Curbs and Belts

Another notch under my belt.  I guess thats the way to put it.


I've been seeing this guy who happens to be white.  At this point, I am now placing him in the category of "just dating to say I did it..."

There really isn't much to say about him.  He is not hard on the eyes, bald, a staunch Obama fan (I know I know). He can hold a conversation.  He is al...right.

However, he was was in a 4 year relationship (with an older black woman) who wanted to get married and have children, but he wasn't ready. So he broke up with her.  In the fall of last year.  Yea. I know. I know.

That turned me off.  Even though I tell myself I am not looking to get married or looking to having children based on the numerous excuses outlined for me: I am young. I have to settle on a career. I have to know myself. I have to love myself first.

The list motherfucking goes on.

I still cant help but date someone and possibly analyze and determine if I can see myself in the future with him.

Is it because I am a fucking woman and I have been influenced by society and family etc? OR is it in my nature to look for such?

I don't know. All I know is I am disappointed in his answers regarding commitment.  There is also nothing I hate more than a guy who stays with a woman even though he knows what she is looking for in the relationship.

He is 34 by the way.  He will be 35 in March.

As usual, all the guys in my blog receive a "heartfelt" name.  He will now be referred to as IronMan.  He reminds me of Jeff Bridges role of Obadiah in the movie Iron Man.

not as old though.

Ironman states he knew he didn't want to be married from 25-35.  mmhmm
Ironman states he wants to have kids eventually. mmhmm

Ironman makes me want to DROP him ON the curb because I am not comfortable with being a notch under someone else's belt.
Although, there was this one guy who told me he wanted to fuck an African because he heard itll be good. Damn, that sexy ignorant asshole.  Anyway, I digress.
We are going out again on Saturday to a comedy club.  How long should I let this go on before I decide to dismiss?  Ill see in a few weeks...I guess.  Currently, I am dating around 3.5 guys so I can get my mind off any of these guys easily.  I have a blog post about the .5 at a later date.  I am on this "self improvement kick. Eating healthy. Working out heavily. Its been a little over 2 weeks. I think its frigging working because I can sleep through the night and I feel energized. Relaxed, even.
I was sad about the ending of GreenCard and I but now I have no thoughts on it. It was bound to happen.  Anyway, I have to give the background to that at a later date as well.

And once again, I digress.

I kissed Ironman at the end of the night and everyone who is anyone KNOWS I hate kissing.  But I did it. 2 small pecks.  No fireworks. No wet panties.

...well inner thighs, because I don't do the panty thing.


By the way, I haven't had sex in 7months.

Is this real life?

Admitting Guilt

I love Dorothy.
My new dog.
She is a chihuahua. And she is my companion

Im sad. Its weird, I am sitting here watching Waiting to Exhale. Embarassing.

He never cared. I waste too much time with guys who dont care, get on my nerves, or I dont even like.  When I saw the signs, why didnt I leave...indefinitely.
Man, it feels weird. Like he is just as heartless as ever. Didnt see him on Thanksgiving. Didnt see him on my birthday. Nothing.
Its weird.

Granted I wasnt the best. It was like I was missing something, so I went out there looking. And got caught. Or shall I say admitted guilt.

I spent the night with another man. I was caught up and off guard. Did that play a role in the break up. No. It was already over. Over because I didnt marry him for his green card. Maybe I dodged a bullet. Maybe this relationship only met as much as the green card.

I dont know if I should say his cold behavior is because the recent death of his father or the actions of myself. I think the death gave him reason to not hold back on how he really felt about me.

I know he never really cared. We were not meant to be.

What you Drinking?

"Ill Never Forget You"--Noisettes

This is the song I listened to all today.

I am juggling around 3 guys. One that I shouldnt have, but I did anyway.

Actually I take that back. I shouldnt be with anyone. Its not working out.

After going to a Nigerian meeting with one guy and meeting another. I feel I shouldve got to know people and keep the guys at bay. Case in point, the guy I met is studying for his GMAT and wants to meet at Borders. We do the Borders thing and go get drinks later.

Then I realize he is trying to kiss me. Ask me my favorite spot to be kissed. Rubs my shoulders, arms and hair. Kinda fast for a first date.

Our next meet up is at the library and the after date was at his house for food he cooked. It is 11:30p so I opt to go home. He does not like that. He whines and say I always cancel on him. And some more bullshit I dont give a fuck about.

Today's meet up was at Borders. I was supposed to come up with the after date plan. I didnt. I said hey we can go to the Grill place across the street. It should be open.

Stutter: Um. Uh. I-I-I am not not hungry.
Me: oh. ok (what the fuck does that have to do with me?...)
Stutter: I-I-I kinda dont want to do anything. I would have you come o-o-over but my brother is studying at the house.
Me: I dont want to come over anyway. Its late.(you trifling horny dog)
Stutter: I-I did didnt know know we had a curfew...


He rushes over that last phrase so fast. All I did was look at him like: Mother-fucker. You Stuttering Stanley bastard! You want me to come over your house when just yesterday I said it was too late! I dont know why you think Im easy, but you are mistaken.
He has some fucking nerve.
So. Once the bitch said he wasnt hungry. I wasnt gonna talk to his ass anymore.

You havent taken me on a formal date but you want the panties. Hell motherfucking NO.

This man clearly thinks I drink alot and I am promiscuous. Dont let the fucking beer and spontaneity fool you. I am not easy. Kiss my ass.

We sat in my car for an 1hour and 30minutes listening to music. I wasted a long time.

When he finally left my car I was just about done with life. I cant take these fucking losers anymore. I know what I want and I have yet to find him. One thing I need to do is be alone for a bit. I need to learn to be alone...and stay that way. No dates. No Late Night Conversations. No Hugs. No Nothing.

Its all a test. And I keep failing.

I'm not failing anymore.

I'm All Out of Love...

I dont even know where to begin.

I virtually abandoned my blog.

So, I have to start somewhere.

Yesterday. I left GreenCard. He said he would do the real marriage, he said he really loves me.

However.

His parents have been in America for 4weeks and I was not even invited to meet them. Im sorry. Everyone knows that introducing your girlfriend of 1 year and 6months to your mother (and father) is a BIG DEAL. Yet. I was not even invited to church for goodness sakes.

It was a messy break up. Over the phone, I couldnt even get a word in once I said I wanted to start dating other people and I realize that I wasnt the one. I would NOT tell him why I was breaking up with him. I didnt want to hear any excuse why he didnt introduce me to his parents. Or have him string another girl along and play the role better. One thing that stood out the most was the fact he said I "waited until the year he would be deported" to break up with him.

First of all, I am not gaining a damn thing to marry him for 2 years for him to become legal. Nothing. So, why would I care enough to wait this long to leave. He wasted his own time. Once he realized I was ambivalent to marrying him, he shouldve moved on instead of stringing me along. In my honest opinion.

OF COURSE, this is all just speculation.

But the fact that it seemed no one knew we were in a relationship and he didnt introduce me to his family. And said "same here" (rather than I love you too) when he was around his sister when I said I loved him were MORE than enough signs for me to leave.

He was stringing me along. To get what he wanted.

OF COURSE, this is all still just speculation.

Ill never know if he really loved me. If he did, he had a terrible way of expressing it. To be over 30 years old, Im sure he knows how to treat a woman by now. So I would think, that is.



Con-currently, Im talking to another "need to have a green card" man. Is this like a never-ending cycle? My sister says keep him as a rebound to get over GreenCard. My friend says dont bother. I think I will go with the latter, based on the fact his voice annoys me, he talks too slow, he is too religious, and he is showing signs of obsession and control. I cant even stay on the phone with him long enough. Thats not good. I think he is trying to rush a relationship with me so he can get married and of course, become legal. It is not going to work. I dont even like him as a friend.

If I look on the bright side. Being alone will help me get back on track. I think.


Just like that. Im out of love. Again.

Dizzy

Greencard is the only one left.

I have been seriously faithful for the past...hmm...month and a half. Or 2 and half.

When Binaca abandoned me on May 5th, I was sooo drunk, I let him go and continued with Greencard.

However, Greencard is simply that. He needs a Greencard to stay. and I am not willing to give.

I dont know what to do.

I may start cheating again.

Multiple Partners.

So. Im fucking 2 guys and Im trying not to.

Green Card is still in my life. Benaka is in my life too.

Im sleeping with both guys.

Benaka is bigger and better.

Green Card is...well I dont know. He has a lot of baggage but for some reason I cannot leave him. I have stopped talking to him for 2 days and he came back today basically begging. I was even considering taking him back. We broke up for some dumb shit and I dont know if it is wise for me to be with him. He has baggage. Green Card baggage. He wants to get married in order for him to stay in America. Unless he is gonna pay off my $100,000 college loans...Im not marrying him.

Benaka. Hmm? What to say about Benaka. He is interesting to say the least. He keeps me entertained. He is much more insightful. Taller. Leaner. Did I mention "bigger and better?" However, I dont trust him. I believe he had a thing for this chicken I call my friend here in Atlanta. She is fake as hell. He is fake as hell because he entertained her acts of flirting with him. BUT Benaka doesnt come with the green card baggage.

Im thinking I should just be single. I should start over and meet new men. These 2 guys are...too much. Im literally torn in between the 2. I didnt think it would lead to this. The problem is they are both nice and shit...but I cant have my cake.

Green Card states that he loves me. I claim that I love him too...I think I do. Actually, I probably just care about him alot.

I know I dont love Green Card because I am cheating on Green Card.

and I doubt I will stop.

Green Card

I decided to change the name of Smooth Talker to Green Card.

We have been talking since the end of October. No relationship. However, he wants to marry me. In fact, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Or he does? I have no idea. He is playing mind games that should only work for teenage girls. Not an experienced relationship whore as myself.

All I know is that he wants to marry me and I am not having it.

My mother put into my head that Green Card. Who is 30 years old. Could possibly be married or engaged in Nigeria. AND could be using me for a green card since I happen to be a citizen. Get his green card and bring over his lovely wife or fiance.
WHile Im left in the dust...looking stupid. twiddling my thumbs.

Hell NO!

I refuse to be an idiot. 1st of all, I do not want to get married anyway. I can tell he is trying to wear me down. Trying to make me fall for him so I can foolishly marry his ass. Little does he know, I DONT trust anyone. Ill just dangle this "marriage carrot" over his head until its time for him to go back to wear he came from...Ill email or something.
+++++++++++++++
Benaka is such a nice guy unfortunately he is showing me how much he likes me. WHICH is not a good thing. I just want to take advantage of people who are falling for me. All he does is eat me out and I dont even touch his dick. WHich is WAYYY bigger than Green Card's by the way....
He is also not a citizen BUT since he will be a doctor, he can be sponsored once he receives his M.D. so he doesn't need a green card spouse.

I also dont feel he is hiding shit from me...like I feel about Green Card. I feel I can trust him. And I know he will spoil me...But Im gonna take this thing very slow with Benaka.

This might work out.