuously brought it up even though he knew if made me uncomfortable. I realize now that was just his sick way of being a sadist towards me.

Such as when I revealed about a guy who ejaculated on me (we didnt even have sex, he masterbated behind me without my knowledge) and how pissed I was and how I didnt want that ever happen to me again. And how that really hurt me and brought me back to a place in my life where things were low. All of sudden, P felt it was necessary for him to pull his penis out of me and ejaculate on me. P was fucking evil.

When I met P, I was so involved with him and the stress he put me through. All of the random STD/STI tests I had to take and Pregnancy tests when he pulls off the condom during sex. His constant bouts with chlamydia. His so many lies. His cheatings. His beatings. The constant break ups from him. The amazing sex that I would rather have than study. The nights thinking about what he would do next or will he become mean and nasty again. The fact he would go in my wallet and take my money. So many things. My GPA suffered so badly. A 2. something. I never EVER got anything lower than a 3.6. I got almost all C's. I actually fought my way from from failing a class by realizing at the last minute that I was failing. I recognized the toxin and studied more whenever he tried to stress me out. My GPA skyrocketed. I learned to separate my professional life from my personal life. Unfortunately, I didnt realize I was back at that same low place when I was raped. I removed people and didnt go anywhere but to the library. I studied and fucked P. Luckily, studying removed the stress too. P was jealous and didnt like that and he fought me for it. R needs to learn how to do separate her professional life from her personal life. She is forgetting her priorities, which is finishing school and doing all the things she wants to do in her life as an activist. Domo is a hindrance just like P.

R is going through the same thing I went through. Kind of.

She is having a bad semester. She is involved with Domo's stress. She has to find her way out of it. If I can do it. She can too. Its never too late to turn around and start over or to improve whats coming up ahead. No need to give up. Its apart of life. Those things make you stronger. I would have still been mean nasty Heaven if it werent for P. I wouldve been still naive thinking that I wasnt ever going to get hurt if it werent for P. I wouldve still felt untouchable and I can do guys wrong because guys easily fall for me if it wasnt for P. R is in her first relationship. Unfortunately, this relationship is the ultimate test. I know R will pass victoriously. She did with her past depression. Of course she can do it again. The first step is removing the toxin called Domo. And the second step is cleaning up the grades.

Everything else seems to fall into place after the toxin is removed. For some odd reason.

Unfortunately, I now always think people are bound to hurt you. So you got to hurt them first. I refuse to fall for someone, even though I really like NavyMan. I am weary of letting him know that. I also dont want to like Freshguy even though he really likes me. I finally kissed Freshguy yesterday after 4 months of dating!!! And I dont call RichGuy because he makes me laugh. I know and hope this wont be the case with R. She has WAY more dating to do.

Domo and P can go to hell.

Wanna Go On a Date

2009-04-21T17:00:00.002-05:00

I come into a new nail salon today with a bottle of SmartWater and muddy black rain boots. I take off my rain jacket, place my gold metallic long umbrella on a seat as the nail techs ask me what will I have today.

"A fill in" I say and smile as I walk over to the nail polishes.

"Im feeling very purple on this rainy day," I say to one of the techs as I grab a goldish purple and sit in his customer's seat.

"That color will look nice on you!" he exclaimed. I smile agreeably and place my left hand into his hands. I love when men do my nails, hair, massage, customer service for T-Mobile or anything for me for that matter because they work hard and they dont care...you can pay less, ask for more and they will never give you a hassle like women. I really dont like women.

He works my nails. I let him know I am looking for a "nail home" because my current one is lacking in service and I am dropping them like a bad relationship. We laugh.
I love the care he puts into my nails and I smile like I finally found "home sweet home!" and I must know his name. He asks me tons of questions and I answer as best as I can because I can barely understand him under his face mask and heavy accent.

Vinny the Nail Tech: You live near by?
Me:uh mmmhmm. On Philo
Vinny the Nail Tech: Oh! Thats real close. You live with your parents?
Me: I live alone.
Vinny the Nail Tech:(chuckling) Oh I thought you were 17!! I thought you were ditching school!
Me: (giggling) Youre the second person to think I am a teenager. I am clearly an adult!
Vinny the Nail Tech: How old are you then?
Me: I am 22.
Vinny the Nail Tech: Oh! so you are in college or you work?
Me: I am in school
Vinny the Nail Tech: When do you graduate?
Me: IN 2 WEEKS! Hooray!

Once I was done with my nails and allowing them to dry. Vinny refused to stop digging into my life.

Me:These nails are beautiful!
Vinny the Nail Tech: Thank you. I work hard for you. You like to party?
Me: Every chance I get!
Vinny the Nail Tech: I LOVE to party. Im a party boy
Me:Ok (wondering why he is telling me that)
Vinny the Nail Tech: You wanna date? do you date? Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Um (confused)
Vinny the Nail Tech: Do you dance?
Me: huh (confused)
Vinny the Nail Tech: You know the girl that left, she is a dancer. I got her number (shows me the number). Its good money to be a dancer!
Me: oh like ballet or something. Thats good.
Vinny the Nail Tech: You dont dance?
Me: No, Im uncoordinated.
Vinny the PartyBoy/Nail Tech: You can make good money. Ill pay you. Sometimes you dance and earn a little money on the side. Do a little more. Ill pay you
Me: (I know this motherfucker is not propositioning me for sex!) What! No. You mean a stripper! No! What!
Vinny the Pervert: You make a lot of money. What if I pay you for like 2...2 hours?
Me: I am not a stripper or a prostitute!
Vinny the Pervert: Oh ok, fine. You are a student right?
Me: (at a lost for words) er. yep.

This is not the first. This is maybe the 5th time someone has offered to pay for my sexual services. I dont even dress revealing! Is there a sign on me that says "She's a very freaky girl!"

...my nails were fab though ;o)

NavyMan asked me to be his girlfriend. I havent heard from Richguy. Freshguy and I are still going strong since January. P is relentless.

I met New Orleans in Atlanta. I laughed at his Louisiana accent. He sounds like Juvenile!

I cant stop laughing at it and he doesnt realize Im laughing at him. He say's "Sup Cutie or Cutie Pie, what's so funny BeBay?"

I giggle. Somehow we got into the conversation about me not having sex since September 2008 and he feels sorry for me and can't wait to see me again.

Then he says "Ill eat you for an hour and fuck you for 2 hours..."

...an offer I can't refuse.

The Bourgeouis and Saditty Bitch

2009-04-12T08:28:00.015-05:00

He came in with a video camera taping me and my friends. "Phd guy is a complete asshole with his ugly ass and his ugly friends," I thought to myself.

My trip to Atlanta turned out to be a "semi-disaster" I went with people who did not want to do shit but complain and cry broke the whole time. I wasted $400 dollars on a trip that I saw the hotel more than I saw the strip clubs!

However, Magic City and the "dymes" that inhabit the strip club were SUPERB. No wonder why Jeezy and other rappers talk about that place all the time. I realize I love strip clubs because you know what you are paying for...unlike a club where you drop $20 and no one shows up. While in the strip club, you drop $10, $20 or $Free.99 and you get good music, ass and titties or even swinging dick.

I love that shit!

So, my trip to Atlanta was not all that bad. I loved each strip club I went to. The NightLife is TRULY grand! and The women and my graduate school (Emory) sealed the deal that I should move there. While in Illinois, I am thought of as "dressing up" but in reality I feel I look normal. I wore heels since the 3rd grade for goodness sake!
When I think back, I probably looked really silly as an 8 year old wearing my 16 year old sister's high heels. The girls at my elementary school hated me, and stated I will get raped because I wear heels all the time. My smart ass would say "Dont people get raped wearing our school uniform!?!" (I went to school in a rough area where little girls were found in abandoned buildings all the time, the city finally knocked the buildings down after years of complaining...typical of a black neighborhood of course) My sister is small, about 5'1'' and we wore the same shoe size when I was 8 and she was 16. I wear an 8.5 now and she is still wearing a 6.5. My little sister, who is 13 wears an 8.5 now!! Got to hide my shoes!!!

Anyway, While in college--I had to stop wearing heels and stop looking too dressed up. It was hard but I surprisingly found ballet flats to compliment jeans that will only look right with 4in stilettos. I dressed down. Well, to me I felt like I dressed down. I still got the "Why are you dressed up, Heaven?"

In Atlanta, I looked like I was dressed down. The women there take dressing up very seriously. I saw lots of 18 inches or greater lengths when it came to weave. I saw stilettos at the mall and at Gladys Knights Chicken & Waffles. I saw make-up and designer handbags...some real and some fake...but still marvelous nonetheless.

These women were FABULOUS.

I loved them. I wanted to hang with them. Shop with them. Talk to them. Adore hair with them. We can look all look cute together. While at Emory, a girl says, "I love your hair!" and I say, "NO! I love YOUR hair!"

We laughed and did a mini-hug. We genuinely loved each other's hair.

I freaking belong damn it!!!!

Back to Phd guy. He came to Atlanta to visit and did nothing but piss me the fuck off. I stopped talking to him thanx to that:

Ph.d: Yall going out?
Me: yep
Ph.d: Yall bought liquor, Imma come to yall hotel
Me: Yea. A little bottle for us 4 girls, so dont try to come over and use our shit
(this motherfucker is trying to freeload off of me! His big ass and his big ass friends~ Hell NO)
Ph.d: Im just gonna come over. We gonna buy liquor but its gonna be just for me and my guys
Me: Oh really! Its like that?
(Then stay your bitch ass at home!)
Ph.d: Naw. Im just playing
(No he is not! He is a selfish asshole ALL the time, too many events to think about right now)
Me: Well, we dont have chasers (Im kinda lying)
Ph.d: What! well we gonna buy chasers, but its gonna be stuff that we like to chase with
(Selfish asshole)
Me: Why dont you stay where you at?

I feel myself getting angry. I refuse to be angry when Im going to see strippers.

Ph.d: What you mean? Im just saying
Me: YOU not saying nothing. Let me call you back

I hang up the phone and complain to R, who is tooo excited to see T and A. She calms me down and I put on the tightest jeans in the world. R says I shouldnt wear a dress just in case we run into some major freaks at the club. I really wanted to wear a dress~~wink wink~~!

Just Kidding. Later that night, Ph.d calls and wants to come over. I say no. He whines and I submit. He comes over with his raggedy ass and his raggedy friends with a video camera. One of them insists on coming in even though it is 4am and all my friends are asleep or getting out the shower. Why the video camera? He should know he wasnt getting any! Ever in the history of living will I ever be caught dead on camera fucking his ugly ass!

Finally, after 20 min of trying to kick them out. I realized his friend was talking trash about me. Im usually quick with insulting people, but my sleepy ass did not catch on until it was too late.

His Friend: What school are you going to?
Me: Emory
His Friend: Oh, really. Thats the perfect campus. The perfect campus with bourgeouis and saditty people. All the girls are bourgeouis and saditty. Youll fit right in.

If I caught on, I wouldve said this:

First of all, you dont even know me to consider me bourgeouis or saditty. Second, the women may not be bourgeouis and saditty, it may be your hazel contacts and face that make the women not want to talk to you! Since Atlanta is known for the Down Low Black Men, maybe you should work on concealing your homosexuality a little better...the contacts are not hiding anything sir!
**************************************************************************
Im tired of being called bourgeois and saditty. People automatically look at me and say "youre from the suburbs and I bet your stuck up!"

When in all reality, Im from the city. The hood in fact. I dont think of myself as stuck up, but I do know what I want. And I wont take anything or anybody offering me LESS than what I deserve. Does that make me stuck up?
***********************************************************************************
Thursday, I went on a date with Dreads.

Dreads: Wanna meet up??
Me: Sure, where?
Dreads: Meet me at the Union

I arrive to the Union and greet him with a hug.

Dreads: What you wanna do?
Me: You called me here, so you dont have anything planned?
Dreads: Nope. I mean I figured
Me: well we can go to a museum or bowling

We go bowling. Im terrible at bowling in fear I will break my nails when the ball slips out from my fingers. SO I throw the ball instead. I laugh at how terrible I am. He doesnt find it funny. In fact, this annoying ass character is trying to convince me its not funny to laugh at your self.
I still laugh and I FINALLY hit a strike after several gutter balls.

Me: see I am a G!
Dreads: Oh, ok. SO youre a Gangster at bowling. Wow. A gangster
(Im joking you annoying ass loser)
Me: Yep. Nothing wrong with being a gangster at bowling. Imma gangster at Dance Dance Revolution too!
Dreads: That game is retarded. I will never play that because Ill look retarded...retarded...blah blah
(I stop listening because, like before he will go on and on about something not worth thinking too hard about. I thought things will change after I gave him a month long hiatus but he came crawling back and I submitted. WHY!?!)
Me: anyway, lets play dance dance revolution
(after much convincing he states he will pay for our single game of bowling, which was $3 and he gets coins for us to jump around on DDR)
Me: This is great!!
Dreads: I feel retarded. I wear a size 13 shoe. Im 6'4''. Jumping on this game. Im too big. I feel retarded...blah blah
Me: (why doesnt he shut the fuck up!?!) Its ok, no one is here. I wont tell.

After 2 games of Dance Dance Revolution, we step outside. Im confused as to what we are doing now.

Me: So? whats next?
Dreads: I dont know. You tell me?
(this is getting super annoying that he WONT think of anything to do. He wants me to come up with everything, I did that shit in Atlanta. Im not doing it again. I could be wasting time else where than being stared down (he stares at me weird, maybe its his intense stare) by this tall shmuck with terrible sarcasm, thinks he is funny and tries to come off as weird and interesting, when in fact--he is boring and annoying. Why the fuck did he call me out my humble abode just to have no idea of what to do? there is something behind this!)

Me: why did you call me out if you dont have plans?
Dreads: I want to put my bag in my car. Lets go to my car
Me: -he ignored me- Ok. where is it parked?
(Im thinking he has plans now)
Dreads: By the library but I dont wanna walk. Dont underestimate my laziness

A 5 minute walk turned into a 20 minute journey taking the bus all the way to his car. We stood by the car after he put his bag in there. He stared at me. I was wondering if he was crazy. And as usual he wanted me to make the plans.

Me: so?
Dreads: Well, I called, I set up the meeting, I played DDR and I thought of the trip to my car. So you have to think of the next journey
Me: -annoyed- um ok. How old are we? What is with this turn-by-turn basis thing you like? What time is it?
Dreads: 4:45?
Me: The museum is closed. What do people do at 5pm?
Dreads: Old people eat dinner
Me: wanna get dinner?
Dreads: -shakes his head no- I already ate. I dont wanna be fat
Me: i just ate too. Wanna go to a movie?
Dreads: We can do that!
Me: ok

I start walking towards the car door. When:

Dreads: you pick the movie. Since I paid for bowling. You pay for the movie.

(this motherfucker got me twisted as hell! I dont pay for shit. I went through a 5 year relationship and only paid for our dates twice! Get the fuck outta here! Its the first motherfucking date, and he wants me to pay. This loser. I know he gets no play. He is annoying and he is a cheap bastard. He waited for me to suggest something so I can pay. Please! Besides, bowling was $3, that is significantly lower than the movies. Cheap ass. I might as well go by myself)

Me: What!
Dreads: You suggested it. Plus I paid for bowling.
Me: (I start digging in my purse for my phone, getting ready to make a smooth exit) Im not paying for it. This is the 1st date. Plus a guy is supposed to make a good impression.
Dreads: This is a date? I dont like that word Date. Is that what you call this?
Me: NO
Dreads: than what do you call this?
Me: WEIRD!
Dreads: Whats wrong with you paying? What year are we in? (you can tell he used this line before)
Me: 2009
Dreads: so, maybe if it was pre-1950s we can say that. This is equal opportunity. Women and men are equal. Blame feminists for that. blah blah blah blah. yawn yawn yawn. Feminists will be mad at you for your comment
Me: First of all, I am a feminist. Second, that doesnt have to do with anything. I like chivalry.

(I pull my phone out and call my friend V.)

Me: Hey V. You Home?
V: -giggling- Yes. How are you? Hows the date?
Me: We'll talk about that. Im coming over.

I pull away from Dreads' vehicle

Me: Im bout to go.
Dreads: You dont have to leave. Why are you leaving?
Me: Well, since going to the movies didnt materialize. I might as well leave.
Dreads: Well, how was I supposed to make it, out of sweat and boogers.

Huh

Me: Well, since going to the movies didnt go through. Im going to leave. Is that a better phrase for you? since you dont understand materialize...
Dreads: Fine then.
Me: Bye!

I walk off. Delete his number. Call V. Go to her home and swear off dating any undergraduate and graduate (Ph.D guy) men at my university. I am done. Emory hurry up!

Time goes on. I go to Chicago. Randomly. With my very close friend D. We went there to see a family friend of hers whom she hasnt seen in 5 years because he lives in Texas. Supposedly he is African Royalty. I say "yea yea" to myself because every African considers themselves royalty. He picks us up in a very nice Mercedez and takes us to the hotel he booked for us. I look terrible. I have rollers in my hair and a hair scarf on when the concierge opens the door for us and was insistent on taking my bags out of my hand. Im thinking..."oohkay. Nice hotel"

VERY NICE HOTEL. King size bed. Robes and slippers. Kitchen area. What have you! Im excited. Im only gonna be here for a day. Why did he get all this?
He tells us to get dressed for dinner and he will be here in an hour. I cannot wait to get out of my rollers and into the quadruple head shower!

My friend and I roll all over the bed before we get dressed. We have a feeling this is gonna be a fun weekend. I love to party especially in Chicago. I promise myself not to look for any "boos" since I am around Africans. They talk too much!
I have to be innocent. Kinda.
I throw on my Charles Drew black leather stilettos. A sweater and some jeans. Necklaces and earrings. I do modest makeup and flat iron the curls down from my hair. He picks us up and takes us to Texas de Brazil Churrascaria Brazilian Steak House. Not expecting that.

I ate all types of meat from around the world. I dont even eat steak but I ate it this time. I adored the seared tuna and the signature Brazilian Picanha. I got partially drunk off of the fine wine and cocktails. The waiters came in and out with food you have to try and they gave you a card to tell them to stop when you had enough. I NEVER had enough.
Finally, after drinking down my wine and eating my cinnamon sugar plaintains for my dessert. The bill came:

$800!

D and I looked at each other like "what the hell did we get ourselves into!?!"

After a huddle of the African men talking. The bill was paid for by D's family friend. I said "well that takes care of everything, time to get dressed to go out." On our way to the hotel, he asks me alot of questions of where I am going after graduation and how old I am. I jokingly say 28 and he says he is too. I correct him and say I am 22. He laughs and says he knew I was joking but he is 28. I mimic his accent and We talk and laugh all the way to the hotel.

I grab my tight, sexy, grey dress. Shows all my curves and it has a major dip in the front to flaunt my 34DD.

"This dress gets the men D!" I say laughing. She laughs and says "all those titties!" She puts on her tight little pink number and we swear we are gonna shit on those hating ass African women. We finish our makeup and hair and head out the door. We get into the truck of one of his friends and we head off to the nightclub appropriately name Victor Hotel. Since the bouncer is his friend, we just get in. No problem.

However, the owner says too many people came in for free. D's friend pays $110 for us to get in. No problem again. We thank him and start partying. Grey Goose and Veuve Clicquot service galore in our reserved room. Our own personal bartender. I feel like a freaking star. A DRUNK STAR!

Next thing I know, the men are all over me and D. I mean stalking us practically. I have so many numbers in my phone, I dont who is who or if I should even answer. D and I were all over the club. The African men were all over us too. I laugh to D about the dress, when her friend comes out of no where to dance with me. We dance for 6 songs!

Without further ado, he will be named Richguy.

Richguy: you dont wanna dance with me?
Me: My feet hurt
Richguy: 1 more song.
Me: No

I gave in and danced for 1 more song. I head back to the reserved room to have a seat and sip champagne when his friend wants a dance too.

Cockblocker #1: come on. dance with me sexy
Me: NO

Then another friend

Cockblocker #2: I thought you were my girl. You took my number
Me: -laughed and walked off-

Throughout the night Richguy's friends cockblocked him soooo hard it was painful to be the girl they were pursuing. I was mainly interested in Richguy but his friends were not too happy with that. They literrally would stand inbetween us while we were talking. Or drag me away from him. It was pretty pathetic on their part.

Richguy: I cant believe this. I havent seen them in 5 years and thats what they do to me? They clearly see Im interested in you. Is there a lack of women in Chicago or something?
Me: Those are your friends. Cockblockers.

We laugh and exchange numbers. He offers me another drink and I rather have water. I dont want to start vomiting. He gets me a bottle of Voss water (such style that guy has) and I sip and sit. When another friend tries to talk to me when Richguy walks off. Pathetic. I decline his advances.

The night ended with him paying the bill for the bottle service which was over $1000. His "friends" left him with the bill. again.
We head to an after party and we canoodle the whole time. Suddenly, his so-called best friend that he grew up with decides to pick me up and dance with me while me and Richguy are talking. I start to think, "I'm finer than I think I am!" Just Kidding. Not.

Richguy doesnt do anything. He looks angry. I shake his friend off me and go back to my potential boo. He talks about it but I assure him that im interested in him. When that was over, we go back to the hotel and I am completely innocent. We sleep in the bed. No Cairo. No Nothing. Im proud of myself. Cairo remained where she was. Maybe she is still Atlanta at Stroke-ers Strip Club paying for T and A. She'll be back. She always comes back.

Later that day, we go get African food and we talk and laugh. He is so nice. But I couldnt help but notice his completely discreet designer labels. I didnt know his shoes were Louis Vuitton until he put his foot on the ottoman and I saw the LV on the bottom sole. I didnt know his belt was Prada until I stared at it hard as hell. I was shocked his all black button-up shirt was Burberry until he hugged me and I looked in the collar and saw the infamous plaid fabric.

I could get used to this!

Prada stilettos. Vivienne Westwood dresses. LV leather bags. GUCCI BANDANAS!

So far, I have been talking to Richguy for 2 weeks now. I like him. Despite his wealth, he is actually nice and funny. He laughs at all my jokes. And Im actually funny according to friends and family. I dont think so though. He works alot and calls me at weird hours when he gets off, so I have to either A) stay up and wait. or B) catch him another time because Im sleepy. I tend to do both. We played phone tag last night and for the last couple of days. Mimosas make me dead tired. Triple sec makes me dead tired. and Yesterday I finished a marathon and my body ached and I could not stay up. I will call him later on today though. Im actually gonna call..hurumph. Must mean something for me to call...

We will see how this plays out.

********************************************************

Freshguy is slow. I mean something is completely wrong with him. I have yet to kiss him and we have been talking for about 4 or 5 months now. I am not attracted to him. I dont even want to hug him. He doesnt spark my interest what so ever. I dont like kissing anyway, but I really dont wanna kiss him.

Yuck.

However, he is falling. Calls me all the time. Says he is gonna work harder to earn my kiss. Blah blah. Stop while you are ahead. I dont know how I can get rid of him now. He is in too deep. Guys always falling in love. Leave me alone! The language barrier is pissing me off as well. He doesnt get certain terms such as "a needle in a hay stack" I should not have to explain that!

He calls me stupid when I say a joke. I dont like people calling me stupid. even as a joke. Thats a pet peeve of mine, calling me stupid or telling me to shut up. My roommate has a tendency to say Shut the Fuck up and I have to grit my teeth when she does. I have to do the same for Freshguy! ARGHHH

Last Night, I finally answer his phone call. He asks how I did in the marathon and if I ran the whole time.

Me: yea I kinda ran the whole time until when I got to the finish line and almost threw up, I had to stop and compose myself before I threw up in front of everybody.
Freshguy: aww you stopped! what! Biiitchhh

What the freaking fuck! Did he call me a BITCH!

Me: what! the hell!?!
Freshguy: oh Im sorry I didnt mean. I was joking

(he is stumbling over his words. I think he is confusing me with his male friends. Its ok to call them bitches when you consider what they have done "bitch moves" but not me. not a female. He is fucking slow! I call my brothers bitches all the time. We laugh about it. They never called me a bitch ever. Maybe JOKINGLY say slut or whore and that I "wasnt shit." But not bitch. My brothers and I have a weird relationship but we are sooo close. This boy just called me a bitch)

Freshguy: Im sorry.
Me: yea. ookay
Freshguy: What are you doing tonight?
Me: Chilling. I just ran. Im tired. Need sleep

(Im speaking in a certain way because I am gritting my teeth and I am annoyed. The night before he was drunk and called me to come over. I said "no because it is 4am and I have to get up in 2 hours to run a marathon and you woke me up!" He says "What does that have to do with anything?" I hung up the phone. Went back to sleep. Fucking slow!)

Freshguy: Ok. I cant come over.
Me: Let me call you back, Freshguy

(I hang up. I might have to exile him)
**************************************************************************
P sends me texts everyday of "Hey" and that "I am treating him now." He tells me about a dream he had of meeting my new boyfriend. I dont respond...ever. He says I was great and he was sorry for being an asshole and messing up what we had.

Its Too late.
**********************************************************************
Navyman emails me all the time. I email him back. We literally have email conversations. Its kinda cute. He keeps sweating me for pictures though. He is moving to Pensacola in August. Which is 5 hours from Atlanta!

Somebody is trying to get fucked.
**********************************************************************
To end it, I contacted my ex, high school sweetheart to see how he is doing before we graduate and move on with our lives come May 16th. Juicy is his name. I loved him. Not as much as P, I think. But he was a great guy. I cheated on him alot and we broke up at the end of our 1st year in college after a 5 year relationship. But still had something going on. His girlfriend called me back, wanting to snap since she went through his phone read the text messages and since my name isnt saved in his phone, decided to call and confront the person. I remained calm and let her know who I was. She couldnt even snap because we know each other. We all went to high school together. She asked me how I was doing--I thought that was hilarious. I know she hates me because I was fucking her boyfriend for 2 years. I went from the girlfriend to the mistress.

This story is long. I will get back to it. Deserves its own post.

If you can see through...

2009-03-21T00:04:00.005-05:00

The surge of depression has come over me.

This usually happens when I feel I have not complete what I shouldve or when I am embarking on a new journey. I get extremely sad.

I want to cry.

The tears wont escape me. I feel as if im missing something or missed out on something. I leave Champaign tomorrow night and I am deathly afraid. I know I will start this new world in a few months. I am so depressed. Like I have no one to talk to and no one to hug. I dont know what to do.

I know it will disappear as soon as I board the plane. But that wont be until Tuesday. I have to be strong...

I don't know if I can. These feelings happen a little too often.

Before I discovered Blogger.

2009-03-19T10:40:00.009-05:00

I ended up getting "my porn" from P. Even though he gave me the run around for the longest. I went to Best Buy to check and make sure it was the right video...and it was the right video.
Risky.
I was scared that as soon as I pressed play my naked body will pop up on their mega screen with tons of me gyrating on several different screens. Luckily, it didnt happen. I left with a smile on my face. P has been on my mind alot since I saw him that Saturday. I hadnt seen him since September. I dont know if it is love or if Im just bitter. I looked lovely on Saturday. He, on the other hand, looked terrible. The asshole tried to pull a fast one by kicking himself out before I did. He always tries to save himself from humiliation. Then sends me a text as he was already on his way home, that I "look nice" his fave word to me...never pretty or beautiful. He couldn't say it when he saw me? I guess being nice is too hard.
Ill never forget the sound of his voice whenever I put minimal effort in looking nice...he always sounded surprised like "wow, you look nice" Like I never ever look good...Im a diva for goodness sakes it takes me 2 hours to dress up EVERY DAY. On that particular day itll take me 2.5 and he would notice...the nerve.

He texts me "goodmorning" and other shit that he never did when we were together. I didnt respond. I got what I wanted from you. Now leave me alone. My nice ass finally responds after 4 days to see how his police training went here in this small town. Then he tries to be an asshole again.

Why did I even respond to him?

Well, it doesnt matter. I left him. I am done. It is done.

To make myself feel better I decided to look through my past journals before I discovered blogspot and found a journal I wrote in October, 13, 2008. Days after I made the decision to leave P for good. Reading it made me feel better. I used to send P my journals and he would send me his. That journal entry I wrote Oct 13, I didnt send him. I was completely done and he didnt deserve to read anything else about my life and how I felt. I realize I wrote these things to get the anxiety off my mind. I realize P wrote them to feel important. I also noticed how P competed with me consistently. He even tried to write like me but it never really came out very well. I even decided we write a sex journal, chronicaling all of our partners. I wrote mine epistolary. Like The Color Purple, but I was writing letters to all the men I slept with. Describing things about them, their size, attitude, how I felt about the sex etc. He gave me a version of his but decided he was gonna change it after I gave him mine. Plus he had around 20 partners and said he couldnt remember them all. I NEVER got his new version. Apart of me thinks he stole my style.

His journals sucked but he claimed he wanted to get them published and title will be Nigger or something of that nature. I yawned at the idea and said "didnt Nas already shock the world with the term nigger?" But he was persistent on being controversial, I said fine name it "A Coon's Memoirs" and he agreed. Although nothing in his journal involved facing racism or discussing living a tough neighborhood and the shit you go thru from living in the hood. Although he lived in rough ass West side of Chicago with a crack house in front of his house etc. His journal didnt discuss that or anything relevant for that matter. Nothing. It was just about his adventures in downtown Chicago. I might post his. I will post all my back issues.

So, without further ado. I am posting my last journal before I transistioned to Blogspot:

10.13.2008
Mirroring footprints—“Torture”

I think he tortured me in the beginning but towards the end, I began to torture myself. I have been tortured by a few people and I plan to avoid being tortured in the future. Ms. Stuwah, my mother, Mike/Tony, anonymous, K and P have taken pride in torturing me, even if they were not aware of their actions. I almost think I should add myself onto the list.

The weekend was fabulous. My friends came; although one of them got on my nerves I was still glad to see her. We are currently planning a spring break trip and I am in need of leaving Champaign now…After studying for the whole Sunday, I received some excellent news on my GRE practice. I guess the anger of P put me in an academic mood. Academia is one of my outlets to escaping a broken heart, besides traveling from city to city. Oh, how I love academia…
My essay portion, sent to Princeton Review, came back with perfect scores. It is hard to get a perfect score on the essays in GRE but I, of course, defy all rules especially when mad.

My practice test was not bad either. I am going to “bang” that GRE…a joke S and I used to say about tests. I haven’t spoken with P. Which comes as no surprise. P is very mercurial. 1 minute he loves me and he cares, the next he is off doing who knows what. The more that happens, the more I realize I am too old for games and need consistency. Maturity.

Ill be outta Champaign IL on Halloween. I know it will bring me realization and a breath of fresh air. I am going on a travel grant so I don’t have to pay. I wouldn’t mind paying but it doesn’t hurt to go for free. I am going alone.
I want to know how it will be to go out alone and party alone. People actually do that and I am going to try to be one of those confident and independent people.

I thought about him all weekend and the days prior when I haven’t heard from him. I was breaking it off, but he claimed he was not going anywhere. And I didn’t let him. I answered his texts and calls. But that type of shit only lasts 2 days and he is back to being the asshole he naturally is. He disappears, not answering calls and texts. While I sit at home tortured by his constant disappearing act. At least he is consistent on that…
His text comes in while I am “partying” it up at Radio Maria. I ignore it. I cannot believe I ignored his text. I must be moving on. Downtown Champaign reminds me of the lounges I inhabit in Chicago. I decide I will travel to downtown Champaign more often for my partying necessities and go back and forth to Chicago to fulfill my Sex and the City lifestyle. The party girl has returned.

Sunday/Monday, P’s journal comes to my cell at 12:45am. I tell myself not to read it but I am curious to know what has been going on in his life. I guess I am used to being apart of it…sporadically
I read it and here are my thoughts on it…
P tries too hard with trying to make profound, intelligent sentences; I have to read it more than once and I still don’t know what he is talking about.
Sometimes the words are used in the wrong context…he needs to work on that if he plans on getting it published.

He talks about some girl asking him if he is in a relationship because she seemed interested in him, and he dodged the question because he doesn’t know. I was highly irritated about the women he put in the story. I guess I am a jealous girl. But I can definitely hold it in for someone like P. It was not a good relationship and I kind of feel sorry for any girl that he will be with in the future. It is almost misogynistic. He will pay no attention to her and have no reaction to what situation that goes on in her life. He will definitely show her he does not give a damn, maybe him being alone is best so he can find himself and not spread his lack of concern or care to anyone else. Lord knows he treated Amanda like shit and definitely me. The two anomalies were Tiffany and maybe Shantae. Actually, he treated Tiffany like crap too. He cheated. A lot. You only hear 1 side of the story. As a matter of fact, I can never get over the fact that P really wanted Tiffany but yet he would sleep with me and be around me. Then, send her letters and texts as if he was being an angel…waiting for her. P is a liar. And I think Tiffany knew that. I began to realize that. Such as him stating he never ever sent naked pictures to anyone but me, but I am positive he sent them to Angela. He gave me his email password because he couldn’t access the Internet and I read everything in it. The letter he wrote to his ex Tiffany while we were together, stating that he would wait for her and he love her. She never wrote back. Funny thing, the very next day after he pours his heart out to Tiffany, he sends naked pictures to Angela (Angela was a girl I went to high school with, P slept with a lot of people I knew, which was kind of embarrassing) and P was with me. But he was “waiting” for Tiffany, right? Full of shit. That was a warning. Tiffany NEVER responded. She knew something I didn’t know.

Sometimes I feel I deserve to be treated bad based on my actions to certain guys. I realize I will never treat anyone like crap again. Karma is a bitch but it is a life lesson that should be taken into consideration. P is judging his attractiveness on little girl’s reaction towards him in the journals. That disturbs me.
I am so against pedophilia, it isn’t even funny. Even a little bit of weird situations involving children turn me the hell off.

For some strange reason, women avoid the men that will treat them right. I left and cheated on all the men that treated me right. In the beginning of P’s and I relationship, I was nothing but dirt. At the end of P’s and I relationship, I became dirt again.

Or was I always dirt?

I stayed. Through thick and thin, I stayed with him. I should have cheated. I should have left.

Am I bitter?

I will make sure I don’t bring this baggage into my next relationship. I never bring baggage but then again no man has ever really treated me like crap.
The funny thing is P wrote in his journal was that “we are on a sabbatical” the messed up part is that 1 person will be aware of the sabbatical…and the other randomly finds out. Maybe in a journal? While chasing and trying to fix something not worth the effort.

Ill use these lessons for my little sisters:

If he is trying to “entertain” someone else, leave him
If he fucks you and then acts like you are not there, leave him
If he is stuck on his ex, don’t even get involved with him
If he breaks up with you every time the wind blows, stay away…remain away
If he could keep himself so busy that he can’t even contact you via text, leave him
If he rather be with his friends, leave him
If you ask him if he is gay (which you shouldn’t have to) and he answers “I don’t think so,” Leave him
If he hides shit from you such as an STD and a relationship, leave him
If he is in a relationship, don’t even get involved with him
If he cannot stop contacting both his exes and has the nerve to become chauffeur to one of them because he “feels guilty,” leave his ass!
If he can respond to his ex’s text messages but seem to not see yours, leave him
If he tries to test you by bringing a female to the situation in order to make you jealous then talk about you afterwards, leave him
If you happen to hack into his Myspace and he is setting up an appointment to fuck someone he met on there while you are living in another state for the summer and then he argues that you cant have male company without the knowledge that you know he plans on having some random female over in the upcoming weekend…leave his ass!
If he never says you two are in a relationship, doesn’t acknowledge it, doesn’t introduce you as someone close to him but you two act like you are, leave him so help me God!
If he is selfish, leave him.
If he doesn’t call you or answer your calls and the next morning on your way to work you see him ride past you with some girl in his car and he gives you a lame excuse of dropping her off at work for a friend…leave his ass!
If he makes false promises, pay attention to them and if they get out of hand…leave him
If he barely compliments you and rather talk about you, leave him
If he tries to find a way to control you and lower your self-esteem by saying shit and doing shit only an enemy would do…leave his ass!
If he never gets you anything and if he does, it is thrown back in your face, leave him
If he knows you are mad and he doesn’t call to fix it or find out why, leave him
If you are mad and he gets mad at you for a reason randomly made up in order not to apologize and in the end you both are mad, leave him
If you want to talk to him about something that upsets you and he shows ABSOLUTELY NO compassion, leave him
If the glue to the relationship is sex, leave him
If you begin sending texts without any response and you feel like you are talking to yourself, you talk about it with him and if he continues, leave him
If you try to make the most of the relationship by trying to take pictures together or go on trips and he ignores you, leave him
If you plan a romantic cruise for just the two of you and he says his friend has to come so he won’t get annoyed, leave his ass!
If he constantly competes with you, leave him.
If he lies about the most trivial things, like the ending to a movie you BOTH watched, leave him.
If he chokes you in the middle of street, drag you to the car and bang you up while in the car and force you to put on your seat belt while he speeds thru the city and wont let you out…LEAVE HIS ASS!

He doesn’t want to be with you. He is using you as a fall back. You were never in a relationship with him and never will be. He is trying to control you. His whole purpose in this relationship is to hurt you. Stop torturing yourself. You are a gorgeous girl and you will definitely find someone else, it’s inevitable. It’s his loss, not yours. You are gaining.

Not talking and letting P go slowly makes me feel better. I know there will be times that I will recount the fun things that we did do…such as sex. But I never will have to wonder if he will return my call or text me. I could care less if he does or doesn’t. I was thinking about changing my number for the sake of it but I love my number and will never change it. My number looks like a phone sex hotline number!! I have enough self control not to call him or text him. I will just let him go, be free. I think we both deserve it. I had enough Karma. I will definitely miss him. For what reason, I don’t really know. I will never be upset again, that’s a good thing. If I ever see him again, I don’t know what I will do or say under the circumstances of this “break up.” I feel like we should have just been friends and never got into a sexual intimate relationship. I almost regret ever telling him about my rape and molestation. But I figure he deserved it in order for him to come to terms on his past damage. We met for a reason and it was literally a season. He said if we make it to November then he would consider it a relationship and start caring. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize he did not want to start caring about me until after November and this was told to me in March!!!

(sigh)

I made a grave mistake by keeping him around…and it almost made it to November. What a joke.

Every Few months P will realize he “loves” me. On Spring Break, On Winter Break etc. The thought of it makes me form on my lips “FUCK YOU, P!”

I will count this year of torture as my lesson and my time of being single. I am glad to know I am capable to not cheat and to be caring and kind. It is possible for me to love. I am proud of that. Unlike with K, I removed anything that threatened the relationship. I completely stopped conversing with people and I shall start talking to them again and let them know of my abuse.

I usually send these journals to P but I may or may not send him another. I honestly hate him now and I really don’t want anything to do with him.

Drowning Heaven...

2009-03-11T20:58:00.003-05:00

I sit on the train filled with so much anxiety.

Why the fuck did I make that video anyway?

I talked to P this afternoon. We talked as if everything was ok. Which bothered me. I wanted him to beg and plead, instead he brings up our past and you can hear the assurance in his voice. You can feel the confidence in the phone.

He is thinking that we are getting back together. In a slow and steady process.

"You know, I thought you and W had something going on?"

P: what! I am not gay. I knew he liked me. But I never had anything with him.
Me: yea...ok.
I was being very cynical.

P: He liked me. I like women...

P begins to describe all the certain events that reveal W's homosexuality but never thought to talk about his. So I decide to bring it up

Me: you two seemed very close. Too damn close for comfort.
P: -laughing- I am not gay. I think you are thinking this because you were mad at me. I stayed away from him. I should say you are the gay one...didn't Georgia try to "rape" you! -laughing harder-
Me: -gritting my teeth- actually I hate that term "rape" and no. Me and Georgia only kissed. I kissed a girl...and I didn't like it.

Background: Because I am an avid lesbian and homosexual "porn specatator," I started to think I was a lesbian because heteroporn never interested me...I figured since I can do that myself, why not watch something taboo to me. After awhile I thought I was a lesbian, I do find some women attractive...even opted to kiss a girl and kind of date one...but I figured "nope, this is not for me" I guess I like chest hair more than I like breasts.

P: you still into girls?
Me: I don't know. Actually, no. But who knows
P: well, im not gay. You were just mad. If you thought I was gay why did you stay with me?
Me: I guess I was in doubt. I can't explain it...

I was at lost for words. He asked me a good question. But...This motherfucker is in denial, I guess he thinks I will forget about the numerous things I stuck up his ass.

Me: im coming into town. I will be in Chicago tonight.
P: I guess you want that video huh?

I asked P to mail me the video, instead he blackmailed me. Stating that I have to come and get it or else type of shit.

Me: you know I do!
P: well I can give it to you. But I still haven't watched it yet.

Um no shit. P sounds a bit excited. He has the opportunity to see me. We last saw each other in mid Septemeber 2008.

Me: why do you have to watch it? just give it to me.
P: I want to remember our good time.

P and I's supposed "good time" involved me doing unbelievably freaky things on video. In night vision. And regular setting. On the couch in my living room. The noises is a dead giveaway of all the things that went on in the video. I remember the home movie vividly. I was the black Paris Hilton!

P: call me when you get in town.
Me: ok. Have the video so we can go our separate ways
P: why does it have to be like that. I swear you only contacted me to get that video back!
Me: look, we are not together. If we were, I would say something like this "lets watch that video together" but no, I will be a professional one day.
P: you would really say that?
Me: what?
P: we would watch it together -he mimicks my squeeky voice-
Me: why not? If you were my man
P: I miss that. I miss that feeling. That voice.

Uh oh.

Me: well, I have to go. Ill get in contact with you when I get home. You have that video
P: alright. I have to get back to work anyway.

I find it quite amazing P would answer my phonecalls now but when we were together he ignored it. Often. I know P is still the same because 2 nights ago he sent me a text stating "this song made me somewhat think of you, john legend's everybody knows"

Now. I never responded. It would've been a nice gesture. However, P still has to keep somethng for him self. He still is a selfish fucking incloset homosexual bastard. With no human feelings.
How the fuck can you SOMEWHAT think of a person!?!
Either you thought about them or you didn't!

I sent Freshguy off this afternoon. We were supposed to get indian food for our lunch date. I changed my mind. I never texted him like he asked. And I am shocked he hadn't texted me ALL day! Now I wish I didn't send him off.

I had an aim chat with a fellow blogger buddy, Unbreakable, and he asked me "if I wanted to enjoy the dating life or do I want a relationship?"

Why did I almost pass out?

That question is terrible. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I really don't know what I want!

I sat waiting for my train to Chicago, I couldn't breath. I couldn't pay attention to my novel. I couldn't do anything. My eyes hurt. My ears popped. My palms were wet.

I felt like I was drowning.

I didn't want to see P. I didn't really care about that video. He can keep my amateur porn. Who cares?
Is this my excuse to see him? To reconcile? Why am I so anxious? I won't contact him. I don't want to be with him. He hurt me. I can't forgive that. I can't forget that pain.

I acted out scenes of how I was going to keep the conversation curt and take the video, turn around and walk away.

I imagined how my hair and clothes and everything will be perfect. How he will look at me with loving eyes. I will be cold and heartless. Leaving him in pain. Regretting how he treated me.

Fuck P.

I was so nervous I started to hyperventilate. I felt so alone. Like no man wanted me. I will never have anybody. All the boys come and disappear at the SAME time. All that's left is P. And he is like not having anyone at all. I kept looking at my phone. Kept looking.

No one. No one called. No one texted. No one to boost my confidence.

P is in control once again. I got up to dry my face. The water is everywhere! I am surrounding by all this hot water. I still love him, don't I?

I sat back in my seat. Preparing myself to cry. Fighting, trying to breath. Trying not to be succombed by the water. Wondering why I put myself in these situations. Wondering why I have yet to find a guy. Wondering why I am not cut out for this "dating" scene because when the guys disappear...youre fucking lonely.

No wonder why I haven't been single since the 6th grade!

I stop looking at my book. I wince at the thought of being single. I wince at the thought of being in a relationship.

I just say forget it all.

I stop fighting. I let the water rise up. Rise up to my chin. Pass my nose. To my eyelids, To my forehead......

Freshguy: Hey baby. How was ur day?

Blow the Whistle.

2009-03-02T19:42:00.008-06:00

my roommate is a fucking psychopath.

Today she breaks up with her boyfriend and she tells this long drawn out story about how they break up and the arguments leading to the breakup.
I was in my room, on the phone with R when she decides to knock on my door. I open it about a minute later with my hotpink towel wrapped around my body. I am usually naked. So, when she knocks, I have to grab something before I open the door. Now for the story, she is in the dark talking to our other roommate and me at the same time. She claims she does not want to repeat her self. WHich is fine, by all means.

I really dont care. Luckily, its dark as hell and she cant see the indifference written on my face. But I am acting like I do. I am thinking about all the reading and writing I have to do in order to make this research study I did publishable.

She repeats the story. They are up in the club. and he starts to argue with her on the dancefloor in the club. She doesnt do anything wrong from what I am hearing. The story is all about how he is arguing with her and how she was so embarassed. Finally, they break up because she is moving to D.C. and he lives in California. Long Distance can be a bitch like that...
I decide to say "oh man." about the argument in the club incident. "That really sucks, thats not good."

Roommate: Really Akizogn? Really?
Me: yea (bewildered)
Roommate: You are so insensitive!

Now, I am thoroughly confused.

Me:What?
Roommate: You think I wanted it. You think I wanted my boyfriend to argue with me in the middle of the club. You think I liked that. YOu think I asked for my boyfriend to embarass me and make a scene. YOU are so insensitive!

At first, I was thinking she was being sarcastic. and smirked. and probably even laughed a little. Then I realized she was DEAD serious...and proceeded to get angry.

Me: I don't care.
Roommate: What?
Me: I said I DONT CARE! WHATS WRONG WITH ME SAYING THAT! I DIDNT SAY YOU WANTED IT. SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

My voice did not raise that much of an octave in comparison her NATURALLY loud voice. I only did the teenage girl "snake head turn." (My mom usually calls it that) The "What the fuck you gonna do?" head turn in her direction. SHe been getting on my nerve for awhile. And now she has the audacity to TRY (and I stress this) TRY to snap on ME for ABSOLUTELY NO reason. Because her boyfriend breaks up with her I take it. My roommate is a little cooky anyway, with SERIOUS moodswings. So...I dont blame him.

Roommate: Whatever. Im gonna just go out with Alex (her new interest).

(she claims she doesnt want to date an athlete and would hate the attention BUT is still trying to see this guy and even gave me the longest text to tell one of my football player friends, who was playing when he asked her out, that she was "on her grind and not interested. Why did her head swell up as if hella athletes are flocking to her? I wonder)

Me: YOU do that.
Roommate: Whatever. I'll talk to you guys later.

Proof she is crazy.

Me: mmhmm Have fun.

The sound of my voice was that of "you know you cant a real rise outta me and I REALLY hope you dont HAVE fun."
ALL I know is she best not TELL ME SHIT ELSE.

CAN MAY 17th, 2009 TAKE ANY LONGER!?!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I talked to Dreads.

About 4 days ago.

He requests my friendship on facebook and as soon I confirmed. HE CALLS.

The minute I got on the phone he bombards me with the foot-in-mouth disease. I tell him "I am reading." You can tell immediately he likes to hear his own voice. HE ARGUES EVERYTHING! HE CORRECTS ME WHEN I ALREADY CORRECTED MYSELF! Im judging whether I can tolerate it. He would go on random tangents about numbers and colors ETC. Giving "meaning" to everything. For an example, "3 is like 3 clouds in the sky. or 3 siblings that I have. 3 is my favorite number. 3 blah blah"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I say "interesting" to everything he says because I am not listening and I am uninterested. he catches on and I laugh and say repeat. I was enjoying your thoughts on the number 3.

Dreads: I do that sometimes.
Me: what?
Dreads: Go off on random tangents.
Me: Ok. that's fine
(NO its not)
Dreads: Whats your favorite color?
Me: It changes depending on the season. It was green. Now its yellow.
Dreads: Mine is blue. It was red
Me: Eww. Blue. Everybody likes blue. -laughing- That color sucks.
Dreads: NO it doesnt. Its a royal color. Its calm but strong at the same time. It produces a calming effect. It makes you feel good. But you still are protected. You are strong yet nice....blah blah
(I stop listening and decide to end his tangent)
Me: Well, when I think of purple, I think of royalty. NOT BLUE! Blue only reminds me of that Baby Blue for the FUBU Fat Albert Line -laughing- Blue sucks! -laughing more-
Dreads: PURPLE! you got to be kidding me. Purple is not masculine. It is not calming. blah blah
Me: Masculinity does not equal strength sir
Dreads: Fine. We are on that now.
Me: Im strong. I dont need get "balls" to be tough
Dreads: You cant get balls. YOU CAN get um...rotten eggs.
Me: eggs?
Dreads: Since you cant get balls.
(this stupid fuck, the ovaries arent eggs! if thats what he is referring to)
Me: Women have ovaries. They PRODUCE ONE single egg a month.
(I study this for a living)
Dreads: Right. You have rotten eggs. The equivalent to men having balls to be tough.
(I reach that point. I realize he is one of those people who you cant tell them wrong)
Me: What is your 5 year plan? -I say jokingly-
Dreads: Ok, I was waiting for that? I study history. I want to be a lawyer. Live in Virginia.
(Oh no. His plan is almost THE SAME as my crazy ass roommate. This means he is CRAZY like her ass)
Me: Oh wowzer. That is my roommate O's same plan.
Dreads: O is your roommate. The same O.Y. I didnt know that.
Me: You didnt know me.
Dreads: Right

as the conversation leads on. Like my roommate and several other people I can barely converse with, I realize he ARGUES everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Its like being on a debate team. I cant take it. I am biased towards future "wannabe" lawyers. NOT FUTURE LAWYERS. The WANNABES. It was that time for me to release him. Plus I couldnt stand him correcting me AFTER I already said "oops I mean..." ARGHHH

Me: Are you one of those people who think "I have to prove Im a cut out to be a lawyer, so I have to argue everything"? I dont like people like that. They get on my nerves.
Dreads: No. I mean, I like to argue but I dont argue all the time. I have an opinion. Im not one of those people though. I dont argue all the time. When you say one of those people...blah blah
Me: Ok Dreads! You are doing it right now.
Dreads: No Im not. Im just stating facts. I mean you asked me a question. I was just giving a detailed answer. Im not one of those people. Tell me how Im doing it right now...
Me: It is 11:45pm. I am not arguing with you Dreads. I refuse. Catch me in the morning and Ill tear you up.
(I wanted to be a lawyer at one point in my life, from early childhood til I was 19)
Dreads: I doubt you will tear me up. blah blah
Me: (I cut him of, irritated) I was reading.
Dreads: Yea, You were.
Me: I'm gonna go back to that.
Dreads: ok. well. Talk to you later?
Me: mmhmm

Hang up.

If I was deaf. I would definitately call him back.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last night. Freshguy sends me a text wishing me luck for this statistics test. It gets harder. and harder. And I am preparing myself for an even more advanced biostats when I start grad school this fall.

I text him. I bombed it. Maybe?

Sometimes I surprise myself. I have an affinity for stats, secretly.

He texts me "you did well, I bet"
I say LOL, I guess.

It is freezing in Illinois. I walk my little self to work. My feet are frozen and I, not thinking, decide to wear my Ugg loafers rather than some damn boots. But I was freaking cute. My hair was just right, fluffy and soft from being in rollers for 2 days after a good deep condition and wash.

Working hard and hardly working.

I am answering texts all day. Freshguy wants to know what am I doing after work. This boy tends to want to know my every move. I tell him that I am heading to the gym but my freetime is at 3.
Freshguy: You want to go to lunch?
Me: Um I guess

(I am a little weary because he was at my apt complex Friday, CALLING ME, TEXTING ME, LEAVING VOICEMAILS, DRUNK as hell and trying to spend the night. I wouldnt let him in. I am not a jumpoff. He doesnt even remember. This boy parties ALL the damn time. I knew he wouldnt remember)

Freshguy:what? you always making excuses. I hope to see you at Za's restaurant on Green.

(I think to myself, a free fucking Italian meal. Why the hell not?)

Me: I guess. Let me know when you are on your way so I can leave work. Im not too far from there

3:18pm

Freshguy: Im on my way

(I am thoroughly annoyed with him. He is eager to spend the night at my house but not eager to feed a playa. I dont have time for this shit. I dont answer. Im done with this motherfucker. I return to my desk and start typing up reports. When he calls. I press ignore and push my frames up my nose and the hair out my face. He calls again. My co-worker says "Girl! YOU better get you that meal and next time get something more expensive. I chuckle. I log off and grab my outside gear. "Ill tell you how it goes" This is our first OFFICIAL date" I say shaking my head. I been talking to this boy for over a month I think)

Me: Here I come.

At Za's

I walk in. Grab the menu and order a wheat bread, light bleu cheese, buffalo chicken panini with extra spinach. He orders a chicken alfredo. We both get Kiwi Berry Nantucket Nectars juice and sit down upstairs next to a huge window.

A fabulous time!

I laughed. He laughed. He spoke some more French to make me laugh. He wants me to go to Paris with him on May 17th. I say I have other engagements. Then he says what about Hawaii in June for his birthday. I dont answer.

Me: Paris will be amazing. So will Hawaii.
Frashguy: You need to enjoy yourself. You work too hard. You are so dedicated. Take a break, try to relax.

(I cant help but laugh at the way he says "try" and "to." He wanted to know what was so funny and I finally tell him he sounds like PePe' Le Pew! The French accent comes out so heavy when he says T words. I crack up. Literally" He starts to say every T word he can think of. I stop laughing and smile at him.)

Freshguy: You are so pretty.
Me: huh. You threw me off. I was busting up!
Freshguy: I just had to say it.
Me: Thanx. I guess

After we are done acting like "coke heads" (Reason why: He tells me about his former cocaine, acid, heroin addicted roommates...they would wake up and get high and call it a WAKE-N-BAKE. They ALWAYS invited him but he always declined. Also, I like the fact he will act silly with me rather than look at me like I'm crazy.) I grab my stuff and he helps me put on my coat.

Freshguy: Arent your feet cold? You have a tattoo on your foot? I didnt know you had any tattoos
Me: I have 2 tattoos. and YES my feet are freezing but Im headed to the gym so I have an excuse to go home with gymshoes on

He squeezes my shoulders as we walk down the steps. He is one of those people weird things, like when he kissed the back of my knees and my eyelids. I hate to admit it but, I like that stuff.

Out the door, I give him a hug.

Freshguy: You smell good. We are gonna do this again?
Me: Mmmhmm. Thank you for the lovely meal.
Freshguy:Anytime.

I walk off. Headed for the gym. I check my cell phone. P calls me at 4:15 and sends me a text, while I was at lunch with Freshguy.

Will he get a life!?!
********************************************

Just...Come...Back.

2009-02-27T13:27:00.006-06:00

Navyman sends me a picture this morning, 5:14 am. He wants a picture of me too, but I dont know what to send or if I should even send one. Should I?

Well, his picture is not a full face (or a nudie) but it'll do.

Just a sexy chunk of meat.

I decided to share...

I think this candid shot is so cute.

Guys Send Smoke Signals.

2009-02-26T18:26:00.006-06:00

I think guys send out a mass message to each other stating: Hey, Lets ALL contact Akizogn today! See how she likes that!

From EARLY as hell in the morning until the next morning, I have heard from ALMOST EVERY single guy in my life. Even guys I havent heard from in a long time...what are the odds.

1. Navyman- 2 emails
2. Freshguy- 3 calls & 50? texts
3. Weed Head- 2 texts
4. MJB- 2 calls, 4 texts
5. 21 year old Virgin- 1 text
6. Phd Guy-4 texts
7. Perez- 1 text and 1 call
8. Nigerian guy (yea, HE'S BACK)- about 12 texts
9. Dreads (the newest guy in my collection)- 5 texts
and Lastly
10. P! -email

Yes, P got back to me. In the most depressing email ever. I mean it was just terrible. He revealed ALMOST everything such as competing with me and treating me wrong based on his insecurities. A 2 page, single spaced letter. I let R read it and she mocked his poor attempt to "sound" intelligent. Which he does often, which I also think is another competitive move of his. P is going through some tough times. He says he LOVES me and thinks about me daily. How he came to my apartment (which is a 2 hour drive from Chicago) and didnt ring the bell. But of course he was there for a reason and not just for me...but I dont really know. P can be strange like that at times. He is wondering how things would be IF he treated me better.

I was shocked. For a second there, I didnt think he would contact me back. He would play the immature role. He would have 1 last chance to treat me like shit. But NO, he poured his heart out.

And I have yet to respond. And I dont think I will respond. I dont even know what to say. I kinda want to rub it in...like haha you miss me!
The only thing I think about. Strangely. Is parts from Anthony Hamilton's song Charlene. and when I say PARTS, I mean exactly that.

Such as:
"To hard to swallow being alone She needs someone at night that she can hold She must have told me a thousand times before Silent cries I use to ignore God knows I love her Didn't mean to hurt her"

Actually, almost every part EXCEPT the 2nd verse. That boy wouldnt buy me nothing that cost more than 69cents!

I actually had a great day yesterday. The men were coming in flocks. I didnt do a thing at work. I had a great workout. I ate well. It was a good day. I even went out last night.

I didnt want to. But my roommate forced me to the local bar for Bomb Night. I put on my 5in super skinny metal heel, black leather Santana pumps (that my very clingy ex but nice ex bought me, they are sooo sexy), grey cheetah print tight leggings, and a sheer blue tunic. I washed and blow dried my hair real fast to get the curl out. I wanted it to be bone straight. I put on barely any makeup-- I even went out the house without my favorite MAC blush Loverush and NO EYELINER, NO Vera Wang PRINCESS PERFUME and NO FLASK with tequila in it!

I really expected to have a BAD NIGHT.

Its a gamble going out in this town.

I always have to at least look good for destiny though. Even if its minimal makeup and a semi-fabulous outfit. Im still shocked at the perfume though...

I step into the bar. Buy an Ice Bomb. I never had one before. But I know whats in it. AND IT WAS HUGE! Tasted just like Kool-Aid.

Next thing I know Im shaking my ass on everybody that walks past!

Some white guy who just got back from New Orleans' Mardi Gras and really wants me to know and decides to show me what he did and proceeds to do the bler blar blir sound while shaking his head side-to-side to my chest. And I didnt get mad.

I just did it right back to him.

Hell, I was at Mardi Gras last year!

He buys me a shot.

NOW I CAN REALLY FEEL AKIZOGN LEAVING THE BUILDING.

Some guy buys me a shot of Jager Bomb and another guy (I met him in my apt complex) fills it to the brim with Champagne. Jager has an Energy drink in it. Alcohol is a depressant. My body wants to sleep and do the splits AT THE SAME TIME!

Beyonce's song Diva comes on.

CAIRO HAS JUST ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Its a stick up! stick up! I want the bags or the money!

Freshguy is there. He spots me. Comes and hugs me. I push everyone out the way to hug him. Like I like him. Invite him over my place "for fun" I say. He smiles and says "call me as soon as you get home."

DAMMIT CAIRO!

I push up off him. Start strolling around the bar. Rubbing guys. Squeezing ass. Gyrating until I feel he is hard as a rock. Step off him. Attack another.

I'm sure Freshguy has witnessed all of this. Then I see my maybe 6 foot 3in NEW TOY. Dreads.
I reach up to rub his head. Whisper "what are you doing here?" He says "Im always here on Wednesdays, when you ready for a dance, come and get me" Catch myself from saying "I know what Im ready for..." almost inviting him over. I have to keep Cairo at bay!

I rub up against him as I walk away. I havent even talked to this boy yet! Im losing my mind. I find a seat. When I notice Freshguy leaving the bar. I dont give a fuck. I take a break and begin texting people. Next thing I know Im being pushed in my chair. Thinking its an assualt against my sexiness, when I see Dreads trying to act cool while he bumps my foot. His big ass aint slick. I look and wink. And keep texting. Im not dancing with him.

I didnt realize until my drunk ass was home that the 2 guys Im trying to talk to and 1 of them who is already acting like a boyfriend WERE IN THE SAME ROOM, AT THE SAME TIME!

In fact...THEY FUCKING HANG OUT!

They are so different. I wouldnt even expect it (but thats a different story)

Freshguy texts me.
"are you home?"
I text yes and some other stuff my alcoholic ass cant remember
"Cairo was out tonite huh? LOL"
I text "she's still here. you coming?"
He texts "do you want me too?"

No shit!

I ask again. Then he asks again. I dont respond. I get irritated by shit like that. He calls. We talk. I cant remember what we talked about. He says he is on his way. I say ok.

2 minutes later, after a bit of vomit comes up and out my mouth

I call back.

"Lets make it a rain check"

He says, "Ok babe. Imma call you in the morning."

I never thought I'll say this, but Thank god for that vomit. I wouldve made a terrible mistake.

Dammit Cairo!

I should've Just Listened to MY MAMA!

2009-02-24T21:36:00.005-06:00

I tried. I tried. I freaking tried to be nice and he had 1 more opportunity to be a jerk. Writing P may or may not have been a good thing. I let it all off my chest. I let go of all the things he has ever done to piss me off. To treat me wrong. I even asked him how he is doing. And yet he sends me a forwarded message of his friend's invitation for him to come to Africa. And since I have access to his email, his friend didnt invite him. He contacted his friend out of desperation. He wasnt doing shit. He didnt even have the decency to say Thank you, Im fine. Everything is fine. Just a forward of someone's message to him. As if I was supposed to get the hint. I replied with a congratulations as if I didnt care. He didnt even respond with a Thank you. My friend tells me not to be worried about it because he doesnt have much going for him and he is still bitter that you left and moved on with your life (which I included in my email to him). However, I cant help but think "Why is he an asshole?"

I feel I shouldnt have given him the time of day. What made me think he would be more mature as the months went on? All this time he sweated me, and asked for me back. Now he wants to act like he has been playing it cool this whole time. Bullshit. YOU sent me a message about 2 weeks ago. DONT act brand new! I have to realize he is jealous of me. and my success...I guess his reply was the only thing he has going on in his life. As R would say, "Aren't you glad you dodged that bullet?" Being involved with his loser family would not be good. I will be over this by tomorrow. At least I got some sort of response, I guess.

Once an asshole, always an asshole. That statement is basically simplifying a quote read on R's facebook wall. That forwarded message just brought me back to a place where I would wait ALL day for him to text me back. or call me. or answer my phone call. That terrible place. That lonely place. Where I gave him all of me. The best of me. And he spat on it. Lied to it. Choked it.
My mama said in her deep accent, "Leave him alone, He has NO HUMAN FEELINGS!" and further explained how "No matter what you do, he will NEVER appreciate it. He wont care. No emotion. No Happiness. Never feel pleased. No Human Feelings!!"
P cannot see me happy. My smile makes him frown. And he will be like that for the rest of his life. His mind is fucked up from being abused. And I let that get to me. Once again. Trying to be the shoulder. The forgiving and kind one. Once again. Another again.
P will never change.

My new rule. My new motto. Comes from R.

People dont change. They Just become who they really are.

Took Long Enough

2009-02-24T09:46:00.003-06:00

I'm learning to pace myself. After running around for this marathon, I finally learned how to pace myself. And complete the freaking race.

Finally.

On another note:

I emailed Navyman. He emailed me back a couple of hours later.
I miss that sexy motherfucker. GOSH! COME BACK.

I met yet another new guy. And this may not work out. I will be chronicling this soon. Im gonna give it 1 more day.

Couple of more weeks until I see my 1st female crush in Atlanta. I will be chronicling about her soon. P used to sing OFTEN to me "I kissed a girl and I liked it" when I told him of our event.
My 2nd female crush was volleyball player. She was the ultimate "gentleman."

Freshguy is still calling.

and finally,

I emailed P. Today.

Was it a mistake?

Harvesting Weeds

2009-02-17T18:47:00.016-06:00

i had the craziest dream last night.

So, P and I got back together. However, he cheats on me. The dream was so scattered, I cannot remember how and why or anything for that matter. I invite him to my parents' home and he parked his truck in the back of the house. i decide to walk to the back porch and I see him, in the back seat. FUCKING SOME GIRL!!

Im like what!! I didnt even think about where the hell she came from. But I remember its a dream. So I rush out there, snatch the door open and start slapping the shit out of him. But he doesnt budge. I continue to slap. I find rocks. Glass. Everything I possibly can find. Im beating him with it. No blood. No tears. Nothing.

It doesnt phaze him. He doesnt care. But Im bleeding. Im crying. But Im still trying. Trying to hurt him. Trying to get some sort of emotion out of him. Im literrally running around my house and outside. Yelling at him. Still trying to find something to hurt him. All he is doing is looking to the side and then at me. I dont even know what happened to the girl. I assume she is still in the vehicle.

I finally wake up when i see my covers are thrown off my bed and the sheets are strewn. I feel like crying.
I decide to write about this dream. Then analyze it at the end of the day. It is 7am.

Facebook
I wrote my very 1st facebook note and it was the 25 things note. I thoroughly enjoyed this about facebook, it made me laugh. I might post my 25 things on here. Anyway, I tagged P to the note to give him recognition for inspiring me to write journals. Which eventually lead to my blog.

Keep in mind, this is the only contact I have EVER done since I last spoke to P, October 9, 2008.

As expected, P contacts me...again. And I fail to say something to him again. This is what he says to me on AIM:

"Am I able to read your blog??"

I dont say a thing. Then he says:

"well anyway I have a book I am writing and it will tell it all I will leave a copy at your home"

First of all, what does he mean by this phrase...TELL IT ALL?
Will he admit to being a homosexual? and that he had a sexual relationship with our mutual gay friend, W, while we were together? That he would fuck him im in the morning, while I was at work and fuck me at night, while he was at work?

I hope so.

I need to know.

So, I really wanted to say something to him. But I couldnt. I couldnt get myself to type back. It was so hard. I stared at the message for hours. Im still staring at it. Wondering if I should call him. IF I should talk to him. See how he is. What he has been up to. I cant let down all the people who gave me advice never to speak to him again. OR myself, to never be hurt again. I know Im still vulnerable. I know I still love him.

It may not be as strong as it was prior to coming into reality of the SHIT he put me through. How he never cared. How he never revealed who he really was. How I tortured myself (by allowing him to torture me) just for him to love me.

And it never worked.

I let him go. And he needs to stay away. He leaves me voicemails stating that he was there and that he will always be there. But he really wasnt. I thought about it until I fell deep and fast asleep (ignoring Freshguy's texts and phonecalls at the same time)

It is 3:20pm
At the end of the day, I figured out the meaning of that dream.

Many moons ago, when P and I began talking, I suggested to P that we should get tested before we have sex. We do. Couple of days later I show him my results but he doesnt show me his. I assured him, although I am on birthcontrol we are not going to have sex without a condom. I knew that within 3 months which should test for HIV again, just incase we had a new partner other than the ones we knew about. (P and I were both in relationships with people in Chicago when we started having sex. We both broke up with our current partners after a month of infidelity.)

P says "ok. but I still dont want to." I was ok with that, until I just couldnt take it anymore.

However, P tells me that the lab tests came back and it stated he had too many white blood cells.

So I scream.

I tell him, your body is fighting off some sort of infection. He doesnt want to admit to that. He just says, "I have to go back for more tests. They are not sure"

I get off the phone with him. I call my sister. I cant catch my breath.

"Youre a doctor right? what the hell does it mean when someone has too many white blood cells?"
She says, "it could mean anything. allergies. a fever. trying to fight an infection..."
I say, "HIV!!!"
She says, "ok, ok...what happened?" I explain. She calms me down, stating that I need more information before I go off the deep end.

Weeks later. P shows me his results and he is fine. And we begin to have sexual bliss. However, I study health. I know drugs. I walk past this piece of paper in his room everyday. I finally pick it up. I find its a prescription. A couple of months old. I think hard.
"where the hell do I know this from?" "where the HELL have I seen this name before?"

CHLAMYDIA!

I try to calm myself down. I cant. Its an antibiotic, it can be used for anything. I tell myself this repeatedly. Fuck that! I make an appointment. They ask me to come in immediately because I have been exposed. This motherfucker!

I confront him. In a nice way.

Me: P, when did you have chlamydia?"
P: Huh? what are you talking about?
Me: I found a prescription for azithromycin in your room.
(he is silent. Thinking of a lie)
P: so. What does that mean? You remember when they said I was allergic to something. Remember when I couldnt breathe.
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP! IM NOT DUMB. MOTHERFUCKER YOU HAD CHLAMYDIA
P: (getting loud. Not realizing what he is saying) I TOLD YOU. WHEN TIFF GAVE IT TO ME ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO WHEN SHE WAS RAPED. ANYWAY THEY GAVE ME A POWDER. THOSE ARE PILLS
Me: P, YOU THINK IM STUPID. THERE ARE DIFFERENT MEDICINES FOR CHLAMYDIA! (I go get the prescription and begin to push it in his face) Does this say 2 years ago?

(P has a face of disbelief. You can tell he is thinking "how the hell did she know?" He starts to cry)

P: I dont know how I got it again. I didnt even know I had it. (sobbing harder)
Me: (I'm a sucker for him...) What happened?
P: It couldve been anyone. Gina (older woman with 4 kids. Worked at his job, mainly gave him head). Tisha (Also worked at his job) and I was still sleeping with Amanda (his most recent ex, who also worked at his job). And I don't know if I slept with Domonique or not (his "best friend",who texted him more than I did). We went out, got real drunk and I woke up the next morning and we were both naked in the back seat of my car. But I don't think we had sex though. (still sobbing).

Strangely, I pictured him in my dream having sex with some woman in the back seat of his car. And I realize that was just a piece of what he did to hurt me. And how I CANNOT make him change. No matter if we were to even speak again, he would still be this lying, deceitful, emotionless (unless he is trying to get out of a sticky situation), cold and calculated person.

I believe my dream was a sign. A sign for me to realize, Akizogn--you got to let him go. You got to leave him alone. You are the fool. Shame on you. You are the one going to cry...again.

No matter how many times I beat him. I was the one who the felt the blow.
******************************************************

I went to my lab this morning, thinking if I should release Freshguy. I think the fact that he said "Goodnight, Baby" around a million times...expecting me to say it back. Irritated the shit out of me.

Fool. We havent even went out yet. Im not calling you baby!
Im irritated! I think I'm irritated because Freshguy is not an AMAZING suitor. He is not what I feel is good enough to replace...actually NOT replace. He is not good enough to FULFILL my needs. The guy I am waiting for. Im tired of giving second-hand people the time of day.

I'm taking this single thing ALL the way, baby!

I think Im done with Freshguy. I hope Im done with Freshguy.

Depression took over me. A little.
2 more months in this god forsaken place! I cannot wait to move. I cannot wait to start this new life. With new men. In a new city! New New New.
I decided not to think about men for a little bit. I was completely exhausted because of my dream about P and how Freshguy irritates me.

I start looking for cases for my macbook.
"All these damn scratches" I say as I pull her out of her shiny gold laptop bag. I pop it open and Entourage alerts me of my new email.
I click and low and behold, its

NAVYMAN!

I almost leap from my lab bench! As soon as I stop thinking about 1 guy, another pops up.
Men in my life are like wildflowers. Actually, like weeds!!

That sexy ass man is back! Im thinking of the lingerie I need to buy...a teddy, a garter belt, fuck that...A TRENCH COAT! I havent even read the message yet...

I click the message, excited:

"I finally got some internet. I broke my phone charger, so email me. I wont be back for awhile. I really miss chatting with you."

Shit!

No message of coming back anytime soon. Damn Deployment! Ill be pissed and... cheating if I were a military wife.

These weeds really suck.

But...
Im so excited. My NavyMan is back.

Im not gonna email him for another 2 days though...

Love...Sick.

2009-02-15T15:50:00.014-06:00

ok, so I disappeared for a little bit. I needed time. My friend suggests I report my incident to authorities. I had to think about it. I'm deciding against it. I don't know why. Maybe because I know the process of reporting an incident of that nature, and don't want to go through that again.

But Im back now and have to catch up reading and commenting on the blogs that I love so much and writing about certain NEW events in my life!

*****************************************************************

Freshguy is confusing me. He actually isnt doing anything but calling me and trying to go out with me. I keep calling it off though. And I am confused. I confirmed (to myself) that he just wants to sleep with me, so I will leave him alone.

But now I think he likes me.

Alot.

I dont know? Im a little weary of this guy. I dont know if I should be or not, but Im gonna be very careful in dealing with him.

We are supposed to go out today. He called me saying he will make Valentines Day up to me since he had to leave to Indiana. WHile he is in Indiana, he keeps calling and texting. Im like..WHY?

I talk to him. Then I get off the phone. He texts me goodnight and good morning. And if I dont answer (which is really my intention, I dont want to answer)...he calls. It is freaking me out, man!!

I talked to him last night. I really didnt want to. I feel sick to my stomach. It is so strange how a guy will like me, but I feel so sick about it. Literally. Im gonna vomit right now. Typing this makes me feel sick.

As far as us going out tonight...

I might call this one off too.

A "Date" with My Boss.

2009-02-10T23:02:00.003-06:00

I put on the most masculine shirt in my closet.

"Lumber Jack Chic!" I told myself

As I curled my hair and eyelashes. I suddenly grew very nervous and texted my friend, R.

"I think its a date! Im nervous" I said.

"It seems like it. If youre nervous dont go"

"He already said he is on his way"

"well Imma give him the benefit of the doubt"

"yea, its just congratulating me for my acceptance into grad schools, thats all"

She didnt respond after that.

I started to sweat. Why am I so freaking nervous? Its not a date. It a celebration. Like what my father would do. He is just as old as my parents. Why am I nervous like its a first date?

I called my boss at 11am. He claimed to get me early but calls back rescheduling the congratulatory to 7pm.

7pm.

Ring Ring

Me: Hello

Boss: Im around your house. Come outside right now!

My boss likes to show faux aggression towards me. He does it for laughs because I don't respond well to authority. I come outside. I get to the car. I sit in the car. I want to get out the car. Its too late. He drives off.

When I worked with my boss, he would joke around with me..alot. Yelling at me as if he were my father. Calling me a trouble maker. I thought it was funny. Im usually the type to fuck with you, if you attempt to fuck with me. For example,

After a meeting, he would tell me to close his "damn door" I would leave it open

He would instruct me not to eat before the meeting, I would go buy Subway...shit like that.

Why am I so afraid to celebrate my acceptances with him? I heard he always takes his former employees out for pizza etc. Why did this seem so strange?

My friend D would say for 2 years now,

"Dr. O wants to fuck you!"

I would respond, jokingly. "Alot of people want to fuck me. Look at me, I want to fuck me!"

"Im serious, hes a nasty ass old man. They are all the same." she would retort.

I would think about what she says and still be skeptical on whether his actions when I was working at the health center was sexual harassment. "He is the director of the center. He has loads of money. Im pretty sure he is married with children." I would constantly tell myself this. Noticing he never wore a ring. There were no pictures of children on his desk. No mentioning of a wife and he would do random shit:

1. Always commenting about my tattoos and how he would find something to take it off. I have two. A really big fairy on my back but he only could see her wings peeking out my shirt. And STRANGELY always noticed them. But he noticed the tattoo on my foot alot. He always wanted me to show him my foot. Sometimes more than once in a day.

2. I would try to just drop off my work for the day and leave. He would yell at me if I didnt come in to say hi and get even more mad if I didnt shut the door behind me when I came in.

3. Then creepy shit would happen, like he would pull out of his desk to face me in his chair. He would pick my seat. I would sit and talk to him but I couldnt help but notice the bulge in his suit pants, which makes it even easier to see.

4. Also he would spray on tons of cologne. I would practically fall out when I step in.

My friend D always stated how he would have his shirt unbuttoned. And it was disgusting.

"Man! He is doing that for you, G!" she says. Once again I would joke. "Ugh. Taco meat. I like chest hair but not taco meat!"

I honestly thought. Maybe he is just the eccentric type. He doesn't want me. I could be his daughter. No way.

Dr. O: when I first saw you at the reception at the Hilton (I did a presentation about HPV and college women at the Hilton 2 years ago!), I thought you were a nice Nigerian woman.

Me: Yea (Im watching the road, controlling what I say)

Dr. O: Im gonna show you a place that is gonna scare you

now that's just random

Me: You DONT have too

Dr. O: When you tell me I shouldn't, it makes me want to do it

Me: -nervous giggle-

My boss continues to talk. Im not listening for I am making sure my buttons on my shirt remained buttoned and wondering where this man is taking me.

Dr.O: You are so used to your comfy apt. I bet you dont ever venture out

Me: I dont see the purpose. I dont plan on living here forever

Dr.O: Oh really (he always says that in response to what I say)

Next thing I know, I am in the middle of a winding road (think Texas Chainsaw Massacre!) It is dark and all you see is the car's headlights. I cannot believe this trip is already action packed after 5 minutes in the car. Opossums are everywhere and there are cemeteries on each side of me.

Damnit! What did I do to deserve this!

My boss is laughing hysterically. I am just hysterical. He starts to speed down the winding narrow road. I close my eyes and say to myself. "Damn, Im gonna die. This is terrible way to die"

Dr.O: Ok Ok, scary cat. Imma gonna get out.

phew

Me: ...sigh of relief. Thats not even funny.

Dr.O: It is to me How long have you been driving?-laughing-

Me: about 6 years. -I realize later on he uses this to guess my age-

I finally calm down and actually start talking to him again. He is saying "he drove from one part of the city to the next just to pick me up." I laugh and say "he didnt have to do it." I am still nervous. I look around and notice the area is looking less busy and more residential.

Me: Um

Dr.O is now fumbling for something. Im gonna die...again. As we enter a neighborhood. I am absolutely clueless to where I am at. I think "he better not pull out a garage key"

He pulls out a garage key.

Dr.O: Im gonna cook you dinner -opening the garage and pulling into it-

Me: You don't have to. (Im literally shaking now)

He gets out the car. Locks the garage.

Dr.O: Get out the car!

Me:Um

Dr.O: Get out! Im not gonna leave you here

Me: Ok, Im getting out. -oh god oh god oh god-

I step into his kitchen. Catatonic. Its gonna be my word against his. Law and Order:SVU shit. Dumb ass questions like "why did you go to his house?" Just forget the victim!

Dr.O: Go to the living room have a seat. Im making you dinner.

He still manages to be my boss, even in his house.

I go sit in the living room.

Dr. O: AKIZOGN, come back to the kitchen!!

Me: yes (while shaking and barely looking at him)

Dr.O: What do you want to eat?

Me: Nothing, Im fine

Dr.O: Whatever. I bought chinese food. Get that.

I grab a plate. I barely fill it with food.

Dr.O: EAT AKIZOGN!

I start filling more up on my plate. Im fucking weak as hell. I never let people get to me like this. Whats wrong with me? I want to go home. But it wont come out my mouth. Why?

I have a seat in the dining area. Thats when he says,

Dr.O: You better not eat yet! I want to watch your mouth. I want to see you eat.

I start to eat fast as hell before he came to the table. I didnt want him to see me. He comes to the table. I get up. He gets up. I grab a cup. He grabs a cup. I fill it with water,

Dr.O: Water!?! You want water?

Me: I'm training for a marathon. I have to drink water.

Dr.O: So you're disciplined huh?

Me: Well, thats what my dietitian told me to do

Dr.O: Why don't you go over there and see if you want something over there. (pointing to an area behind the kitchen wall)

I walk over to the area, preparing to see soda. Instead I'm greeted by a vast selection of wines, tequilas, vodkas and champagne.

Damnit! He DOES want to fuck me!

Me: Oh, um. Yea. Alcohol makes my head hurt.

Dr.O: No it doesn't!-pouring himself a HUGE glass of wine-

Me: Yes it does!

Dr.O: Im gonna pour you some. I hate drinking alone. -grabbing another HUGE glass-

Pushing the glass away. He sits in front of me. Makes an angry face and pushes it back. Now we are playing a game of who can push the glass the hardest.

Me: I really don't want any.

Dr.O: Fine! let me see if I have baby food!

He comes back with a wine cooler.

Me: Those things are too sweet. I don't like them

Dr.O: Thats why i told you to get some wine

Me: Water is fine. Thank you

He begins to eat. He is also licking his fingers and looking at me. I turn my head. I feel sick to my stomach. This ugly ass. Nasty ass Man! He finishes and says,

Dr.O: Take my plate! I want to see if you are "nice"

Me: Im not domestic

Dr.O: I knew you weren't!

He Grabs the plates and puts them in the sink. I think to myself, "I can regain my strength back."

I start talking about grad school.

Me: Yea, alot of schools want me. Im gonna be something like Obama if I get into Harvard.

Dr.O: All this time I thought you were lazy. But you fooled me. You are assertive. But not aggressive

Me: -uh oh- Oh I can be aggressive. I can get a little crazy. I can get very crazy

Dr.O: No. I dont think so.

Me: Well, I know what I am. -he obviously wants his position back, Im not gonna let him change the subject-

Spoke to soon

Dr.O: Who do you look like? your mother or your father?

Me: -shit- my father, Dr.O.

I say this on purpose, I want to remind him of my father/male figure in my life and how I dont see him as a lover, but my boss. I call him Dr.O throughout the whole conversation. He likes to stare at me intensely. I look around the room.

Dr.O: You have profound eyes. You better stop rolling them! I will take them out.

I dont know what to say. I yawn. and continue the grad talk. He offers me more wine. Now he is on his second HUGE glass of wine. I see he is trying to get drunk. I REFUSE to spend the night on the basis of him being too drunk to take me. I make it my duty to go home tonight.

Dr.O: Just have 1 drink

Me: Its too late, Dr. O. I have to remain on schedule. I workout tomorrow, don't want to feel sick.

Dr.O: where do you work out?

I tell him the gym.

Dr.O: I used to work out there. I should go back. I would love to see you run.

Me: You don't want to see that, Dr. O. -nervous-

Dr.O: Im gonna see if i know someone there that can videotape you running.

Me: Um -that was weird, I yawn some more-

Dr.O: Is it your bedtime?

Me: -yes! nows my chance!- Can you take me home, Dr.O?

ignores it

Dr.O: Are you the type of woman that gets mad when men watch sports

Me: -he is not gonna get a wife out of me- YES! I hate sports!

Dr.O: Oh man. Why?

Me: Im tired

Dr.O: What does your parents do?

I tell him. I go on to tell him my sisters and brothers occupations as well. While maintaining my steady yawn.

Dr.O: Fine! The baby is ready to go home

He puts on his socks and shoes. I put on my jacket and stand near the door. We get into the car and he asks about Valentines day while on the road.

Dr.O: Im gonna be your Valentine

I look out the window. He tries to clean up what he said but it didnt go over very well. Next thing I know Im at my safe haven...and never been happier.

Me: Thank you, Dr.O. -right hand out ready for a hand shake-

Dr.O: I dont shake women's hand. Give me a hug.

He reaches for me and we hug. I pull away he pulls forward. Finally, we let go.

Dr.O: Call me whenever you need to talk or anything like that. You have earned my respect.

Me: Um. ok.

I stepped out the car. Confused. Sick. Shocked.

I call R.

That Person You Met was Cairo...

2009-02-07T12:18:00.009-06:00

Top 5 Things I don't like about Freshguy:

5. He doesn't enunciate

4. He seems rude

3. He is homophobic (I go from a closet homosexual to a homophobe, story of my life)

2. He seems sneaky

1. He sneezed on my gold satin pillow!!!

Last night, Freshguy comes over. He has on brown. a nice striped sweater, motorcycle jacket, True Religion jeans with brown leather swoops on the back pockets, and some pricey brown shoes. I'm not too into this look but he does look nice. and smells nice too. I dont like brown on brown people! Anyway,

As usual, I get REAL HIGH and then I get REAL LOW when it comes to men.

I wanted him to leave.

It was 1am and he seemed a bit drunk. TURN OFF. and he wanted to touch me.

DONT TOUCH ME!

In the beginning, I seemed to like him. Now that I was with him alone, I didnt even want to be next to him. I have a problem with that. He wanted to rub my arms and hands and feet. I was about to hurl. I insisted on watching Brokeback Mountain. He says "fine. I dont have a fucking choice."

TURN OFF! I told him the cursing was not called for and since he has a foul mouth it is best we watch it. We watched the first 5 minutes and put on Terminator 2. So, now Im far as hell away from him, trying to keep conversation but falling asleep. He is very drunk, I realize. And he is falling asleep too. Now here comes the bullshit:

Freshguy: I cant believe a beautiful woman like yourself is single
Me: I never told you I was single
Freshguy: You didnt?
Me: NO
Freshguy: I assumed you were since you were talking to me
Me: I never said i was talking to you

Freshguy: Are you single?
Me: Yep
Freshguy: I cant believe it.
Me: Me toooo!
Freshguy: When was your last relationship?
Me: About 3 or 4 months ago

Freshguy: Thats recent
Me: I know, never been single before. Trying this bachelorette thing out. When was yours?
Freshguy: Sophomore year...of High school.
Me: Damn! you got the bachelor thing down quite flat.
Freshguy: I guess so, I want to change that. I'm tired of talking to lots of girls at the same time. (<--I cant believe he said that) Im looking for that special girl to start a relationship with.

..sensing extreme bullshit, I say

Me: I hope you find her.
Freshguy: hmm, I hope so too. -giving me a weird ass look-
Me: I love being single, Im going on a date tomorrow. Living it up! (My former boss is taking me out, nothing special...I hope ewww)
Freshguy: With who?
Me: Dang! in my business,huh! My boss!
Freshguy: You must be something special to be having your boss take you out
Me: I do what I can.

He's Coming closer to me...Ahhh!

Freshguy: You not gonna give me a kiss on the cheek at least
Me: Did you watch Brokeback Mountain?
Freshguy: No
Me: Damn, there goes your kiss on the cheek...
Freshguy: Come on, just one kiss

You better get away from me mother fucker!

Me: um no
Freshguy: fine (he lays down and has the nerve to say...)
Freshguy: I thought you were a bit more open than that, you seem preppy.
Me: Oh, I see what is wrong here. You are confusing me with someone else. That person you met was Cairo
Freshguy: huh, who is Cairo?

Me: Thats my alter-ego. She only comes out in the clubs when I have more than enough Patron. She likes EVERYBODY in the club! You can call her and see if she answers...

(he uses his hand as a phone)

Me: Ring Ring RING RING. Hey baby! you have reached Cairo, I'm unable to answer my phone right now and I DON'T take messages. Beep

Freshguy: She didnt answer. -laughing-
Me: Until next time...
Freshguy: You're so cute
Me: sigh...I know
Freshguy: Actually, I met you at Urban Outfitters

(me remembering that we did meet SEVERAL TIMES in one of my favorite clothing stores and eventually exchanged numbers at the club, thanx to Cairo)

Me: Oh yes we did.
Freshguy: Lay down

(I lay down and start drifting off)

Freshguy: Im surprised you are still up, pretty girls go to bed early and barely go out.

(enough with the compliments, douche nozzle!)

Freshguy: Why do you have so many damn pillows? (throwing pillows on the floor)
Me: They're pretty. and comfy too. Don't hate on them.

This dude is trying his best to rub me, touch me. I keep slapping his hand away. Then he sneezes on my satin pillow! I use satin pillows to protect my hair, the nerve of him. Note to self: wash pillows.

Freshguy: Ask me some questions.
Me: When are you leaving?
Freshguy: damn, you kicking me out.
Me: If you put it that way...yes i am
Freshguy: Tomorrow

(SHIT)

Me: Well fine. (gritting my teeth)
Freshguy: We still on for dinner on Sunday?
Me: um, no. We can do brunch. I have dinner reservations for my friend's birthday (I'm actually telling the truth)

Freshguy: You blowing me off!
Me: ...kind of. But I said we can go to brunch. I know a nice place downtown called Jim Gould's that has a breakfast buffet

(this place is pricey as hell, but I'm not telling him that!)

Freshguy: I dont know if I can do that anymore. Plus it don't seem like you like me.

(Damn! am I that transparent?)

Me: Thats fine. We dont have to do anything. By the way, how did you spell my name in your phone?
Freshguy: You're gonna get mad.
Me: Nope, tell me. Nobody knows how to spell my name (Plus I notice he NEVER says my name)
Freshguy: (Taking his phone out) Um. Ok. I asked but I don't understand what Dom and Mab said your name was. You're gonna get mad...

Me: (I snatch his phone) URBAN OUTFITTERS! MY NAME IS NOT URBAN OUTFITTERS!

Freshguy: I know. I couldnt pronounce it or spell it. Im sorry.
Me: What the hell ever! I cant believe this (actually I can, I never gave him my name and nobody every gets my name right)

I give him my name and he asks me why I cut my hair. And tries to touch it! (I hate when people touch my hair.)

Then the conversation trails off. Maybe because I stopped listening. Im a little irritated because I feel he doesnt want to go out with me since I won't sleep with him. and he doesnt even know my name and wants to sleep with me!! He came to my house with $300 jeans on and didnt bring me a bear, a candybar, not even a tulip from someone's yard and has the nerve to try to get some! I am completely done at this point. I fall asleep. He does too.

Morning

I wake up at 7am. My usual time. Brush my teeth, wash my face, comb my hair. I walk into my bedroom and see his ass sleep on my pillows! I grow irritated. But play cool. I lay back down. And he starts massaging my back and kissing my neck. I want to slap him!

Now he is kissing everything...from the top of my eyelids, to my shoulder, to the back of my knees!

"uh oh" I say to myself. "its turning me on! I like those type of weird kisses"

(Shit Cairo! go back home!)

Me: Stop that!
Freshguy: arghhh
Me: Motherfucker
Freshguy: Its like that?

Noticing the wetness in between my legs, I say...

Me: HELL YES its like that! Turn the hell around and go to sleep.

(he doesnt seem to take me seriously)

Freshguy: -insert french word here--insert french word there--insert french word everywhere-

OMG!

Me: Are you speaking french?
Freshguy: Its my native language.
Me: Damn that sounded real good, do it again! (I'm actually serious)

Now he is all in my ear, speaking all this french shit.

Me: Ok, thats enough. (getting a little too turned on here...)

(I started getting flashbacks of this Jamaican guy I crept with while in Detroit and the Patwa he would speak before he ate me...I need to call him.)

But this was a bit better...

Me: Tell me what you said.
Freshguy: How come you dont speak french?
Me: Thats not native in my family. I speak a little German though. Sounds a bit rough, not sexy at all.

Freshguy: -laughing very hard-
Me: Man, why are you a hater? -laughing-
Freshguy: You are so beautiful.

Me: I assume thats what you said in french
Freshguy: Yes
Me: I'll take your word for it

We talk for a little bit. He randomly claims he is not playing games. I dont care if he is or isn't, Im not talking to his french ass anymore...at least I dont think so. And I offer to take him home since he didnt drive, He was too drunk to do so.

We get into my car and I drop him off. He kisses my cheek and tells me to text him. I said "I guess" and drove off.

While on the road, I call my boss and he says he will pick me up after 6pm. I should be a bit worried. But I'm not.

This guy is older than my mom!...and HIGHLY unattractive.

Ill give an update of my date with my boss at a later date.

Bad dates and terrible times with new guys make me want to call P.

W!H!Y!

The Curse of P

2009-02-06T10:44:00.014-06:00

I'm in the shower, getting ready for my visit from Freshguy.

He texted me asking me what am I doing tonight and I say nothing since I cant find somewhere to go. Small towns suck ass.

He says the same, but he might go to Fubar and I should come. I let him know I will never go there ever again and I state my reasons why. He said I should go downtown or let him come over to watch a movie. I laugh about how sneaky he thinks he is. I said sure but my apartment is a mess and I ask can he "handle it?" He says, and i quote directly from my cell phone, "As long as ur there that's all that's important. Ur place being messy is really none of my concern. So I guess yes I can handle that."

Damn its that serious I thought. I tell myself yea right, and start cleaning. He says that now until he has a thong attached to his shoe. I say give me an hour. Which really meant 2.

I cleaned and scrubbed while laughing on the phone with my baby sisters. Those girls are crazy! I finally text him back if he is still coming or is he going out.

He Calls Me!

What! I answer and prepare to strain my ears. He says "I have to make a run to my friend's house, Dom (our mutual friend) is dragging me over there. But Im still coming. I wanna spend time with you."

I feel weird as hell and said "go ahead take your time, im free" I didnt finish cleaning or fixing my self up so it worked out. He calls again. We have a mini talk and he basically lets me know he arrived and will be calling me back when he is on his way. Once again I tell him take his time.

I jump out of my clothes and into the shower. While scrubbing away the nervousness, I contemplate on being a good girl or a bad girl. I finally settled on being a bad girl and reached for my pink and orange Venus. As I am pulling her out of her stand, located by the shower head, she slips hits the wall, falls smack dab on the tub floor and her razor piece goes down the drain!

AHHHHH! WTF!! @@$!&^%$@

Every curse word came out my mouth...

I couldnt believe it. That was my last razor head, they only come in a pack of four. I searched high and low for another razor head in the nude, water and soap all over the bath room. To no avail.
I turn off the shower and reach for my big white towel, pissed off. Then randomly, trying to dry my face, I scratch the HELL out of my nose. WTF! @@&!#*@#

Now I have this huge circular mark on the front of my nose. Damn these nails! "Ok, thats fine," I say. He will still think im cute. Even though I hate having marks on my face, i can deal. Ill just dab some alcohol on it.

Burns like hell! And turns pink!

This is some bullshit. Im panicking now. I grab the Mac concealer. Didnt conceal a damn thing. Grab the Mac foundation, try to pour a little out...instead alot gets to gushing out all over my sink! This is my new bottle! like $20! and I have to go all the way to Chicago to get another one or order it online. They dont have a Mac store here. Small towns suck ass.

I began cleaning up all the foundation. My white towel is stained with it and looks like someone defecated on it. I put it in the washer. Basically hiding it.

I plug up my extra hot pink flat iron to do my hair. Try on every outfit that doesnt look like i tried hard to dress up. Even though I did. Finally settle on an outfit that looks effortless and shows off some skin.

I put on my makeup. Using very little. I have to look effortless. It is now 12am. I grab the front end of the flat iron and almost burn myself. WTF!!
I finish up my hair and makeup. I grab the bag of garbage and prepare to take it outside to the dumpster. I reach the door leading to the garbage dumpster when I realize my apartment is a locked building.

Im locked outside! In the cold!

Ahhh! WTF! @@$#%^&

I ring everybody's doorbell. My roommate isn't home. I want to cry. Im annoyed because I dont really like this guy for me to be acting like this...or do i like him? I dont know!

Im pissed.

A random person lets me in. I go upstairs to check on my phone. And I receive a call.

It's P!!!!!

W!H!Y!

I lay on my bed. And think, "its the curse of P!" Thats why all this is happening. He seems to come around every time i contemplate talking to another guy. Its getting really strange how he somehow knows I am moving on.

I go to the kitchen and make a turkey sandwich with colby jack cheese and have a tall glass of chardonnay. I look for a movie. Brokeback Mountain. Thats what we will watch (FreshGuy is homophobic (another story) ill show him). I laugh to myself waiting for his call.

I wake up to Janet's Control. Its 3am!

He is now calling me at 3 am! Hell no! Its not a booty call.

Especially since I'm ill prepared for that...

I answer, I put on my best sleepy yet sexy voice. "are you still up?"
"no" I say. "you dont want me to come over" he says.
"No" I say. "Im sleepy"

Now he seems to be begging. The conversation lasted longer than anticipated. I wanted to say goodnight and he still wants to come over.

"I just got thru, you sure I cant just come over"
"im positive, its too late, Im too tired"...and irritated out my fucking mind!

"well, can I call you tomorrow, I mean unless you want me to come over."

I laugh.

"Call me tomorrow, good night"

He says ok and I hang up.

I dont know what to think about him calling me at 3am. Im hoping he got caught up hanging out with his friends. I dont know.

But what I do know, come this Sunday, He better take me to the most expensive restaurant in this whack town. I feel like seeing someone make my sushi in front of me and having him pay $100 for it.

Calling me at 3am. What he thought this was?

Damn that Curse of P!!!

Straight UP now tell me, Do you really wanna Love Me Forever?

2009-02-05T01:13:00.004-06:00

...or am I caught in a hit-and-run?

I THOUGHT i had the african ear. but i cannot understand a damn thing FreshGuy says. Im glad he is nice. and dresses nice. but I dont understand him.

we went right back to texting.

pathetic.

This man compliments me so much! i kinda love it! However, I dont trust him. I think he is full of games. I think he is having fun. I dont know, he never misses a day to say hello and goodnight. I went from a guy who said he will "only answer texts he feels are important" even if I texted "I love you," I got no response.

to a guy who is quick to respond to dumb texts like "my feet are itching" with something like "those pretty feet itch? wow! lol"

love it!

So we are going out Sunday. I wont shave or get waxed or wear sexy lace panties or no panties. Whenever I do that, I have sex.

Im gonna find the biggest bloomers in my wardrobe!

Damn Brazilian! I was so clean down there (like a baby with a g-string on). I had to fight myself from fucking my NavyMan. I wanted him to see it...sooo bad.

This reminds me of a comedian who said "women know they are gonna have sex with a man before he even gets to the door!"
Its so true to me. Hours before. I will get everything off, front to back. grease up all the chocolate. Spray on something sexy. minimal makeup. sexy tousled hair (which I dont think I can do now that my hair is a short bob). And prepare for lift off!

Hopefully you get lift off.

You never know what you're gonna get.

Im hoping this guy will be my Valentine. I will like roses this year, maybe even a bear.

Instead of like last year, a Facebook wall post of Happy Valentines Day(after 6 months of dating). And he gets Turtles chocolates, Ralph Lauren sweater vest and SEX! ( i actually thought he bought me something, it strangely never appeared...hmm.
P was so evil. I'm glad I left him.

But he keeps coming back!

I dont answer his calls, IMs or texts. He is now texting and calling my brother, my brother didnt say what for but more than likely its for my address. Claiming he got me something. same shit he did on my birthday in December. My brother never gives it to him.

He realizes what he had. Lou Rawls would be perfect right now! Youre gonna miss my loving.

My mama loves that song.

Anyway, I hope this guy remains nice. I will post about the date at a later date.

Also, Kungfu guy returns and I karate chopped his ass away...explain later because
I have to be in my lab at 9am and its almost 2am. I dont feel like driving and paying for parking so I got to get up early.

I Forget to Eat.

2009-01-31T23:41:00.005-06:00

I didn't do anything that I would regret.

Thank goodness.

As my phone rang all day and texts came in, I sat around my apartment with a hangover and a robe.

I ALWAYS wake up hella early. I could go to bed at 5 am and wake up at 9am. I can't help myself. Im just an early bird...I have to get the worm. And usually do.

I prepared my breakfast of oatmeal, scrambled eggs, sausage and toast.

All I eat is the oatmeal.

I set my alarm on my phone to remind me every 3 hours that i have to eat. Im preparing for a marathon and my nutritionist says I MUST eat every 3 hours, 6 meals a day.

According to her and my primary doctor, I am hypoglycemic. "How can you run a marathon if you get frequent dizzy spells?" she says. "So, you have to eat."
My trainer says the same thing. I didn't realize how often I skipped meals. Sometimes for the whole day. I actually like food though and don't mind eating. I just forget...and don't mind forgetting.

One time I was so dizzy, I just went to sleep. I couldn't shake the vertigo.

Eating 6 meals a day is really something. I have never been so full, it feels like Thanksgiving. I cannot let myself get hungry. Then I have to run it all off. Its a cycle I am actually looking forward to. I know I have a problem with food and weight. People might think its rare for a black woman to be worried about her weight, that we prefer to be "thick" (which is unhealthy).

but I care...alot.
I know I have issues with my weight. I used to wear a 00, then 0, then 1, then 3. I stayed on 3 for a while until the end of my 1st year in college.

I was a size 9.

I was depressed. And ate everything during my "Freshman year in college" blues. I have since lost that weight due to a strict work out schedule. Now I'm a 5. I secretly want to be smaller.

Janet Jackson's song Control is playing. I get up to check who is contacting me. Another random number. I text it. "Who is this?"
I have to screen my calls from the ex (P) and all the losers i gave my number to while at the club.

"Hey, its Fresh Guy, from the party"

Im a bit excited about this. I actually wanted to talk to this boy. Everytime Im in Urban Outfitters. He is there. Shopping. Like me!

Im thinking his shy ass just might be a better companion than phd guy. Especially since he lived up to his gender roles. He would stare at me. I would feel awkward. I am good friends with his friend, and would barely pay him any attention. Everytime we meet up at the club, him and his friend (which is my friend) would buy the bar. I never get drunk on my own expense if I see him there. He keeps the drinks coming to me! Funny, he would be drunk and still extremely composed.

So we danced at the club. I wish I remember what we talked about that led up to me giving him my phone number. Blame it on the alcohol!

Now, Im not attracted to him. I notice Im never really attracted to the men i meet except P. The men just grow on me. Especially if they are funny. Im not settling anymore. thats my new rule.

Fresh Guy, dresses really nice. He has alot of money. He is shy and kind of looks like a baby. I think he is innocent. Im kind of into the big, rough, rugged, smell like sweat and grass from football kind of guy. Someone like my NavyMan, who picked me up with one hand and simulated eating me out while carrying me upside down that faithful night in his hotel room
(oh god the horniness has taken over me again!)

Fresh Guy is clean cut. Smells like Jean Paul Gaultier. Not too tall but taller than me kind of guy.

I know i can turn him out.

And i dont want to.

But I might...

Before I gave him my number. We were at a club around 2 weeks ago and he said my "new haircut is sexy."

BOOOOO, GET OFF THE STAGE. BOOOOO. YOU SUCK. (throw a tomato!!!!!!!!!!)

I cant believe he said that to me. We are at the club! Anything goes in the club! I have all my chest out and he said I have a sexy haircut. Are you kidding me?

Do you not see these Double D's!!?!!!

That night was weird. Another guy said he "loved my boots."
not boobs, boots. hmmm, yea. Lets just say it was not a night for me to find a boo.

We text for a couple of hours. WHICH I HATE!

why didnt he just call? so fucking shy!

he asks me questions that a conversation could answer in seconds. i want to talk dammit!

i purposely take forever to text back. maybe he will get the hint...
...nope.

He continues to text.

where are the real men??!! if you want to be my boo, you have to be boisterous and out there. you gotta take charge. but not too much, ill get tired of you and leave you alone.

Anyway,
he asks me if im going out. I say "no, im going to bed(I lied about going to bed)." He puts the LOL and im a grandma for going to bed early. I say "so what." Basically, Im irritated with this bullshit texting.
Then he says he will let me sleep and he will TEXT me tomorrow.

Yes.
He did.

He texted TEXT. aint this about a bitch!

As i sit here drunk bloggin..

2009-01-31T03:10:00.005-06:00

im wondering if i should let frank come over to eat me.

i dont care nothing about him. i actually miss p and rather be with him. Im so drunk and i decided to blog to make myself feel at6 ease.

here is what i had:
2 shots of patron
1 shot of don julio
patron magrita
gin and tonic
and...

my sights were set to get a boo, i got about 5 guys callin my ass tonite
i cant hel being sexy but do i really want too. should i ?

i think i should,
i think i sholdnt

i dont know

i went shopping today and yesterday. I bought ugg loafers worth around 120 dollars, not the boots i HATE the boots!. a 395 dollar purse. Betsey johnson! WHICH I LOVE!

obviously i TRY to live beyond my means...But I work around it.

clothes and all that other good stuff. I have a shopping problem and I LOVE labels. I need to get it together. My CAR battery drained. Teaching me a shopping lesson. I called my friend to take me to the club tonite. i dont think she was happy about that! i feel bad, i will make it up to her.
i just sent her a text..a drunk text making it up to her.

I only think about him while waiting for the next guy. Im so torn. I want to talk to him. My eye makeup hurts my eyes by the end of the night. I feel like a cheap slut since every guy i danced wit knew i didnt have panties on. maybe thats why they think they can fuck me! i feel so tired. and so fed up, ....and so drunk. the party was not good, but when you are drunk, evry thing is good

i mis p. I kno he is terrible for me. but i miss him dearly.
i want to talk to him. to know what he is doing and to do it with him.
i kno he misses me but my roommate says he misses only the sex
which may be true!

i might call frank. have him eat me. and send his ass home/

when im drunk...

im horny

!Harumph!

2009-01-30T20:40:00.003-06:00

...Im going out tonite.
Hope to find a boo...
...Take him home.
Get a nut off...
...Never see him again.
Dont give a damn...

Just be Happy, Dick Head.

2009-01-29T15:45:00.010-06:00

I was mad.

Ok, my last three posts just displayed my anger. Although it did wonders to my mind (no stressing over it, no worries, no irritation) it was not entirely representative of my blog. So, Im going back to what Im used to...sex, drugs (liquor) and rock & roll! ...kind of

I'm back from Chicago and have yet to hear from ph.d guy!

I am a little annoyed that he has not called or texted. Only A little because I dont really like him. I just want a companion for the next 4 months until I move out of Illinois. This stupid town lacks men. I prefer a black man though and there is definitely a lack in quality ones too. But this phd guy is ok. However, I think he either feels he should be "sweated" or he is intimidated. Either way it goes, he should call me. I am the type of girl who lives up to her gender roles.

I wait for the guy to speak. Plan the date. Do the calling. Basically, take initiative. Live up to your gender role, sir!

But, I said fuck it. I will contact him. Which I did, last nite. I listened to what my friend, R said about women having NO CONTROL in her relationship. NO control when it comes to dating, marriage etc. So...
as a control freak, I should be happy to assume the males' gender role.

I sent him a text. "Mr. Ph.d, are you alive?"

after 4 hours this fool finally responds.

"I sure am. How Ya?" (his silly way of showing his southern swag, Im not impressed or care but he thinks I do)

"Damn you Southerner! Im gonna be southern too, i might be moving to Atlanta for emory. Magic City here I come!!" I text.
"Congrats!! Yea u bout to be turned out" (he consistently says the southern guy will turn me out, which I secretly hope)

"Yep, we should celebrate my new southern swag and acceptance to emory." (My poor attempt to go out with this smuck)
"Gladly, finally ull become a southerner"
"You Act Like I WANTED to be a southerner! But this weekend we should go out. My treat" (I almost cringe at the fact I put "MY TREAT," I dont pay for the 1st date! WTF!)

I wait to see how he responds. Worst case scenario, he accepts my offer. Best case scenario, he comes up with an offer i can't refuse...like taking me out and paying.

"Coo Coo u aint ready"

This stupid fucker! I hate it when people put Cool with out the L. Anyway, I cant believe he accepted. This cheap bastard. Im not going anywhere with him. He has just been erased.

"Ok. I'm not ready FOR WHAT? Damn you southerners! Goodnight"

I put on the charm. With an angry face.

I slept on it. Woke up. Put on a movie. Got dressed. Grabbed some granola and my lab coat. Went to my lab. Worked in the lab from 9 to 12pm. Grabbed a coffee. Checked out a book. Came home. Took a nap. Woke up. Ate. Drank.
...and was still pissed!

Why cant this dickhead just be happy!?!

I'm not going anywhere with that cheap skate.

I refuse to pay for ANYTHING for ANYONE that I DONT EVEN LIKE!

I refuse to settle.

I want to be wined and dined.

Treated like a "lady."

I think I like those gender roles.

That ONE educated black man.

2009-01-28T22:42:00.004-06:00

Today I was serenaded by a random guy on my way to work.
According to him, I was pretty, dressed fly (even though I had on a winter coat!!) and chocolate. He asked for my name and with poor attempt at using "game," he tries to get with me by stating he "thought I was someone he knew." I said "not interested" and turned around. He continued to talk, shut himself up and decides to stare at me and sing...and dance. I was mortified and embarrassed.

I had no idea this young black gentleman was schizophrenic until I ignored him EVEN HARDER and he began singing to himself. And acting very strange and staring at me. It was awkward.

1st of all, why did he think he had a chance?

My friend, R's sister described an event where this man, who clearly had nothing going for himself continued to try to talk to her even though she stated she had a master's degree, has a career blah blah. They were not in the same league, but he still persevered. I found the story quite amusing.

maybe because it happens to me...alot.

Another thing that happens to me alot is the "one" educated black man. Everything from social networking sites like facebook, blogger, the streets! I meet, greet or happen to notice that "one" educated black man. Its pretty freaking obvious that there isn't just ONE motherfucking educated black man.

BUT BLACK MEN WHO ARE EDUCATED SEEM TO THINK SO!

My ex and guys I met while in undergrad have this pompous, haughty attitude. Like..."you want me because I'm rare. I can treat you any fucking way i want and you cant do a thing about it, because, guess what, its gonna be hard for you to find another EDUCATED BLACK MAN because I'm THAT ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN!"

educated black men might deny this. which I don't give a fuck. but can they answer me this, why must they constantly display, gloat, say, advertise that THEY are that ONE educated BLACK man?!! such as statuses, titles..."Im educated and not in jail" bull shit

Even my family members state, "Im black. Im a man. Im in school. Im a catch."

And women. Omg! the women. We stoop so fucking low to keep him. We dont even realize it. He can cheat, beat, etc. and we want to keep his ass. His raggedy ass. It doesnt make it any better when women come at a dime a dozen for the ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN. WE need to realize that "hey, I can either find another ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN or suck it up and date inter racially."
AS that educated black woman, we should know better.

The more educated we get. The less men we meet. Ne-yo and Jamie can talk about and sing about Miss Independent. Boosie and Webbie can spell it all day long. BUT, MEN do not want that I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T chick!

Lets be real. "..Not for play play," as my silly friends would say. MEN, ALL MEN feel inadequate when that woman can take care of herself, says she gots it and basically doesnt need your bitch ass. Intimidated, no?

Men have to show his gender role in some form or fashion. That loser guy may have a successful woman who takes care of everything, but he may beat her ass...he has to be a man in some way, right?

Men do not want to feel emasculated. Point Blank Period. They don't want a gold-digger either.

But they sure do keep the gold diggers!

Back to the ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN...
...and lets compare him to the AINT SHIT NIGGA
(the term I NEVER use but hear alot from fed up black women)

Why does the AINT SHIT NIGGA feel they have a chance? And the ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN knows they have a chance?

It makes no sense. They both try. What is going on in their minds? Why when I meet a guy, he must say something like I'm an engineer or I work at WalMart? And my panties are supposed to drop!

2 different fields, same loser guy.

Now that Obama is president, I hope black men who are educated do not feel they are in the same caliber with him.

That would be a sick joke!

On my status today on lame ass Facebook, I talk about how I was serenaded by a crazy guy and how its getting even harder to find Mr. Obama. Lets face it, Alot of women want a guy like Obama. Caring, Kind, Ambitious, Affectionate with you, Appreciates you, Romantic, Takes care of home and children and best of all...MAKES YOU 1sT LADY! and he is SEXY TOO!

I tried to be funny with my status. Im not really looking for an Obama, but if he happens to fall into my lap...Ill take it.
But my bubble burst when this wannabe Huey P. Newton decides to comment on it and...treat me! This is what he say's:

"Yeah right. It aint no Michelles out here. I bet she wasn't all at the club droppin it to some lil wayne when she was yall age. lol I aint gone even go no further with that."

1st of all, dont try to treat me. You will regret every single word, period, quotation you have used. I will burn you up!

Notice this fool uses "...YALL age." This dumb fuck is MY motherfucking age. How the fuck does he know what Michelle did over 2o years ago?
and when does dancing make someone a disreputable person? I'm sure big booty Michelle danced!

Next, this fool while in high school used to be "gangsta" now he throws on a Dashiki and some nasty ass dreads and think he is OBAMA!

you better stop playing!

Alot of fools do that. ALot of foolish black men do that. and I think its a joke. You are nobody special because you read Willie Lynch. You are no damn prophet.

I look at his profile. Preparing to unleash the hounds on his ass. This fool is NOT even in school. He is NOT even the ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN. He calls himself going to places where black people reside and claim to be doing "what's right" for the black community. Singing!...Shit!

Need alot more than that!

He claims to be the new Obama. We dont even have an Old Obama! So, why the fuck do we need a new one!
And the fact that he is not in school makes me laugh even harder. The NEW Obama is NOT educated. That is a fundamental part of being Obama. The man is a Harvard/Ivy League Educated Lawyer! He taught at the University of Chicago, you got to know your shit to teach there!

And he is mad at me. For what? he doesnt know what I do! My eldest sister is a gastroenterologist and she used to shake it to Uncle Luke and 2 live Crew!

I remember VIVIDLY trying to learn the lyrics to Oh Me So Horny with my sister who is a damn doctor! And she still dances to that song! And my old ass detective brother, to this day says "All I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, just shake your rump!"

when does music truly define who you are? You can listen to classical music and grow up in ghettos of Chicago and shoot people for a living.

Lil Wayne is not the 1st and will definitely not be the last to disrespect women in music. Plus, White musicians do it too! Check out tons of videos with scantily clad white women. I hate it when black people (especially self righteous black people) feel that our race are the only ones to feature strippers in a video, degrading themselves...and making money too. Please ask Motley Crue, Poison, Aerosmith, Kiss and these new rock stars if they dont find some strippers to feature in their videos!

Some bullshit!
This fool, dreaded his hair and wears a Martin Luther King shirt and claim to "spit knowledge" without formal education in capitalist America. What makes him think he deserves a Michelle?

I'm closer to being Obama than he is!!

Lets talk about his pictures! and pictures of alot of guys who claim they "know something" and are doing something for the black community:

That picture with a mix of Tupac and Martin Luther King or Malcolm X...has got to be the most ridiculous picture in history. Tupac and MLK and Malcolm X are not even in the same caliber. MLK and Malcolm X died for a cause, for what they truly stood for, went to jail for, got beat up for etc. Tupac, on the other hand, died for an illogical fight.

Dont get me wrong I LOVE Tupac. But listening to his music just shows how disturbed he was. One minute he wants peace the next he says fuck peace! What the hell do you want!?!
Tupac was just well-read and knowledgable, he didnt really do much. i would praise his mother before I praise him.

Especially not the way same MLK and Malcolm X deserved to be praised.

However, Idiots (like my old high school friend) who attempted to treat me feels he is "man of the world" "man for black people" and all that other bullshit!
Are you kidding me?

Just because you take pictures of you praying to a black jesus does not make you Fred Hampton! and especially not obama.

He doesnt even know me, but wants to judge me. He doesnt know anything about my history, what music i like, what i have done. NOTHING! He better know his history before attempting to put me in check.

Im so tired of that ONE EDUCATED BLACK MAN!

They come in all shapes and sizes. I, understand, NOW that even the PRO-BLACK is just as arrogant.

My head hurts. I cant think of anything else. I gotta come back to this subject...

...to be continued.

Its NOT Mature, but We're Females...

2009-01-27T00:32:00.008-06:00

In Kindergarten, I was so excited about my 1st friend. Her name was jessica, I came home dancing...doing the "running man." I would NEVER forget dancing in my living room for having my first friend. I told everybody about my friend. Until, she turned on me practically the next day, telling the teacher and her cousin that I beat her up and picked on her. I was scolded. I was framed. Her 7th grade cousin would threaten me everyday, a 5 year old! Jessica and her new friends would shun me and act elitist. Who knew 5 year olds could be so evil!
I was so tired of my teacher putting me in time out for shit I didnt do (pushing her and messing with her--all bullshit). I told myself (not in these words) "you know what?! since you keep lying on me, Im gonna show you how I would REALLY mess with you!"

Randomly, I threw a basketball at her face and she fell threw the glass double doors in our Kindergarten classroom.

I only remember blood and her teeth coming out.

It shouldnt matter, she was 5...it would grow back.

She never fucked with me again.

My mom (viki robot) proudly admits to beating people up in order to teach them a lesson. My brother is a detective and finds it most amusing when he does a search on our family and see our family members in the system. My mom has tons of arrests for assualt. SHe was crazy when she was younger. Before becoming a nurse and landlord, my mother worked every job imaginable from an assmembly line worker for installing t.v. antennas to i.d checker at the airport. Her favorite job was a security guard at Chicago Housing Authority. My strong tall mother secured housing projects, even the infamous wild Cabrini Green. And she has the war wounds to prove it. Everything from a bullet graze on her forehead to knife fights. She has broken a man's ribs and threw him in the garbage for calling her a bitch..the funny thing is he wasnt even talking to her. She has busted numerous heads and laughs LOUDLY about cracking a part of a woman's face that her eye began to fall out. She ends up seeing the woman again about 15 years later. Came home, Laughing about her eye patch. The woman pressed charges, my mom somehow beat the case. My mother is a sociopath!

My mother loves her machete. Its more than likely an African thing, though. Unfortunately, my sisters and I have inherited her temper. I think 2 of us have it worse than the remaining 5. I'm, sadly, 1 of the 2. I have to admit to fighting people till I see blood. and I have busted A head before, not heads. I used to be a bit on the wild side growing up on the west and southside of chicago. in the terrible chicago public school system. It was survival of the fittest. It still is, I bet. People meet me now and would have never guessed how wild I used to get. I would fight my teachers. Everyone believes Im suburban and innocent. It cracks me up! I never forgot my goals but I wasnt going to let you fuck with me either. I would come home to a fight with my mom if I didnt fight back. Plus she awarded the winners with a Happy Meal...that was something to look forward to.

Girls and Friends.
I never really had them. Girls HATED me. I could never put my finger on it. I used to blame them. Then I thought it was me. Now I think its both. I have a strange sense of humor. I make fun of people. Not alot of insults, more jokes. I hung around 3 brothers and thats all we did ALL day. Talk about each other. So I learned how to talk about people and get laughs.

I talk about people. Its me. I believe I am still a very nice person. I don't like to treat people bad. I feel guilty. And I'm afraid of Karma.

However, since KINDERGARTEN, females have done me so wrong. I have had friends suck my boyfriend's dick, pretend to be my friend and talk behind my back and friends who downright stopped talking to me. I always kept my male friends though. Which boyfriends could not stand and want me to get rid of. "Then I would have NO friends!" I would exclaim to each and EVERY boyfriend or love interest I have had.

It all kind of changed in college though. I met girls and hung out with girls that understood my humor and liked me. But NO, it doesnt mean I escaped the female that goes crazy. 1st year of college, I had a friend from high school stop talking to me because I wasn't "hood" enough and I was a "spoiled brat." Which I overheard her saying and all this time I tried to understand why she was acting so aloof. I said fuck it and moved on. She on the other hand, gained over 50 pounds and could barely stay in college.

Being "Hood" goes a long way.

Then I found a psychopath friend, who slept with a guy she knew I slept with before. She also tried to steal my identity, by even trying to mimic the sound of my voice and going thru my closet for ideas of what to buy. Letting her go was the hardest thing ever. SHe refused to stop contacting me. Stalker. Think the movie Single White Female. Now she talks shit about me ALL the time. Funny. (This story is VERY deep and I might make a special post about it)

I admit to being a bit obnoxious. I like to push buttons. I am a low grade version of my mother. Like a girl, my first year, who was super religious and talked shit about me all the time but smiled in my face. I knew she was full of shit, so everytime she came into my dorm I would put on a porn like SuperHead etc. just to piss her off. I loved pissing this super religious girl off! I would do it now if I could!

Currently, I sit around waiting to leave this forsaken place. Thankfully, R and D are here to ground me and V along with L accept me. And I accept and love all of them.

Tonight, I had to blog to get this shit off my chest. About random stuff that gets on my nerves. I have a friend, we were the same major but she was a year older. Graduates before me. She tells me to apply to Public Health Programs and not Schools of Public Health for grad school. I dont listen and do what I want to do. SOmehow, this girl decides she does not want to talk to me anymore. What!
I am assuming she is jealous because I got into almost all the schools that rejected her.
I tried to contact her. She wont answer my texts or calls. Then, tonight she calls my roommate (who is another story) and has like a 30 minute conversation with her and does not acknowledge me like she used to. It was strange. and funny.

All I could think of is "Bitch, what I do to you?
That small whack town that you are in fits you, I deserve something fabulous...it fits my personality. Since I have a personality, something that you need to gain!"

She shouldnt be mad. It was written. I believe everything that happens is supposed to happen.

Losing her as a friend won't do much harm. I have lost lots of friends. Its nothing. SHe was fake as hell anyway, we never shared that connection that I do with my real friends. My roommate and I have fake a connection too. I stroke her ego. I do it for kicks. It makes me laugh. She has major issues and an attitude problem that my personality cant handle. So, I keep my distance. I know how crazy I can get. I don't trust my roommate since she had the audacity to have a conversation with her and say "none of your business" to me when I clearly heard my name and asked who she was talking to. Those fake whores are bringing the worst out of me. I was trying to hide my insane side, and I think I am doing a good job. I think...

Like I said in previous posts, I'm putting the childishness to the side. Its new. Its what an adult would do. I assume if she was mature, she would talk to me about her problem with me. And I refuse to chase someone. I'm not in love. There is really no need.

Small Town.

2009-01-22T10:11:00.013-06:00

while researching the cognitive developments of iron deficient anemic minority infants in the summer at the University of Michigan, I found a piece of me that hid for years. I would occasionally search for her and at times I would find her but she would disappear again and again. But in Ann Arbor Michigan, I found her. I walked into a vintage store and looked for heirloom items. Something I can deconstruct. Something exclusive. Something strange. Instead, I found her. She stared at me and I desperately tried not to look back. It was so hot. I stepped out the store and slowly walked down the steps to out in the street. "This weird ass small town!" I said.

But I knew who she was. After that, in Michigan, I went through some fun times and times that I was so miserable I couldn't get out the bed. I would call in sick. Stay in bed. Cry. I liked my job as a researcher. I love all things health. I couldnt stand taking care of the infants from Detroit. All the mothers were the stereotype black woman/mother. I played with babies that were developing slower than their white counterparts. This did not come as a shock. Black people usually get the short end of the stick anyway. In health, we are dying from HIV and are more likely to contract the illness. Our babies have low iron which can lead to so many developmental problems. And a host of other shit! On a random thought, Barack's inauguration is ironic. We finally made it to the white house. Yippee. However, there are many blacks that can't even afford their house. We are falling out of middle class. Black people are hit the hardest from the recession. They get 1 lashing, we get 12. Research have shown that black people are more than likely to PURPOSELY receive subprime loans. Black people in middle class black neighborhoods receive more subprime loans than white people in low-income white neighborhoods. Basically, if I wanted to start new, break free from poverty and steretypes and buy a house, the interest rate of my loan would be so high, I wouldnt be able to pay the loan back if I wanted to. If I even had the money to. WHy do they do that to us?

Foreclosure for even the professional. Its like the tango. We take 1 step forward, and 2 steps back. Quite unfair.

Why am I noticing this anyway?

My mother is a landlord. Hot 10 years ago. In the pitts now. My family was "balling" at one point in my life. I shopped every single day. All my older brothers and sisters had cars, brand new cars. My mom had a choice of either driving her truck or her car. and so did my father. My mom invested. and owned a good portion of Chicago. My sister handled her finances. Then randomly, my mother loses it (her mind). My sister moves out. A cause of my mother losing it. My mother can't handle people leaving her. She can't let things go. All my older brothers and sisters were moving out. My mother goes into a whirlwind. Invests in something poor and not worth it. Has my idiotic, super shopper, bad credit father handle her finances. Bam. Poverty. Kind of.

I cant handle it either. I want to shop. I want a new car. I want to live that life that I was trying to get accustomed to. It wont come back. It may never come back.

I woke up every day. At 7 am. I got dressed for work that started at 9 am. and ended at 5. Sometimes I stayed til 6:30 or 7. every single day. In the summer. In michigan. I couldnt stand it. I couldnt take it. I worked at a renown university and research department. I made ALOT of money. However, I hated it. I hated my life. I paid off a credit card that was taking me forever to pay off. I bought shit. I sent shit back. I never got a chance to wear it. The weekends were devoted to reading past research to sharpen my skills and preparing to present my research to a team of professionals. I got up everyday to go to my office in the lab and pour over statistics and codes. Greet babies and give advice to mothers about iron deficiency. I'm not even a damn mother. Who the fuck am I? I talked about iron. Everyday. Research is a long process. Tedious. Rewarding.

I had an annoying black republican roommate (another story). She calls me ghetto. Me? The girl that in my black public schools claimed I "talked like a white girl." Me? Who's mother would refuse to let her mingle with other black kids in the neighborhood. If I needed to go somewhere, I just call daddy and he would take me. Me? She was delirious. She was attempting to call me ignorant. That stereotypical black ignorant. But failed. She is the byproduct of home schooling and black parents ashamed of being black. That is what I told her. I cussed her out in the most professional way possible. She may be smart. But she had no social skills. Very Awkward. I asked her to work on that.

I found her. She kept staring at me. I finally acknowledged her. After almost a year. I have finally acknowledged her.

She is called an ADULT.

I don't want to know her. But She is here to stay. I want my mom to take care of me. I want to sit and have someone wait on me. I want to have excuses. I want to be slothful and do nothing. But I can't. No one is waiting on me. Everyone is taking me seriously. I can't ask for shit. I have to go get shit. I have to take care of myself now. I have to make wise decisions. I have to pay bills. I have to build bridges and not burn them. I have to hold on to friends. I have to be more than a friend. I have to live on my own.

My ear now has an affinity to blues and slow music. As a child, I would barely listen to it and act sophisticated. Now I listen to it because Im so stressed. I can eat certain foods that my childhood tongue had an aversion to. Tomatoes remain on burgers. Vegetables are swallowed whole. Coffee and Tea has a hint of sugar.

I'm an adult. I'm first generation African in America. Last night, I wondered why I have to work so fucking hard. Why my parents didnt pave me an easy road to travel. Why when I got to the road it was filled with weeds, dirt, debris. Tough earth. I have to plow this shit! I thought. Why didnt they plow it before I came!?!

But they didnt. It is me who has to clean up before the next generation. It is my duty. My responsibility. My parents didnt come to America successful. My parents came with 4 kids. Poor. Hungry. They tried to make a living. But failed. It wasnt their job. Or they just werent good at that job. They were too caught up in selfish wants. Thinking for today instead of the future. Instead of the children they will continue to have over the next 20, 22 years.
Their time came and went. Now its ours. Mine. To fix what my parents, ignorant to American standards, messed up. Ignorant to the standard of a family dynamic. Living for themselves. Living for their wants and needs. Not what's best for the 9 futures they created.

And it pisses me off. But I will accept this challenge. I will plow. I will clean. I will pave the way. I will make something anyone would be proud of. All their effort wont be in vain. Especially my mother's effort. My mother's sweat, blood and tears (literally).

I will do it for her. I will do it for me. And the ones that come after me. Or maybe even from me.

So you use Neyo, How Original...

2009-01-20T21:24:00.006-06:00

Still in Chicago, but completely packed to move back home. I lay in my mother's bed, tired from staying up all night doing my little sister's hair. I was a complete bum today. I have overstayed my welcome. I watched Obama swear in and laughed at the flub made during his swearing in. Felt very emotional. Extremely sad. 1/2 for Obama the other 1/2... ? I might be starting my cycle. Which pisses me off because I'm sad (if that makes any sense?)

Unfortunately, I knew exactly when my cycle was starting once I regulated it with the Nuva-ring (the weirdest contraceptive that goes in you and comes out when fucking a well-endowed man!) and finally birth control pills. But one fine day. The VERY last day P and i had sex, we decided we would have a baby. I must have been drunk and high and brain dead. So, on the floor, back and ass scarred from carpet burns, P and I went 1/2 on a baby.

...then reality hit.

We made our way to the bed and he hugged my sweaty,aching but satisfied body. Rubbing my belly and stated "My baby will be in there."

The sound of his voice sounded scared and fake, he feigned excitement. He didnt want a child. He ESPECIALLY didnt want one with me. I heard it. I felt it. And it slapped me in the face.

Why in the fuck will I want a child with this gay ass motherfucker?!!!

I faked it too. I asked him if he wanted a child, and he said "why not?" and it was pure bullshit. The whole night I thought about the stash of morning after pills (Plan B) in my chest of treasures, along with the various sizes of condoms, lube, my pink whip, costumes, silk rope cuffs, edible shit...you name it, I have it. Unfortunately, underneath all that love stuff, I wondered if my morning after pills were still in there and if they were expired.

I was gonna take them. 1st thing in the morning.

P and I have used almost all the love stuff in my treasure chest, because I idiotically thought we were in love. However, we never used the morning after pills. I was on birth control. The birth control made me sick and I lost my libido, so I stopped. We began using condoms again.

Sunrise.
I jump out the bed, ass naked. I began searching the grey suede chest. P is looking at me inquisitively. Eureka! I find the pills. I check the expiration date. January, 2009. OMG. It is September 2008. I pop the first pill in my mouth. Sit on my carpet. and stare blankly ahead. My mind racing. Thinking about how children hinder you. How my dreams will be deferred. How I want to do so much, travel, live a bachelorette lifestyle in a loft, start health programs, get a Ph.d etc. How that baby will slow me down. How I'm too selfish for a child and having children is the ULTIMATE SELFLESS act. How I really don't know if I want to be mother. EVER.

Bye Bye Conception.

I turn to him and smile. He asks. I tell. He seems relieved. He asks more questions. I state what the morning after pill is and how I have to take both pills within 12 hours of each other. He says ok. We get in the shower. Dress up. Get breakfast. He leaves back to Chicago. He calls me to say he made it home. He calls 12 hours later!

"Did you take the pill?"

Motherfucker, I don't need a reminder!!

I'm shocked and say No. He is like why not!?! all frustrated. I calm him down and say I'm taking it now. He calls for the next 2 days. I'm so damn depressed and I can't understand it. My period randomly starts. I call him and he is back on the same shit. Not answering. I send a text: I started my period, No baby. He sends back this face :(

Full of all the deepest shit.

I never hear from him. Again. He goes back to the same asshole. Barely calling and barely answering my texts. Acting like he is the shit because little girls that he tutors like him and he experiences Chicago's nightlife. I get fed up. And that's the straw that broke the camels back. I left him. As far as my cycle, its all screwed up now thanks to the morning after pill. If I was having sex, I would have tons of pregnancy scares...1 month, no period. I have to regulate it again.

Today.
I baked macaroni and cheese along with chicken for my baby siblings for dinner. I ate, and slept on my mother's bed. Depressed and getting over a cold, I want to leave my mother's home but Im reluctant to go back. I think that I am a gloater. I begin thinking about how I'm going to write 3 blogs. The first on how I value education and I kind of pompously show off my future plans. I am ashamed of myself for doing that. I want to seem modest not snobby. I want to change that about me, and I have to write about it to seek results. I think my behavior was childish. I think my blogs reflected this childishness. My "show off" attitude, that I think I am hiding but clearly using as a "fish for compliments" technique. I'm gonna take the safe route and blame it on my mom (Viki Robot)for her lack of congratulating me for anything I have ever done in my life, when I used to try my best just to please her (another story). Good thing I wised up. I think.

But Obama says, "Put the childishness to the side." in his speech. And I almost cried. I need to do that.

...I take a power nap and hear birds chirping. My cellphone alerts me of a text message. I'm thinking its my friend, O, R, or H. But No. It's P. and it reads:

"I will leave u alone I promise...But can u answer a question for me? Do you think of me anymore?"

WHAT THE FUCK?

This is random. I never expected this at all. I thought after I accidently called him it was done for. But no. He texts me. He can't stop thinking of me. He misses me.

And I LOVE IT!

That evil motherfucker. I laugh. And send a mass text to all my really close friends, which is like only 2 people. Look what P sent. My friend R, texts back, "so is he gonna leave u alone if you say yes"

I am a bit excited. Unfortunately, everytime I hear from him, randomly, I want to talk to him. I have to call my brother for a reminder never to talk to him again. Not even to answer that fucked up text.

I show my baby sister, 13. She says, "Neyo, How Original." and laughs. "You want to hear it?" and she pulls out her mp3 player find the song and I listen. Practically, word for word. This man has bit off Neyo. I text it to my friend R, and she texts "LOL, he did bite neyo."

I call my older brother. Tell him everything. And my brother made me feel so much better. "That corny asshole couldn't even use words from the heart. He had to give you a damn song and expect you to feel something about that. That some bullshit. I'm a man. I know how men think. And he ain't shit." (practically verbatim from my brother)

I feel better. As a weak and desperate woman, I almost fell. As usual. It is common amongst battered women like myself. But I repudiated him. I have to remember that. And keep reminding myself that.
He really didnt have the decency to say how he really felt. Which was one of the problems we had in our relationship. He was dishonest and never expressed how he really felt. I always walked on eggshells with him. Always confused. Even with his sexuality, I was never sure. For too long, I was Kept in the dark.

My mom keeps stating to me ever since I expressed to her the P situation that men who hurt you and you leave still together, long to want to hurt you more. Long to finish what they started. However, she doesnt state it in those exact words. She says, in her very deep African accent,

"BITCH! BITCH, YOU LUCKY I DIDNT KILL YOU! BITCH! YOU LUCKY I DIDN'T THROW YOUR ASS OUT ON THE EXPRESS WAY. I DIDNT BURN YOU WITH S.T DISEASES (in that exact word). IM GLAD I DIDN'T FEED YOU. I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT PRETTY BITCH! I SHOULD'VE DONE MORE. FUCK YOU BITCH! I SHOULD'VE DONE MORE TO YOU BITCH. IF I GET A CHANCE, I WILL FUCK YOU UP. BITCH!

...and it goes on like that for about 2 minutes.

I laugh.

I realize my mom listened to some of the things I said to her. Because in her statement, P has actually done some of those things to me.

My mom may be right in her rough yet cautious advice.

Have a Corona and Smile.

2009-01-18T14:22:00.017-06:00

My four years in college did nothing but piss me off. I can separate my personal life from my professional life. My professional life is excellent, too bad I cant say the same for my personal life.

College has introduced me to public health education, overt racism, liquor and haughty black men.

I think too damn much. I get caught up in thinking that I cant seem to have fun. Even at the club or some sort of party, I'll find myself thinking. Analyzing the music. Analyzing the people. I can't let go. I can't dance. I have a problem. My mother proudly admits that she drank a little when she was pregnant with me, she also admits to spoon-feeding me beer because I was a jumpy baby...just to calm me down. And I was drinking beer (referred to it as "pop") at the age of 3. No one stopped me from going into the fridge and pulling out a can for it to be opened. They laughed, opened it up and let me drink it. As a matter of fact, I have even seen footage/home videos of me drinking my father's Old Milwaukee can of beer and smiling for the camera.

I love liquor.

My older sister, now 28, then 14 never drank. But at 14 years old she decided to get drunk off of a half jug of wine my father always buys to this day. (Carlos Rossi?, I'm sure alot of people have seen this gallon of wine before). It was New Years Eve, She exclaims, "Im gonna get drunk like people usually do on New Years!" I decided to get drunk with her, then 8 years old. My sister and I took sip after sip. gulp after gulp of this bitter red cheap wine. Next thing you know, my sister stopped and was yelling, singing and crawling on the floor.
I wanted to be the same way, so I finished off the bottle.

My sister knocked over the Christmas tree (still up until February sometimes, but not this time). Rolled around, started to cry, telling all her secrets and insecurities. My parents looked on and laughed. My eldest sister, now 30, then 16 was in utter shock. I've never seen anyone drunk before, so I faked it and rolled on the floor with her. Then she throws up. And I knew right there I was not in the same state as her. I was completely fine, and I drank wayyy more than her. and I was half her size.

My eldest sister took her to the bathroom since she kept saying "I have to pee" and sat her on the toilet. My sister threw up again, took off her soiled sanitary napkin (aka Always with Wings Pad) and began to clean up her vomit. It was disgusting.
My eldest sister screamed and put her in the tub of cold water. Then my drunk older sister cried and admitted to too many sad things to list. It was horrible. I will never forget the image of my sister slowly sinking in the tub of water with all her clothes on and blood shot tear stained eyes.

I walked out the bathroom, sat on my mom's lap. I reached for the bottle of Guinness (the family holiday beer) and drank it. It was a weird night.

While in college...
I never drank hard liquor. I was used to wines and beers but not vodkas and tequilas.

My first taste of vodka was during a game called Never Have I Ever. Unfortunately, there was a lot of things I HAVE done. I was drunk. For the 1st time. I loved it. I didn't think of anything, I was uninhibited, I could use this and not feel self-conscious in the club. I could listen to music that disrespect the crap out of black women and dance to it. My miracle drug. My mind eraser.

Once I got into tequila there was no turning back. I can only drink very expensive tequila. Jose is not my friend. In fact, it made me throw up on several friends, end up in the hospital along with a huge emergency room bill attached to my credit report (another story). However, this story is the 1st in a series of topics. The series of topics are titled Welcome to Adulthood, Now Go Grab your Diaper. It is NOT SOLELY about my escapades with liquor.

Its what I have learned as an undergraduate student.

I Need a drink each and every time I go out. Otherwise I'm fine. I taught an alcohol class for 3 years, warning 17 and 18 year olds on the dangers of alcohol, learning your alcohol limit, what's in a shot compared to beer, wine, etc. how men metabolize liquor different from women, warning the girls if they are on birth control they get drunk faster and stay drunk longer, and finally, how people don't need liquor to have fun.

But I don't practice SOME of the things I preach. I'm glad I learned my limit though.

I have taken 2 shots of Patron to calm my nerves before a very important speech about the research I did on HPV and genital warts for professors and public health officials. Sad.
But the speech was PERFECT!

I'll never do that again, but I will never stop drinking before I go out. I think I just may need it. Ignorance is bliss and I am unhappy.

unless I drink.

Acts of Faith

2009-01-17T20:26:00.003-06:00

its so hard for me to believe.

why?

Viki Robot

2009-01-17T03:00:00.003-06:00

My mom sits in her rocking chair with all of its pillows and rocks and stops and rocks. With every rock she is antagonizing my father. In her best robotic voice, my mother says things like "shut up little old man, says viki robot."

An african robot.

My mother is too frigging funny. I can spend the Whole day with her sometimes eating swiss cheese and watching investigative shows like In Cold Blood. Those shows are her favorite.
But she knows where to draw the line. One minute you think you have viki robot, but you really have this strict, controlling, overprotective mother.
I asked my mom for my car back and she retorted with the I gotta see. I am an adult. Why do I have to ask for my items? Why is my mom so controlling? I had to steal my vehicle from her last year. She just lets it sit there and won't let me drive even though my school is located in a dead beat town where you MUST drive to get around. My mother has complete control issues. The car is sitting in the driveway, covered in snow and ice. Must we be this difficult.

You would think getting into a grad school ranked number 7 in the country will make her proud. And I may even get into Harvard too. But Nope, my mom strangely gets jealous and wants to go back to school. When I say something about it, she NEVER says congratulations. In fact, she says "have you finished filling out my application?" Womp Womp. I get so irritated by that, I don't even wanna look at her when she does that. Not only that, she never told me to fill out an application, she doesn't tell me the school etc. She randomly gets this idea to go back. Its terrible she doesn't realize what she does. My mom has been going to school almost every year since before I was born. She wasn't even a citizen then and paid out of pocket. She has spent possibly over $100 grand. She is the definition of a Professional Student.

I am thoroughly annoyed by Viki robot at times. We would like to say we have a close relationship but when she says shit like "your sister always looks out for me and makes me tea," it pisses me off. Not because I do the same, but because she is saying that I don't. Basically.
I don't think our relationship will ever be that close and we fake it. I know my mother talks crap, a lot of crap. And I don't want to hear it. I think my face says it.

I love her though. She takes really good care of me.

Chicago has hit sub-zero temps and I have not gone anywhere. Chicago is whack. Im moving to somewhere hot! Im sick as hell too.

Damn chicago.

Viki robot puts my sick self in her bed. Her room is hot. Hotter than mine. She goes upstairs to my room to sleep. That's how loving my silly mom is. However, she has broken a man's ribs before. But that's another story.

I sleep. Dreaming about making my drive to Champaign. I awaken to my ringer which is "talk to me"...it sings it over and over.
I jump up when I realize its my phone. And I look at the missed call. And I almost jumped out of my pajama pants.

My Navy Man.

Omg! I called back as quick as I could. It is close to 2 am. He answers with a "hey girl." I giggle. I am so excited to hear from him. And I show it. Asking him tons of questions. He seems shocked that I wanna know about his life. I don't know why he acts like that when I question him. He sounds happy. He tells me to drop out of school and come to Singapore. I say "Oh god! If I was stupid, I would."

He thinks that's funny. He says, with faux disappointment, "well you dont wanna be my boo?"

Actually I don't.

I just wanna know him. He says too many ignorant things. Like for instance, "its so hot here, I wanna de-tan"
He has light skin. But come on.
And I offered him cool points when he said he loves dark women.

He claimed he was already cool, so he won't be needing it. The nerve of him.

But I like him.

We talked for awhile. Recounting things we talked about before. He joked about me saying "goo goo gaa gaa" and I joked about his fiasco in Hawaii. All the women were huge and looked like wrestler "The Rock."
He says I never gave my email address to him and he wanted to send me letters. So I texted it to him. My navyman said he was calling all the people he thought he was cool with now that he has cell phone range on the ship.

He jokingly asked why I send him to voicemail and I stated I was sleep. I also had to watch what I said on the phone. He talked around one of the secret missions I asked about, in fear someone was listening. My navy man told me the mission in November, but I thought he was joking when he said it was confidential. He plays a lot. I was like oops. I did something stupid.

He didn't mind, claiming my breath probably smelled. And I informed him my new deep voice was because I was sick. Jerk.

I told my best friends that my navyman and I broke up. Maybe I spoke too soon. Fortunately, he might not be doing the secret mission. If he comes back, im flying to san diego to see his sexy ass.

I wonder if he likes me.

I have to seek a man's opinion on that. I do know not sleeping with him or performing any sexual act was the smartest move I've made.

Mr. Stinky (my nigerian guy) and I broke up though. I said it was over. Point blank. He said man whatever. I couldn't help but laugh. He turned me off.

Gosh, I feel good. My navyman couldn't have returned at a better time.

Time to start packing. My Farewell to Chicago is in a couple of days.

Which is ok, because I get to see my Phd guy and know what he's all about.

This forced celibacy is working out for a playa!

But for how long?

Silly Rabbit...

2009-01-15T10:17:00.013-06:00

Ok, so I remember being the elementary school oracle. Besides science and english, All the girls came to me for reproductive and sexual advice. And it bothered me at that young age that most of the girls didn't know what an orgasm was but they were sexual active. I wasn't. One even had a 6 month old baby in 8th grade.

I guess anyone can tell that I didn't go to the best elementary school.

I remember telling one girl, "why are you having sex if you don't know what an orgasm is?" I don't remember her answer.
I was well beyond my years and I was always reading something. I even boldly subscribed to Playgirl magazine, which I would wait by my door for it to arrive. I could not wait to open the plastic encased, white protective covered magazine. Talk about Privacy.

I got a glimpse of white men's penis. Pink. And sometimes red.

No one in my big home, I have tons of siblings, was aware that this 11 year old was reading sexual paraphenilia. My dad would pay for my magazines and never cared to look at what I was getting. On top of Playgirl was, of course, Teen Magazine, Seventeen, etc.

My parents didn't really supervise me. They let me do whatever I wanted, it pays to get good grades. (All that changed when I started college, really odd)

Anyway, I was the sex guru. Sex has been naturally apart of my, practically ALL my life. My master's degree is focused on women's reproductive health. I want to be an educator, specifically teaching sex, sti's etc. A Talk Sex with Sue type of person. But sexier and young. A lot of young black women need it...our HIV rate is alarming.

I know this is true when my college friend explained me she used a douche to prevent pregnancy. Little did she know she pushed the sperm further up and any infection he may have given her. Silly.

About 2 weeks ago, I was having dinner and drinks with my friend R and her sister at Bar Louie. We talked about everything, including abstinence and the jackrabbit.
In the beginning, the simple thought of abstinence made me sick. But my friend's sister opened my eyes. There is nothing wrong with teaching abstinence along with sex education.
I always throw abstinence out the window. Why the hell would anyone wanna do that? Im sexified I guess. Is sexified even a word? Im not gonna do that anymore. How could I be so ignorant, People actually abstain, like my 21 year old male friend. I learned a lot on this winter vacation!

My parents Never had the "sex talk" with me. My mother randomly accused me of having sex...WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE!

I decided to sit my brat baby sisters down to talk to them. 1 a virgin,13. 1 that's not,17. The 13 year old, bright as ever, has the nerve to write erotica novels!! says she is abstaining. I ask why and she states, "just because I write about it does not mean I want to do it, im just not interested."

I should beg to differ.

As far as The 17 year old, just as bright but going for the Maury's wild teens award according to my mom, I explain sti's etc. to her. Im really open with her.

R's sister mention the "jack rabbit" from someone well endowed. Now, that's just terrible.

For those who don't know, The jack rabbit should be strictly for guys who recently lost their virginity. Get excited and want to cum...fast. The motion of the jack rabbit is easy to make, first you take one hand and slap it on to the other, multiple times and really fast.

I prefer to slap it on to a hard surface, like a table.

I believe Teenage girls experience the jackrabbit more often than woman my age and older, unless the teen messes with those men who are super-experienced and older. They are able to brainwash and impregnate.

I wonder why I had sex. Who would I be if I abstained? I've experienced the jackrabbit a lot. But then again, I was in a 5 year relationship. High school sweet hearts. He broke my virginity at like 16 or 17. I can't remember, it was many moons ago!
He was not the best but as we grew older, fucked each other more, he tried different movements.
However, my curious mind longed for more. As in more girth. He was really small.

So I cheated. A lot.

We broke up.

My last 2 guys were well endowed, but fucked completely different. J was a premature ejaculator. He would have an orgasm 2 inches before entry. I would talk dirty and he would have a wet dream. It was that serious!

Unfortunately, he was well-endowed. After taking several different medications, Viagra to Prozac, it prolonged his sex. But the sex wasn't good. It was jackrabbit all the way, baby. He would just eat me out. Now that, my friends, he was amazing.

He is still top dog.

So, I couldn't take the jackrabbit or the prematurity and cheated. See men, the jackrabbit could be a big reason why women cheat!...Just Kidding. Am I?
Anyway, I found P, and he hit it like I never had it before. I was aDICKted. I was mind gone, didn't know where I was at. The dick made me let him do and treat me however he wanted. I never had an orgasm during sex. Only with oral and if I'm on top (I am queen of riding, there's no size I can't handle). Most women don't have an orgasm during sex anyway. But I had an orgasm with P (even when he was on top of me) about 98.99% of the time. It was reckless.

I should've stay with my jackrabbit. I left him though, for P. R's sister said that's why you should abstain. But now that I think about it, if I lost my virginity to him, I would be miserable. Talking about he was my 1st and shit like that. Naw, im glad I didn't abstain.

As far as teens, they tend to have sex for no reason. They don't know what is good sex, orgasms, the purpose etc. I feel they do it, just to do it. Just to say they did it. Its their reason to gloat. Sex is for bragging to them. The affection, emotion, love, caring, adoration and the fact that you are giving a piece of yourself away is thrown out the window. The books that I read as a child did not teach me that. Being mentally, emotionally and physically abused by P taught me that.

But, hey, its all a learning experience, right?

On a side note, the JackRabbit vibrator is like no other!

everybody was Kungfu fighting

2009-01-14T06:32:00.002-06:00

So a friend from h.s. swears she has the perfect guy for me. She would aim me that her friend keeps asking about me since he requested my friendship on facebook. I say no. For some reason, facebook has proved to be the new eharmony, match.com! Im not feeling it.

I aimed her out of desperation to know who it was. She told me his name, this facebook stalker guy. He would comment on my pics before I made them private. I went thru his profile for the 1st time and noticed his hairline and face and...was not interested.

I am so getting rid of my facebook profile. Im over facebook!

Unfortunately, I said give him my number before checking him out! Shit.shit.shit.
He is obviously one of the many unattractive facebook stalkers that I have.
Mistake.

I can't believe I accepted his friendship.

Tons of creepy guys would request me as their friend and I accepted. Then I wised up and let their ass sit there on the friend request list, you are not going thru all my pictures. Learning about my life. Sorry. Stalker.

Anyway, a random number calls me. I answer. And it is him. And here is the conversation:

Him:
Hello
Me:
Hello, who is this?
Him:
Kungfu, E's friend
Me:
Hi, how's it going?
Kungfu:
I hate snow
Me:
Hehe, me too. I can't wear heels.
Kungfu:
I can't park, this is what I get for getting a 2 wheel drive car.
Me:
Oh yea, I didn't think about that. (Insert cute giggle)
Kungfu:
You have a cute laugh
Me:
Uh, ok. Thanx

Now the good stuff (sarcasm):

Kungfu:
Im a 13 year blah blah black belt. Im upper middle class, from the southside [of chicago]. Blah blah. Im mexican, chinese, and black. More blah blah. I like long walks in the park (he laughs, I yawn)

Akward silence

Me:
I assume you want me to describe myself now
Kungfu:
Ok

Akward silence

I was about to start describing the least yet most interesting thing about myself. I just couldn't get over thinking that he gave me his social class and ethnicity. I swear people expect Sonic the hedgehog coins for being multiracial. What was the purpose of saying "upper middle class." Does money define you? I know im high maintenance, but at least I try to hide it. Gosh

Me:
Well... (interrupted)
Kungfu:
I like to play. I was kidding. You know?
Me:
That's fine
Kung fu:
Im kind of the life of the party

Judging by his picture, looks more like the butt of a joke.

Me:
Mmmhmm
Kungfu:
(describing more martial arts shit)
Me:
WOW. (Like I give a damn, there will be tons of wows in this conversation, wows represent my lack of interest)
Kungfu:
I want to be an attorney. 1 more year of college to go.
Me:
Wow
Kungfu:
I can teach you martial arts, but you can't use it on people. Legally, you have to run away
Me:
Forget that! I wanna fight!
Kungfu:
Haha, you're too pretty to fight. Who is fighting you?
Me:
Please. If someone is picking on me, imma fight.
Kungfu:
Look up the ILL state and law codes
Me:
No. (Why the hell would I do all that?, I think)
Kungfu:
I hope you don't get arrested, I don't want to see you in court
Me:
Ill be alright
Kungfu:
Can you imagine? me as the martial arts teacher, UFC fighter and prosecutor
Me:
Um. (I don't know you!)
Kungfu:
I wish I could recommend you to a martial arts instructor here, but u.s.instructors are whack compared to other countries.
(My spidey sense is telling me he is about to show off again)

Kungfu:
I learned all my skills overseas.
Me:
Wow.
Kungfu:
Its better there
Me:
I wish I had the time to go overseas to learn something, like a new language etc.
Kungfu:
I wish I could've went to party. When I was 6 we went to Paris, my dad taught me how to read and order from a menu in french. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing.
Me:
Wow (extreme yawn)

Kungfu:
Everytime I go over seas, the people never know what race I am because im so mixed up

(Somebody please give him the coins before shit gets ugly!)

Me:
(Ignoring the shit out of that statement, im not entertaining ignorance. You're not the only mixed race person in the motherfucking world!)
What school do you go to?
Kungfu:
Chicago state
Me:
Ok (not impressed)

Akward silence, waiting on him to ask me which school I attend

Kungfu:
I wish I could've went away for school

Thoroughly annoyed by this self absorbed fake ass Kimbo Slice (a UFC fighter, for those who don't know)
I state that I am tired. It was nice talking to him and before I can say let me call you back, he says "call me back"

I can't believe he told me to call HIM back. Whatttt!
That has never happened before. I could not help but laugh on the phone before I clicked. What a character!

I have a feeling this creep will be calling me back to do some more gloating.

Why is that some people don't realize a conversation means 2, 2 people exchanging words. As my mom would say "you are filling up the air!" in her strong accent.

It kills me that this boy has been asking to talk to me for over a year (or 2?)and not 1 time did he ask me about myself. He didn't even try to get to know the person he wanted to know!

Does that make any sense!?!

I even had to suggest me joining in on the conversation and he didn't even let me or realize I never got a chance to describe anything about myself.
Looking at this young man, I just saw an unattractive black boy. The mixed thing went over my head. Im sure a lot of people feel the same way. But I wasn't going to burst his bubble. People walk around and feel like people are staring at them, analyzing them and giving a fuck about them. Boy, are they wrong!

This also brings me to men that constantly say to me, "damn, I love dark women!" (another story)

I guess im supposed to feel special, privileged, if you will because you want me. Ignorance at its best.

I'm gonna start walking around with Sonic coins and cool points to hand out to those fools.

Kungfu deserves a whole heap of Sonic coins...

...and I hope he falls and all the coins get to popping and flying every where!

What's in a name?

2009-01-14T01:49:00.000-06:00

...everything.

For the sake of anonymity, I will give a list of initials etc. of people I encounter and people I know. To reduce confusion:

W- my ex boyfriend's boyfriend
P- my ex boyfriend
R- an eccentric bestie
D- a caring bestie
B- a phony weak friend
J- a obssesed ex before P
K- high school sweetheart
S- a self absorbed phony friend
V- an inquisitive bestie
O- a strange but kind bestie
L- mutual fashion fiend bestie
N- a temp date, nigerian
Navy Man- a yummy temp
KungFu- a NEW temp date
CM-a foolish friend now ex
Jacko- a lunatic ex friend
Phd- a temp date
Virgin-best friend,male,21
Go-funny bestfriend,male

Can't think of anymore featured appearances.

Tales From The Crypt

2009-01-13T18:01:00.004-06:00

I was bored as hell, so I started watching Tales from the Crypt. Luckily, my favorite episode was on. I haven't watch Tales from the Crypt in a long time. I was stoked to see it on the Chiller Channel, DTV.

Loved to Death. It stars Mariel Hemingway. The guy really wants Mariel to love him so he uses a potion and drugs her. At first, she was a jerk who couldnt stand him, now she was madly and deeply in love with him. He gets tired of her and tries to kill her with another potion but he accidentally drinks it and winds up in the afterlife. She randomly appears too. She jumps out the window and kills herself. Now he is stuck with her for ever and she looks terrible! Sucks for him.

Gotta love Tales From the Crypt.

So far, I got into St. Louis University in Missouri and Emory University at the Rollins School of Public Health in Atlanta Georgia.

I am so ready to begin graduate school and start a new lifestyle. I want a funky little 1 bedroom apt or studio. I need lots of closets and windows. It has to look extremely rugged and I make it look like home. I add purple couches, white and gray curtains. Weird artpieces, barely any kitchen utensils. Mirrors galor and tons of books. Strange rugs, magazines. Chipped paint desk for my laptop. A huge closet. New Shower curtains. Brown Candles. Nothing matches but they all fit together perfectly.

But I cant forget to study.
And date like crazy!

I cannot wait for the dating scene. This new batch of men in my life. In a different city. I get a chance to start over. I am so happy I got into 2 grad schools so far. I am waiting to hear from University of Michigan, Temple in Philadelphia, George Washington in D.C., Dartmouth in Rhode Island, Northwestern in Evanston, IL, Tulane in Louisiana, UIC in Chicago and Harvard in Boston. Before applying to Harvard, UIC and Emory were my top choices. I wanted and yearned to live in a city. It was something I had to do, staying in Champaign really sucked. Especially the dating scene. It was just horrible plus I made so many mistakes when it came to men. I even chose that horrible ex of mine in Champaign. I am completely done with Champaign. This new step couldn't have come at a perfect time. No one can take me down from this high.

I secretly want to go to Emory. If I don't get into Harvard, Emory is where I will definitely go. It will be warm and I will be in the south with black people in a city. Some say I seem like the east coast, which I agree but I wouldn't mind living in the south. Southern hospitality, right?

I'm afraid I want to go to Atlanta for the men. I don't really know the Atlanta night life. I hear so many weird things about Atlanta. Thats its not what its cracked up to be...blah blah. Or its the best thing ever. I really need to visit. I should take out some loans to visit all my schools. I don't want to make the wrong decision, although i will be there for only 2 years. I'm really looking for a place to call my own, my career, my home. As far as Atlanta, I can actually hear myself saying that I live in Atlanta. Plus the CDC is located there, so I can find a job.
I just want to choose a city and a graduate school for the right reason. I don't want to live a Tales From the Crypt episode!

I think I'm mainly afraid of the "down low brother"

I can't handle another one those.

My Ex--The Homosexual?

2009-01-13T12:58:00.003-06:00

I promised in past issues that I would discuss my ex's supposed homosexuality. I also mentioned how his denial of his sexuality may be the reason why he treated me like garbage. So, here are the very few but significant signs of [his] homosexuality:

4. The Ex and his roommate. My ex seemed to be astounded that this openly gay guy wants to spend time with him. Astounded in a really good way. Before he became my ex's temporary roommate, he was my friend. I tend to have gay friends and tend to remain friends with them. However, our relationship ended bitterly. Once the ex and him began hanging out because of similar majors (english) he pretended to not know me anymore. IT WAS FREAKING WEIRD MAN!
My ex would cook and serve both of us. Strange shit like that. Ok, that may not be strange but you had to be there when he handed him a plate of food. It didn't hit me until reeaaaallll late. Next, in the summer at the end of the year, my ex helps his gay friend move out of his apt into my ex's apt. Their relationship was getting even closer and weirder. My ex only talked to him, barely talked to me. They would go out to eat. Buy groceries together. But the gay guy paid for everything. My ex would use that as a reason to why he was hanging out with him, like he was using him or something. I didn't believe it. Sometimes, I would catch them studying at night in the private cubicles together or at the union having lunch.
Back to the summer time fiasco: I would have to beg for sex all the time and we can only do it when the gay guy wasn't home.

Then I asked for the extra keys to the apt. By the way, I moved into my ex's apt too. His 3 roommates moved out. I had no idea the gay guy, lets refer to him as W, was moving in until the day I moved in and my ex asked if I was ok with that, as if I can do anything about it.. Its getting rude to call him gay guy. Anyway, my ex refused to give me a key. But to my surprise, W HAD A KEY! And came and went as he please, and I had to call either him or W to open the door for me. I was so pissed I temporarily moved out.

W also had a problem when our ex and I were affectionate. I mean he hated it. He would storm out of the room, soap opera style!
The last day I saw W, we checked our grades and noticed that I got a 3.8 and they barely got a 3.0. W said my major was easy, that's why I have good grades. We argue intensely and W decides to move out 2 days later to Atlanta, the new San Fran! And removes our, meaning my ex and me, friendship from facebook and never emails my ex ever again. I guess he couldn't take the infidelity. But my ex definitly could. It was so weird living in that apt with my boyfriend and my boyfriend's boyfriend. My bestie says I didn't get the key in fear that I would walk in on them fucking. I think she is right.

3. Anal sex.
My ex loved it. Not on me. But on him. I fingered my ex's anus on a regular. Sometimes, he would lay on me and put my hands on his ass. I knew that was a cue for me to finger him. I was kind of forced to do it when I think about it. It happened accidently, i would grab his ass as he fucked me. The sex was so good I had to hold on to something. But one day, he moved my hands to his anus. I knew immediately what he wanted, but I wasn't gonna give it. I removed my hands and he put it back. It went on like that for 5 min. I finally gave in. And put in.
I actually like it, which is pretty weird to say. While he fucked me, and put his fingers in my ass, I would have 2 fingers in his. We were literally fucking each other. And the orgasms would be intense!
He always wanted to perform anal on me. I would let him do it after a long anal four play session. His penis was so huge. It was so thick, long and wide, I feared for my anus. So, he put in work before he could put it in.
Unfortunately, his head game sucked. He couldn't eat pussy. And he hated it so much. He would come up from between my legs with a face of disgust. NO MAN I ever messed with done that. I just stopped him from doing it.
Sadly, I am on video, Paris Hilton with the Night Vision style, doing a lot of crazy shit to my ex. Even anal fucking him independently. Yes, I mean, im not getting fucked at all. Just me fucking him. I would hate for that to get out.

2. He was molested by a man, which scarred him. As much as I don't want to think it...I do strongly feel it has played a role in his confusion. He admitted to being confused on the sad and crazy night he told me. But he would deny it if I asked him now.

1. I asked him, one day after W left, "ARE YOU GAY?"
He replies,

"I DON'T THINK SO."

...Or even This One!!!!.

2009-01-12T19:00:00.005-06:00

Monogram mini lin Louis Vuitton Bag.

Saw this bag in the flesh! LOVE is all I feel.

A void.

2009-01-12T18:35:00.006-06:00

I try so hard to look and feel fabulous. I'm starting to think that all my efforts are not real. When I say not real, I mean by covering up some insecurities. Do I care about what people say or think about me??

Actually. No.

But I'm not sure. Why must I keep up with every trend? Am I trying to fulfill a void or am I just fulfilling another interest of mine?

I will find out.

But currently, I must have this Louis Vuitton bag!

The 21 Year Old Virgin

2009-01-12T04:13:00.003-06:00

I must admit, I have a lot of great friends. A lot. They all have interesting lives and they all complete me in some way. I have a full range of people in my circle. They range from super religious to super atheist. (Can one be super atheist?) anywho,

As I sit here listening to Tupac's So Many Tears that changes to his song Life Goes On, I think about my life and my friends.

My friend from 4th grade visits me whenever im in town. There has not been one time this boy has not visited me when im in chicago. I have a strange feeling he has a crush on me. I know he would do anything for me. This boy has given me money to get my hair done when my loser ex wouldn't, according to my ex, all his ex girlfriends were "self-sufficient."
Anyway,
When we reunited back when I was in high school, we dated. Very briefly.
We went downtown for thai at this groovy restaurant. However, I wasn't feeling him. He was just too shy. Couldn't dress. Too...lame. I thought I could use him, but I didn't want to. So I kept him as a distant friend.

Well, today. In the heat of horniness, I was gonna have him eat my pussy. Why not? I said. Im sure he hasn't had any in awhile. Or he hasn't tasted pussy before. I was gonna let him meet my vagina in all her pierced glory. But...

After 2 hours of talking, trying to lead up to sex. Mainly oral sex. I paid attention to everything he said and seized the opportunity to ask "since you're afraid of talking to females and fear rejection, how long has it been since you got any?"

I was shocked.

"Um, er, I am a virgin."

What the heck!! Oh hell no.

If he met my vagina, he won't let her go!

I was not about to even let him smell it. He is a motherfucking virgin. He would call incessantly. I could not risk losing my friendship with him by breaking off a relationship with him and my pussy.

I have trouble doing that with non-virgins!

If I was to fuck him. Which im not! He would be turned the fuck out. I am too experienced. I must admit, im a good lay. I think the nice guy will be an asshole addicted to me. Better yet, my vagina. All I could think about is the 40 year old virgin movie and he swore it wouldn't last that long. No wonder why he is so akward! I asked what has he done to a woman. He said he'd seen 1 naked (his 1st and only girlfriend), sucked boobs (in those exact words) and tongue kissed. Pathetic (just kidding). I think. I, actually commend him abstaining for the "right" girl. But I am sure he is upset about it. I know he feels left out.

I know he is huge.

He is afraid he would be a minute man. I reassured him that experienced guys are a minute sometimes. It happens. Especially since it will be his first time. She'll understand. As far as huge, I mentioned something about the size of men in porn and how some guys are self conscious about that. He said, im only jealous of not having sex and not having a girlfriend.

That motherfucker is huge!

Boy, he is so lame though. And honest and sweet.

You don't meet men like that everyday.

Its tempting. So tempting to turn him out. But I don't want to lose a friend.

God.

I'm horny.

The Real World

2009-01-11T01:06:00.004-06:00

Is joining the military avoiding the "real world?"
1st of all what is the "real world" that people speak of?

I personally believe that being deployed, following meaningless orders and working for pennies is the real world.
What goes thru the mind of those people who join? Do they expect an easy ride? Do they figure that there is no hope for them? Do they feel that the military is the only option or do they feel it is the last resort?

I don't get it.

When my navy man said all he has to do is work for 4 years and get school paid in full and asked "wouldn't you do it too?"
I responded with a NO. And that my school is paid in full anyway. Plus I rather get my degree in 4 years. I can see work for a year, but 4 FUCKING YEARS! DAMN!
He seemed upset that I said no. But it was a dumb question because I declined 4 years ago. Futhermore, he is unhappy in the navy. In fact, all my peers are unhappy. 2 are in afghanistan, Miserable.

My navy man was terribly upset about being deployed. He said his life stops. I reassured him that it didn't. He asked if I will be a senior and I said by the time you come back I will be starting grad school. He then called himself a "navy loser." I feel a bit sorry for him. He said he will email, but I have a feeling I won't hear from him for a while or never again.

Im not fighting no rich mans war...

The people in my facebook friends' list have about 2 kids and are either in the military or married because of the military. Most have kids just because (draw in a blank)

That is outrageous.

The snow in chicago is tall. And my chances of getting the car might be decreased. Why can't she just give it to me?
My mom and I are on good terms again. She was mad about her age. Yesterday was her birthday. She's 50!

We are shopping later on today.

"Sometimes we fight," she said. "But we are friends."

I love that lady dearly. She is hilarious. But I don't trust her.

New guy in the mix.

My phd guy likes me. I would catch him staring but he is trying to play it cool. Im not too attracted to him, but he is interesting...and pretty lame. He is better at diverting my mind from my ex than the nigerian guy. No one is as good at doing that than my navy man. Gosh I want him so bad.

When he comes back I will definitely fuck the shit out of him. Maybe?

Anyway,
My phd guy has something going for him. He is not intimidated. He has a bachelors in engineering. I think electrical. Mmm. Im going to hang out with him more when I get back.

I had to convince him that I was not high maintenance. Even though I might be. I know he wasn't going to talk to me if I was.
My only hope is that he does not take this grad student thing to far. Sometimes I see him looking a mess!

I like to look fab. But I promise I won't be superficial and self conscious. That's how I lost my high school sweet heart.

Which I sometimes regret.

ugh stinky self

2009-01-08T16:11:00.007-06:00

there is no one that gets on my nerves more than that nigerian guy. he disgusts me. I am so irritated by him. not only is he a facebook stalker, he is so fucking annoying. I dont care how nice he is, I want to throw up in my damn mouth. Because of him, I had to make all my pics private on facebook. he would look at my pics while on the phone with me and comment to me about them. EVEN THOUGH I CLEARLY SAID STOP LOOKING AT MY FUCKING PICTURES.

FUCKING STALKER.

when he picked me up from the train, he had this strange odor. strange. strange. it stung my nostrils. it wasnt like a shit stank, just a weird stank. i didnt like it. i wanted to escape from the car. I feel like throwing up while typing. he is so annoying too. like he enunciates the shit out his words. it pisses me off. like he would say righTTT (does it really need the extra T, nasty ass motherfucker)
He also does this fucked up ass laugh, heh heh. UGH stinky self

Disclaimer: The term stinky self comes from my niece when she was 3 years old, when ever she was annoyed with her baby brother, she would say Ugh Stinky Self and I would crack up. Fortunately, that term has two meanings in this situation.

This dumb fuck wants to cook me dinner but never goes to buy the shit and we keep rescheduling. Personally, i dont give a fuck if he feeds me or not. ugh.

WHY he is a dumb fuck?

After he picks me up from the train station, he takes me to go eat. He opts to talk about his future plans. He is 29 and is a counselor for one of the colleges here in chicago. however, he is paid from a grant and the grant is ending. He took his GMAT and scored an unbelievable low 220 on it and the minimum is about 550. He is a numbnut. ugh

His future plans:

"I want to take poor kids from the inner city and take them to 3rd world countries and show them that their situation is not that bad"

THAT IS THE DUMBEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I proceed to say

"what!" "That makes no sense, how is that showing them hope, how is that changing anyone's circumstances, how is that providing help for either party?????"
"you are basically showing the poor americans that there is no hope and you are gloating in front the 3rd world children, like haha your shit is worse than mine. Any way, what the fuck can a poor american offer the poor in another country. They both are poor. The difference is the way of living and in my personal opinion being poor in america has to be the worst situation. True help would be taking a rich american to offer help to the poor in the 3rd world, as a count your blessings type of thing (although I am not religious). Also, teaching poor children in America that there is still hope and showing work ethic, value of education etc. And introducing them to people who were formerly poor." That is true help.

He says:

"If you give a poor kid in Africa a bowl of rice they are so excited about it."

I say:

"if you give a poor kid in America a bowl of rice they will be excited too."

He says:

"its still different." "They may not have parents. Their parents probably died from AIDS"

I say:

"So, in America, having no daddy and a crack head mother with AIDS is a better situation?"

He says:

"you dont understand. I'm educated. You're young. Too young to understand. You need more schooling."

I say:

"NO, you dont understand. I am educated. You went to a low profile black college, public not private like Hampton, Howard or Morehouse. I am graduating from one of the PREMIER universities in the nation and I am headed to a fabulous graduate school. Thats education. Just because you are older does not mean you are wise"

He proceeds to throw more insults that I care not to pay attention to, and I end it with " People use insults when they realize they are inferior and their ideas lack common sense." "But I'm not going to argue with you because I heard what they say about arguing with fools."

What they say about arguing with fools? You cant tell the difference.

He ends with:

I also want to do some evangelizing in Africa, especially Nigeria.

NOW I REALLY HATE HIM!

and I say:

Uganda was one of the 1st African countries to lower their HIV rate by implementing safe sex programs etc. However, evangelists came and promoted ABSTINENCE (UGH) and their HIV rate went right back up.
Evangelists is the reason Nigerians in Akwa Ibom state are killing their children in fear that they are witches and the reason for their lives being in squalor. Lack of education and extreme religion has many to believe that children are the cause rather than blaming the government, oil mongers and propagandists out for money. Nigeria's future leaders are threatened because of evangelists. So far, 16,000 children have been killed. I watched disturbing footage on what NO ONE gives a damn about.

He changes the subject and asks if im ready to go home. I gladly say yes.

I thank him. and he drives me home.

I cannot believe I am talking to such an idiot who might be a bit homo (another story).

Ugh Stinky Self.

He's Back?

2009-01-08T03:31:00.003-06:00

My navy man is back. And I don't know what to think of it. After talking for hours on the phone with my brother, he calls me. Whatttt!
I was so excited. Like a school girl. Once I get off the phone with my brother, I immediately call him.

He thinks I didn't like him.
I admitted to being standoffish but damn! I knew I did something wrong. I played a little too hard to get. He thinks I didn't really like him. That I seemed mad, like I didn't want to be there. I think he likes me but I still don't trust him. Now I can't go to sleep. Its like im high. No more of the ex clouding my vision. Not clouding my mind.

But he is leaving.
He is not really back. He leaves friday. To africa, FOR 7 MONTHS!
Some bullshit.

I stated to him I hope he got some before he left. He laughed. Didn't say no or yes. I think its a yes.

He seemed different on the phone. Sad. He doesn't want to leave, but its his job. I can't feel sorry for him. Its the choice a lot of gullible minorities make, joining the army, military etc.

He claims I confuse him. I think he disappeared on purpose. Not only because I gave the impression that I did not like him but because he is scared to like me. I think.

My navy man is so sexy.

I may just want to keep him as eye candy. I definately don't see a future with him. He is full of shit.

My brother asked me what can I see my ex doing...career wise. And I had no idea. He wouldn't touch people so he won't make a good cop. He is not even aggressive enough. He is just evil. Purely evil. Weak and dumb. He tries his best to hide his insecurities but I saw right thru it.

As far as my navy man?

After the navy, I have no idea what I see him as. I don't know his qualities...yet. We are VERY much in the beginning stage. But I can say this...
I don't trust him.
But I will email him occassionally while he is overseas. I really like that tall, bald, chunk of meat.

The Ex, The New Guy and The New Year

2009-01-07T13:43:00.008-06:00

I really liked that boy. unfortunately it didnt work out. My navy man went as fast as he came. After our night at the hotel, he stopped contacting. I have no idea what went wrong. I guess he just wanted to sleep with me and i did NOT sleep with him. Thank god.

However, I missed an opportunity to get cunnilingus.
He blatantly said "Freshen up so I can eat your coochie," VULGAR, i know

I said no. This was the night I went out with my sister the hater (another story). The guys that night were fab! That night was fab! I looked great! And my navy man seemed so into me, but i guess not. We went to eat, i got pancakes, I was soooo intoxicated but I knew what i was doing. We stayed at his hotel and I fell asleep. The next morning we talked, i told him about my piercing and he said his vulgar statement. I got ready to leave and I never heard from him again. He probably slept with somebody as a backup. Too bad, so sad.

My ex.

On NEW Year at the whack club that was $50, I called my ex. Why?

I dont really know. Liquor and Horniness took over me.
The phone hung up and I didnt even hear it ring. Thank goodness i said to my self.
HOWEVER, he calls me like 2 hours later. I dont answer. He leaves me yet another I am sorry voicemail. And he claims "he messed up my mind" WHAT!
at first i was like HELL NO! im cool. but then again....he did.

I cant stop thinking about that boy. I cant let go. I want to know what he is up to. I want to talk to him...so bad. BUT I CANT.
He hurt me.

I accidently called him AGAIN. He answers and does his infamous MMMHMM. I said with excitement "OH MY GOD I CALLED THE WRONG NUMBER!"
I was trying to get to my sister and since i deleted his number I called him. MISTAKE

I hung up and i didnt call back. He didnt either.
Well, on facebook he claims he is "thinking of someone special"
That affects me, cuz it may be me and it may not be. If its not me than fuck him cuz he NEVER thought about me. I was never special to him. he treated me like i was nothing and ran over every chance he got. out of jealously? homosexuality? I dont really know.

New Year.

Next guy I meet has to be established. I was considering not telling him what I am doing for a living because it intimidates men. Future Grad student, college grad, intelligent blah blah. I was going to say I work at Jewel grocery store. But fuck that...if you are intimidated, you are not for me. point, blank, period.

To keep me busy, I still have my Nigerian guy. Annoying, sort of established, way older, and completely dumb (another story).
I cant really stand him! But he is REALLY nice. Nice Girls Hate Nice Guys.

Where for art thou Romeo, Its a New YEAR DAMN IT !?!!

Car or Debt?

2009-01-07T13:19:00.009-06:00

i had the car for exactly 2 days. the only reason why i had it was because my mother wanted me to reopen a $3000 credit card to pay her property tax. HELL NO
every fucking month, my hard headed mother is in the same predicament and since i avoided her, she calls her self taking her car key back. take the shit back.

I am buying my own damn car, i dont have time for that shit. I am leaving next week and i dont give a fuck. she thinks im stupid, that she can easily fool me and put me in debt for her to be in the same predicament she is in every single month. i dont have time for that shit.
take it! hurry up and take it!
she has got to be full of the most shit, and all that talking to me was her trying to plan her attack and put me in debt. and the housing market is in the pitts! HELL NO

I would be car less with no debt than maybe a car with incredible debt. I remember she claimed to be paying my credit card and didnt pay for 4 months! and didnt care to tell me. so fuck her bull shit and her fucking apartments. Just because she is my mother does not mean i have to bow down to her by any means. Mothers could be wrong too.

by the way, I got my money back. and I still have the wig. Cheaters never prosper.